CWTC's Top 10 Worst Movies Of 2017

     Doing the best of the year lists are fun and all but c'mon.  I know why you're here.  My channel and blog are called Coffee With The Cynic so let's get really cynical.
     Just in case you didn't read my Top 10 Best Of 2017 list, a couple of quick reminders:
     1 - I didn't get a chance to see every movie that was on my radar this year and that includes the bad ones.  If you're looking for movies like King Arthur: The Legend Of The Sword, Baywatch or Valerian & The City Of A Thousand Planets, they're not here.
     2 - If the movie had a limited release last year but a wide release this year, be it theatrically or through home media, I'm counting it as a 2017 release.  Again, where I live seems to be "Go Wide or Go Home."
     3 - These picks are based on how I perceived them and how they made me feel.  You're probably going to disagree with some or a lot of these picks and if any of these movies jerked your gherkin, I'm happy for you.  Didn't do it for me.
     Here we go, Coffee With The Cynic's Top 10 Worst Movies Of 2017!

     Honorable Mentions (#14-11): Surprisingly enough, I actually didn't see too many bad movies this year.  I only saw 14 that I didn't like and even then, these runner ups were just on the lesser side of "okay."  Despicable Me 3, Beauty & The Beast, Rock Dog and Rough Night.

     10 - Shin Godzilla: It hurts how disappointing this movie was.  I love Godzilla but I did not like this movie.  At least with the other Godzilla movies, I had an idea of who the characters were supposed to be or at least got some sort of growth from them.  Here, the movie decides it'd be best to rush through the first hour and not spend enough time establishing the humans we're supposed to cheer for and then drag through the second half with that same group of people that we just don't give two shits about.  This movie also sports the worst design I've seen for Godzilla and above all else was just boring.  The idea to make this Godzilla larger than Legendary's also felt like a really petty decision (which has since been dwarfed by Godzilla: Monster Planet's 1000ft tall version of the kaiju, which is kind of ridiculous) and gave me the impression that the creative team was trying too hard with something that didn't need so many alterations.  A sequel was recently announced to this one and I'm honestly up in the air as to whether or not I'll see it.

     09 - Smurfs: The Lost Village: I never did get around to doing a review for this one (aside from a quick blurb on the Facebook page) but that's because like 2016's Ratchet & Clank, I didn't really have anything to say about it.  It occurs to me that I'm probably not in the right demographic for this movie but if the Smurfs are supposed to be a tightly-knit group, why did I not feel any sort of kinship between our four very annoying leads?  Some of the animation looks really nice but visuals only carry a movie so far without enjoyable stories or characters to go with them.  I'm not even really sure why I watched this one, to be honest.  Probably just to pad out this list.

     08 - The Bye Bye Man: A low budget horror film released in January?  Yeah, I'm not surprised to see it on this list and you shouldn't be either.  In all honesty, the premise for this movie isn't bad but the laughable name kind of takes the piss out of any potential scares.  The three bland leads sure as Hell didn't help, throwing in cameos from Faye Dunaway and Carrie Anne Moss did not do this movie any favors and what the Hell was up with that CG dog?  Seriously.  This parody poster I found on Google was better than the movie.

     07 - Resident Evil: The Final Chapter: You'd think that a movie carrying the tagline of "The Journey Ends" would bring a feeling of closure to a long running series, right?  Welp, apparently the makers of Resident Evil: The Final Chapter didn't get that memo because after dragging the Resident Evil name through the mud for 15 years, this movie has the audacity, the gull, to have an open-door ending that says it could be possible to make more films in this timeline.  Not cool, movie.  Not cool.  The editing and special effects were absolutely nauseating to look at as well so if this is the final movie in this timeline, thank any God that'll listen because while this wasn't necessarily the worst of the series, it's still really damn bad all the same.  A part of me wants to see a Resident Evil reboot film following the story of the first game but the rest of me knows that the studio behind it will probably find some way to screw that up, too.  FFS, they couldn't even get the story of Rampage right.

