Just in case you didn't read my Top 10 Best Of 2017 list, a couple of quick reminders:
1 - I didn't get a chance to see every movie that was on my radar this year and that includes the bad ones. If you're looking for movies like King Arthur: The Legend Of The Sword, Baywatch or Valerian & The City Of A Thousand Planets, they're not here.
2 - If the movie had a limited release last year but a wide release this year, be it theatrically or through home media, I'm counting it as a 2017 release. Again, where I live seems to be "Go Wide or Go Home."
3 - These picks are based on how I perceived them and how they made me feel. You're probably going to disagree with some or a lot of these picks and if any of these movies jerked your gherkin, I'm happy for you. Didn't do it for me.
Here we go, Coffee With The Cynic's Top 10 Worst Movies Of 2017!
Honorable Mentions (#14-11): Surprisingly enough, I actually didn't see too many bad movies this year. I only saw 14 that I didn't like and even then, these runner ups were just on the lesser side of "okay." Despicable Me 3, Beauty & The Beast, Rock Dog and Rough Night.
10 - Shin Godzilla: It hurts how disappointing this movie was. I love Godzilla but I did not like this movie. At least with the other Godzilla movies, I had an idea of who the characters were supposed to be or at least got some sort of growth from them. Here, the movie decides it'd be best to rush through the first hour and not spend enough time establishing the humans we're supposed to cheer for and then drag through the second half with that same group of people that we just don't give two shits about. This movie also sports the worst design I've seen for Godzilla and above all else was just boring. The idea to make this Godzilla larger than Legendary's also felt like a really petty decision (which has since been dwarfed by Godzilla: Monster Planet's 1000ft tall version of the kaiju, which is kind of ridiculous) and gave me the impression that the creative team was trying too hard with something that didn't need so many alterations. A sequel was recently announced to this one and I'm honestly up in the air as to whether or not I'll see it.
09 - Smurfs: The Lost Village: I never did get around to doing a review for this one (aside from a quick blurb on the Facebook page) but that's because like 2016's Ratchet & Clank, I didn't really have anything to say about it. It occurs to me that I'm probably not in the right demographic for this movie but if the Smurfs are supposed to be a tightly-knit group, why did I not feel any sort of kinship between our four very annoying leads? Some of the animation looks really nice but visuals only carry a movie so far without enjoyable stories or characters to go with them. I'm not even really sure why I watched this one, to be honest. Probably just to pad out this list.
08 - The Bye Bye Man: A low budget horror film released in January? Yeah, I'm not surprised to see it on this list and you shouldn't be either. In all honesty, the premise for this movie isn't bad but the laughable name kind of takes the piss out of any potential scares. The three bland leads sure as Hell didn't help, throwing in cameos from Faye Dunaway and Carrie Anne Moss did not do this movie any favors and what the Hell was up with that CG dog? Seriously. This parody poster I found on Google was better than the movie.
07 - Resident Evil: The Final Chapter: You'd think that a movie carrying the tagline of "The Journey Ends" would bring a feeling of closure to a long running series, right? Welp, apparently the makers of Resident Evil: The Final Chapter didn't get that memo because after dragging the Resident Evil name through the mud for 15 years, this movie has the audacity, the gull, to have an open-door ending that says it could be possible to make more films in this timeline. Not cool, movie. Not cool. The editing and special effects were absolutely nauseating to look at as well so if this is the final movie in this timeline, thank any God that'll listen because while this wasn't necessarily the worst of the series, it's still really damn bad all the same. A part of me wants to see a Resident Evil reboot film following the story of the first game but the rest of me knows that the studio behind it will probably find some way to screw that up, too. FFS, they couldn't even get the story of Rampage right.
06 - The Emoji Movie: I told myself I wouldn't throw money at this bottle of suck but I cracked to fill out this list. The Emoji Movie isn't the cinematic apocalypse that others made it out to be but it was very uninspired and lazy, ripping off infinitely better movies (the immediate three I can think of were all from Disney, oddly enough) in what amounts to a feature length advertisement for phone apps. I know that basically sounds like what literally everyone else on the internet has said about this movie but a) that doesn't make it any less true and b) five minutes after the credits rolled, I forgot literally anything else about this film.
