Quick Blurb Review: Sucker Punch

I was willing to give this movie the benefit of the doubt. Despite the mostly negative press on it, maybe Sucker Punch had some sort of redeeming factor in it that would make the movie mostly tolerable, but no! I HATED this movie! I REALLY. FUCKING. HATED. THIS. MOVIE. So much in fact that if there is anyone, anyone reading this that has yet to see Sucker Punch, I will gladly spill out the shit and spoilers of this film to save you from the torture of sitting through these unwelcome 110 minutes on disc! Read on at your own risk, folks! You thought I got a little nasty with my last blog? You ain't seen SHIT. Here we go!

I know it was a bad sign when I thought the beginning of the film was a trailer. The disc jumps straight into the film without malice or forethought or even a glimpse of the DVD menu. The film starts with Baby Doll (I won't even bother listing the actress' name. The sooner I finish ripping this movie a new asshole, the better. No, I'm not being cute or trying to overreact. This movie genuinely made me that angry) crying on her bed because her mom dies. Her stepdad looks at her mom's will and finds that she left everything to Baby Doll and her sister. Enraged, her stepdad tries to kill her but she escapes and he goes after her sister. Baby Doll tries to pull a gun on her stepdad but when she shoots she misses and accidentally kills her sister. Her stepdad then puts her in a mental asylum for girls (those exist now?) that all look like Zombie Children Of The Corn and it turns out that the place is secretly a burlesque house. During a dance lesson, Baby Doll's mind wanders into fucking lala land and some old guy tells her to gather five items so that she can escape. Convinced this is a fucking brilliant idea, she and four fellow "inmates" (one played by Vanessa Hudgens, I didn't give a damn about the rest of them) decide to pursue this goal in order for freedom. A bunch of really stupid trying-to-be-metaphorical-and-subtle-but-we-beat-it-over-your-heads-like-the-wet-end-of-a-severed-limb shit happens for the next hour and fifty minutes, resulting in massive headaches, high blood pressure & hot tempers.

First off, I want to talk about the overall look of this movie. I know that this has the same director as 300 (an infinitely better film), but at five minutes in, the cinematography reminds me far too much of 300, or even The Spirit, although I'm not sure if Sucker Punch is more or less retarded than The Spirit. This movie made me much angrier, but as for overall stupidity...you know what? Sucker Punch is FAR more retarded. I'm going to shit on it in every other cock-sucking department, so why not this one?

GIVE THE GREEN SCREEN A REST, DAMN YOU!

The next thing that I want to rip into is the soundtrack. Oh. My. God. If you are a nostalgic music fan, stay the fuck away from this movie. You will be subject to audio anal-rapings of such songs including but not limited to "Sweet Dreams," "Army Of Me," "(We Will) Rock You," "I Want It All" and "Search & Destroy." No, not Metallica's "Seek & Destroy" but Iggy Pop's "Search & Destroy." If they did as awful of a cover of "Seek" as they did "Search," I'd probably be getting angry drunk right now. Actually, hold on. *Grabs Keystone Beer from fridge* Okay, let's keep going. The soundtrack completely kills the mood of the film and grates on your ears about as badly as an orgy of Kesha, Katy Perry, The Black Eyed Peas, Rebecca Black, Cradle Of Filth, Mayhem, Death & Johnny Reid, if not worse.

Any copy of this album should be shot, stabbed, stretched, hung, disembowled & quartered...as a start.

The settings of the film go from distracting to absurd. It starts off in an asylum for mental ill girls that's actually a burlesque house. Okay, that's a little twisted, even for me. Who's this movie trying to fool?! This isn't a setting for an action film! Hell, the "action" isn't even real! It's just in this Baby Dingbat's head! None of the hugely over-the-top action scenes actually happen! Which is another thing that pissed me off about this movie! These scenes only happen when she dances, right? If her dancing is so goddamned enchanting, why in the hell can't we see that instead of these ridiculous action scenes that are home of some of the worst fucking CGI in a big budget movie that I've seen in a long time? Anytime we went back to the asylum, it just made me think of the Disturbed album by the same name, which was immediately followed by the thought of, "WHY IN THE FUCK AREN'T I LISTENING TO THAT INSTEAD?!"

"I feel you DIE! In Asylum, I live a lie! Don't know this movie's crap and isn't even ready! To be Released, worldwide!"