     06 - The Emoji Movie: I told myself I wouldn't throw money at this bottle of suck but I cracked to fill out this list.  The Emoji Movie isn't the cinematic apocalypse that others made it out to be but it was very uninspired and lazy, ripping off infinitely better movies (the immediate three I can think of were all from Disney, oddly enough) in what amounts to a feature length advertisement for phone apps.  I know that basically sounds like what literally everyone else on the internet has said about this movie but a) that doesn't make it any less true and b) five minutes after the credits rolled, I forgot literally anything else about this film.

     05 - CHiPS: Alright, let's make this quick because reflecting on CHiPS makes me want to shove an ice pick up my urethra.  Yeah, the licensed song catalogue was alright and the "Officer Pantera" line gave me a mental image of a much better movie based on principle but CHiPS fails on just about everything else.  The leads don't click as characters or actors, it's another one of those movies that thinks gross and loud equals funny, it can't be over fast enough and for a movie with a plot about trying to figure out who the crooked cops are, it can't even do that right.  Wait, you mean we're not supposed to show the face of the villain before we show him as a member of the force?  Well, who cares about that?  We've got jokes about bumping dick tips and eating ass to get onscreen, we can't be bothered with proper plot structure!  Ugh.  Fuck this movie.

     04 - The Belko Experiment: What was this movie?  It seems like it was trying to be social commentary but it's just a soulless gore-fest filled out with a really good supporting cast that are above this movie.  If you look this one up, you'd see the 90 minute runtime and go, "At least it's short, right?"  NOPE!  Considering how this movie moves at a snail's pace, it felt more like watching the 1998 Godzilla film.  I also hated how this one thinks that it's so clever and so edgy that the ending just automatically assumes it is going to get a sequel and if that comes to pass, I'm definitely skipping it because The Belko Experiment has run its course for me.

     03 - Monster Trucks: Did I think this was going to be a good film?  Hell no, but much like when I watched Nine Lives, this had such a fuss kicked up around it that I thought, "Okay, let's see if it is really that bad."  It's almost like when I revisited Metallica's St. Anger album: it's not that bad, it's fucking worse.  Lucas Till is a complete numbskull in this, Jane Levy's character is a borderline stalker, Rob Lowe and Danny Glover are...there, for some reason, the hired muscle is hellbent for leather on killing this high school senior (no, seriously), the not-so-happy happy ending when you stop and think about it and other things piled up that lead me to begin laughing uncontrollably and maniacally over the overwhelming level of stupid that Monster Trucks houses.  This movie, even just for a few minutes, broke me.

     02 - The Mummy: I drank almost an entire Mickey of Crown Royal while watching this movie and that couldn't make it better.  The Mummy still leaves me with questions: why should we be rooting for Tom Cruise's asshole character?  Is Annabelle Willis' character the worst damsel in distress ever?  Why did we need a framed ass-shot of a reanimated corpse?  As stupid as Monster Trucks was, at least that was a stand-alone film and I didn't need alcohol to finish it (I think?).  The Mummy is especially a train wreck because it spends so much time with a unlikable lead and planting seeds for this cinematic universe that it barely gives any focus on the titular monster and just demands people be on board for future installments when it wasn't even trying to make this a good movie.  I swear, at a party, Warner Brothers said, "Man, we're really not doing so hot with the world building in our DCEU, are we," and then Universal came charging through and shouted, "Hold my beer!"

     01 - A Cure For Wellness: Jesus Christ, this movie infuriated me.  Nice cinematography shots and a very pretty Mia Goth do not a good movie make.  One common issue I've had with most of, if not all the movies on this list is slow pacing that drags the movie out to feel longer than it actually is.  A Cure For Wellness takes the cake with this one as sometimes I feel like I'm still stuck on the couch watching this thing.  The movie tries to play up this mystery thriller kind of feeling but nothing ties together naturally, it isn't scary or at least tense, it actually comes off as being rather condescending if we're being completely up front and slowly crawls along to the big plot twist of some glorified zombie wants to bang his own daughter.  No, fucking really, that's the big twist.  If the movie had actually been interesting or had charismatic performances or just something to latch on to, it wouldn't be at the top of this list but here we are.  Just thinking about this movie's title puts a bad taste in my mouth and I wash my hands of the worst movie of 2017.

     Let me know what you're worst movies of the year are in the comments below.  Thank you so much for reading and if you like what you see on this blog, you be sure to nudge that "Follow" button and stay cynical!