05 - CHiPS: Alright, let's make this quick because reflecting on CHiPS makes me want to shove an ice pick up my urethra. Yeah, the licensed song catalogue was alright and the "Officer Pantera" line gave me a mental image of a much better movie based on principle but CHiPS fails on just about everything else. The leads don't click as characters or actors, it's another one of those movies that thinks gross and loud equals funny, it can't be over fast enough and for a movie with a plot about trying to figure out who the crooked cops are, it can't even do that right. Wait, you mean we're not supposed to show the face of the villain before we show him as a member of the force? Well, who cares about that? We've got jokes about bumping dick tips and eating ass to get onscreen, we can't be bothered with proper plot structure! Ugh. Fuck this movie.
04 - The Belko Experiment: What was this movie? It seems like it was trying to be social commentary but it's just a soulless gore-fest filled out with a really good supporting cast that are above this movie. If you look this one up, you'd see the 90 minute runtime and go, "At least it's short, right?" NOPE! Considering how this movie moves at a snail's pace, it felt more like watching the 1998 Godzilla film. I also hated how this one thinks that it's so clever and so edgy that the ending just automatically assumes it is going to get a sequel and if that comes to pass, I'm definitely skipping it because The Belko Experiment has run its course for me.
03 - Monster Trucks: Did I think this was going to be a good film? Hell no, but much like when I watched Nine Lives, this had such a fuss kicked up around it that I thought, "Okay, let's see if it is really that bad." It's almost like when I revisited Metallica's St. Anger album: it's not that bad, it's fucking worse. Lucas Till is a complete numbskull in this, Jane Levy's character is a borderline stalker, Rob Lowe and Danny Glover are...there, for some reason, the hired muscle is hellbent for leather on killing this high school senior (no, seriously), the not-so-happy happy ending when you stop and think about it and other things piled up that lead me to begin laughing uncontrollably and maniacally over the overwhelming level of stupid that Monster Trucks houses. This movie, even just for a few minutes, broke me.
02 - The Mummy: I drank almost an entire Mickey of Crown Royal while watching this movie and that couldn't make it better. The Mummy still leaves me with questions: why should we be rooting for Tom Cruise's asshole character? Is Annabelle Willis' character the worst damsel in distress ever? Why did we need a framed ass-shot of a reanimated corpse? As stupid as Monster Trucks was, at least that was a stand-alone film and I didn't need alcohol to finish it (I think?). The Mummy is especially a train wreck because it spends so much time with a unlikable lead and planting seeds for this cinematic universe that it barely gives any focus on the titular monster and just demands people be on board for future installments when it wasn't even trying to make this a good movie. I swear, at a party, Warner Brothers said, "Man, we're really not doing so hot with the world building in our DCEU, are we," and then Universal came charging through and shouted, "Hold my beer!"
01 - A Cure For Wellness: Jesus Christ, this movie infuriated me. Nice cinematography shots and a very pretty Mia Goth do not a good movie make. One common issue I've had with most of, if not all the movies on this list is slow pacing that drags the movie out to feel longer than it actually is. A Cure For Wellness takes the cake with this one as sometimes I feel like I'm still stuck on the couch watching this thing. The movie tries to play up this mystery thriller kind of feeling but nothing ties together naturally, it isn't scary or at least tense, it actually comes off as being rather condescending if we're being completely up front and slowly crawls along to the big plot twist of some glorified zombie wants to bang his own daughter. No, fucking really, that's the big twist. If the movie had actually been interesting or had charismatic performances or just something to latch on to, it wouldn't be at the top of this list but here we are. Just thinking about this movie's title puts a bad taste in my mouth and I wash my hands of the worst movie of 2017.
Let me know what you're worst movies of the year are in the comments below. Thank you so much for reading and if you like what you see on this blog, you be sure to nudge that "Follow" button and stay cynical!
-The Cynic
Oh come on the trailer for Rampage wasn't that bad. Besides we have to take creative liberties with the story sometimes.
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