I need to touch base on the action scenes some more. The worlds that these scenes take place in are beyond unforgivably stupid. Giant samurais with miniguns? Planes, machine guns & comm units in medieval times? A dragon with a head that looks like a cross of a Ceratosaurus, Spinosaurus & the Cloverfield monster? I, Robot ripoffs? Steam powered zombie Nazis? The only good thing to come out of a couple of these scenes (seeing as how she was only in a couple of them) was Vanessa Hudgens carrying around a big fucking machine gun, which even then was a tad underwhelming. She's not nearly as arousing in this situation as Scarlett Johansson was in Iron Man 2, where when she was beating up all the Hammer Tech goons I thought I was gonna shoot my brains out the end of my dick. Not only do these scenes (and this film in general) fall flat on its face in the mud in the "sexy" department, these scenes are crammed with so much fucking slow motion shots that I swear they're just there to drag out the film. Slow motion looks cool when used in small doses, NOT EVERY MOTHERFUCKING THIRTY SECONDS. KEEP IT MOVING, ZACK SNYDER! WE DON'T HAVE ALL NIGHT, YOU BRAT!!! This movie is like a guy in Burger King wearing a chef's hat: it's trying so hard to stand out and it ends up bathing in a festering cesspool of FAIL.

Get used to dragging action scenes like this one, folks. There's a lot of them. How do you deal with the mass quantity and poor quality? Lots of alcohol.

The fact that this movie is only PG-13 certainly doesn't help it. Not that I was craving naked crazy lady burlesque dancers in this film (if I wanted cast nudity, I'd just Google "Vanessa Hudgens Nude Scandal"), but something this out there and over the top could've used some gore splattering the scenery and a few "fucks" in there. The closest we get is Hudgens (seriously, due to her beauty, she's the only one worth paying attention to in this movie. Too bad she gets killed) aiming at the dragon saying, "I got you in sight you mother" BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM! Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think a PG-13 movie can get away with saying "fuck" no more than five times before it becomes restricted. Why censor it?

Carla Gugino's accent is pretty hot in this movie too, in all fairness.

The notes I scrawled down while watching this film are three pages of chicken scratch and rage, so I'll wrap this up. On top of all of the awful things in this movie, this film also teases us with an event close to the ending hinting that none of the shit we spent the last hour and a fucking half didn't actually happen when Baby Doll gets a lobotomy, but then it spins us back in the whole burlesque house angle. On top of that, there are animated shorts included on the DVD that are narrated by Kieth David (Goliath, bitches!) and how he decided to get associated with this awful film, I'll never know. Then again, he did star in Delta Farce, so who knows? Maybe Goliath was getting towards the red in his check book. The final salt on the fucking wound with this movie was after the credits roll, the DVD runs through, I'm not kidding, 3 minutes of multi-lingual copyright warnings. What in the hell is the point of that? Then again, when it was made by Cruel & Unusual Films, why should THAT part surprise me? It's not like the rest of the movie didn't give me fair warning.

"Shouldn't we get going?"
"No, we haven't heaved our chests enough yet."

I fucking hate this piece of shit of a movie. While it wasn't as painful as The Love Guru, it was more frustrating to watch than Jurassic Park III. Sucker Punch is nothing more than fapping material to teenage boys as Twilight is to tween girls. Nothing about this movie really jumps out, other than it's gravely low quality of entertainment and its lack of subtlety that bludgeons you at every corner does it no credit, and when I, a guy who describes himself as subtle as a plane crash, says something needs more subtlety, that's saying something. The worst part about this is that Zack Snyder dedicated Sucker Punch to a deceased relative. Ordinarily, I'd feel bad about hating and ripping into something dedicated to someone's memory, but this movie did itself no favors. Sucker Punch is less of a film than it is what Zack Snyder had to show for oogling the cast members during production. Perhaps the guy should just stick to copying and pasting comic books to film, because at least 300 and The Watchmen were incredibly entertaining and the changes he made to those movies helped in the end, whereas his original work here is an attempt to make eye porn for stupid young males, and I think even the stupid young males have higher standards than this shithole of a film set for itself. Avoid this movie as if it were the plague or a bloodthirsty rabid Sasquatch coming to tear down your house and eat everything and everyone you hold dear after it violates them in every orifice the human body houses.

TL;DR (Too Long, Didn't Read): GO FUCK YOURSELF, SUCKER PUNCH! GO! FUCK! YOURSELF!

-The Cynic