     -The Cynic

CWTC's Top 10 Best Movies Of 2017

     It was high time I did something with this thing again.  It is the end of the year so you know what that means: it’s that time when people who love watching movies let their lists of their picks for the greatest and shittiest films of the year fly.  Last year I did these lists on my YouTube channel but the last two months both physically and mentally have just really kicked my ass and…and I just can’t.  Not when I have the option to just write out the script that I would’ve read off of anyway and leave it here for you all to enjoy.

     A couple of quick disclaimers before I begin, though:

     1 – I did not get a chance to see all of the movies that I wanted to this year (probably the most bummed about not seeing Thor: Ragnarok).  Of the eventual 63 movies that I had on my radar for this year, I only saw 49 of them.  Sometimes shit happens, things don’t work out and then you don’t get to see the movie.  That sucks but that’s life.

     2 – If the movie had a limited release last year but a wide release this year, I’m counting it as a 2017 release since I do not live in an area where limited release movies play.  It seems to be “Go Wide or Go Home” where I live.  This is not exclusive to this year's list either as the same scenario happened with High Rise on my Top 10 Worst Of 2016 list.

     3 – These may not be technically the best made films of the year as far as things like cinematography, acting, scripts, whatever goes.  I rank these movies based on how I perceive them and how they make me feel.  You may agree with some of these but more likely you will not.  There’s 7 fucking billion of us on this planet, we’re not going to all like the same thing for the same reasons or amount.  Case in point, if social/political films that are about or delivery commentary on world events are your bag, that’s awesome but they don’t really do the same for me, so movies like Wind River, Dunkirk and Get Out won’t rank as high on my list as they do on your list and there’s nothing wrong with that.  Although those three aforementioned movies are worth seeing, just saying.

     Now that we’ve gotten the fine print out of the way, let’s start with my Top 10 Best Movies Of 2017:

     Honorable Mentions (#15-11): Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Spider-Man: Homecoming, The Wall, Get Out, The Lego Batman Movie

     10 – Kong: Skull Island: Okay, I know a lot of people are going to disagree on this one.  The cast may not be used to their full potential but I felt incredibly satisfied coming out of Skull Island.  The humans moved things along without feeling useless, Kong has never looked better special effects-wise, they don’t shoehorn in or beat you over the head with references to 2014’s Godzilla which lets Skull Island stand as its own movie and when the creature action goes down, it is absolutely incredible to watch.  If Kong’s rematch with Godzilla is handled as well as this movie was, I think we’re in good hands.  I mean, it can’t be any worse than the original, right?  Right?

     09 – Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2: This one kind of surprised me in the sense that it broke the MCU sequel mold where they either outdo the original (the Captain America sequels) or are received mixed at best (everyone else).  Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2 felt just as good as the first Guardians film but not for the exact same reasons.  Guardians was one of my favorite movies of 2014 and it just so happens that Guardians 2 is one of my favorite movies of 2017.  A surprising amount of heart, a visual treat, another hit for Marvel, what’s not to like?

     08 – Life: I never did get around to seeing Alien: Covenant but oddly enough, Life scratched that Alien—esque itch for me.  A crew in a space station ducking through corridors checking over their shoulders as a growing life form picks them off one by one?  Sounds like a good time, even if it doesn’t carry quite the horror tone that Alien did.  I felt invested in these characters and I could just feel my hopefulness drain away as the movie went on and I remember the movie got to a certain point where I cupped my hands over my mouth in dread and muttered, “Oh, they are so fucked.”  Just writing this out, I really want to go watch this one again, Twilight Zone-style ending and all.

     07 – Resident Evil: Vendetta: Y’know, if someone came up to me in early 2017 and said, “Guess what, Kevin?  You’re going to have a Resident Evil movie on both your Best and Worst of 2017 lists (spoiler, I guess),” I probably would’ve said, “Wait, there’s two Resident Evil movies coming out this year?”  Yet, here we are.  I didn’t expect much from this one going in but I came away with the best Resident Evil movie I’ve ever seen.  It takes place in the same universe as the games, the overall tone strikes a great balance between action and horror, the combat scenes are coherent and thrilling, it was never gory for the sake of being gory, I loved Resident Evil: Vendetta and it certainly made up for the simply okay predecessor that was Damnation.

     06 – Baby Driver: I actually watched this movie while I was in the middle of writing this list and had to bump off The Lego Batman Movie to make room for Baby Driver.  This may be only the fourth Edgar Wright movie I’ve seen but it just might be my favorite.  Failing that, it’d be tied with Shaun Of The Dead.  You have a great cast playing really interesting and fun characters, yes, but I have never seen a movie incorporate music into the story (making the soundtrack a character in and of itself) so well outside of maybe a musical.  I had a huge smile on my face for most of the movie and it is incredibly satisfying to watch some of these characters get what’s coming to them.   I’ll definitely be picking this one up on Blu-Ray and Lily James just might be my new celebrity crush.

     05 – Wonder Woman: Are you happy to see a DCEU movie on here?  Because I am.  I said that if this movie had sucked then I’d be done with the DCEU but fortunately for them, Wonder Woman rocked.  A well-structured plot, there’s actually some color in this movie, really likeable characters, great chemistry between the actors, any visual styles borrowed from previous DCEU movies rarely felt overwhelming or gratuitous and it was nice to sit down, watch one of these movies and feel like I’m getting the entire movie for a change.  Still haven’t seen Justice League yet but if, IF that one isn’t any good, I’ll still be checking out the Wonder Woman sequel.

     04 – Logan: All good things must come to an end and that includes Hugh Jackman’s run as the character Logan aka Wolverine.  I said that it was going to be interesting to see how close to the top Logan stayed at the end of the year and it stayed fairly close.  To me, Logan felt like the superhero movie for people who don’t like superhero movies as it felt more like an r-rated western.  The three leads are great, especially Dafne Keen who is able to hold her own against veterans like Jackman and Sir Patrick Stewart.  People may be begging Jackman to come back to the role now that Disney has bought Fox but this movie was a great end to his character and to be honest, we don’t need Jackman back.  We need more Dafne Keen as X23, whether that’d be in the MCU, in a Deadpool sequel or better yet, her own movie.  An amazing end to an incredible 17 year journey for Jackman’s Wolverine and easily the best comic book film of 2017.

     03 – War For The Planet Of The Apes: Hey, look!  Another film that was an immensely satisfying conclusion to a well-loved character's arc.  The best film of the summer, War For The Planet Of The Apes nicely wrapped up the story that was started back in 2011 with Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes and also just so happens to be one of the best trilogies ever, even though it really had no right to be.  This movie has some real high points: one of Andy Serkis’ best performances (seriously, give that man an award for this), Steve Zahn’s greatest performance, amazing set designs, Michael Giachino’s best score and an ending that leads right into the original classic film.

     02 – A Monster Calls: A Monster Calls is why I clarified that whole “limited vs. wide release” thing.  This is a gorgeous looking movie with a truly heartbreaking story about having to come to terms with events beyond your control.  As The Monster tells his stories and Connor applies them to his real life, you can feel the emotional weight and the dread of his mother’s condition bearing down on both him and you and it all culminates with a heartbreaking but sweet finale.  If I can feel that much emotion watching a movie, I know that it’s doing something right.

      01 – John Wick: Chapter 2: This one really surprised me, considering that I didn’t love the first John Wick movie.  However, Chapter 2 gave me what I felt was a better story as well as a more in-depth look at the killer culture that was hinted at in the first movie and it was really fascinating to see, drawing me deeper and deeper into the story with every frame.  This movie also upped the action sequences without overdoing them (that battle in the mirror-laden nightclub) and made me super excited for John Wick: Chapter 3.  To me, this movie built upon what was established in the first movie and did it in such a way that it, in my eyes, eclipsed the first movie and is building up to what I imagine will be one helluva finish to the series and that is why John Wick: Chapter 2 is my favorite movie of 2017.

      Well, that was certainly an interesting list.  Let me know down below what your favorite films of 2017 were and keep an ear to the ground on this blog as I will be putting up my list for Coffee With The Cynic's Top 10 Worst Movies Of 2017 soon.

     Stay cynical!

     -The Cynic