Asylum Mega Marathon Part 3: Mega Python vs Gatoroid

Hello and welcome to the third and final part of Coffee With The Cynic's Asylum "Mega" Marathon, where we look at the final "Mega" film available on Netflix (at least in my region, anyway), Mega Python vs Gatoroid. This review would've been up last night, but I had such a headache once this film was over, I had to go sleep it off. So just as a future reference for readers: two Asylum films back to back does not end well.

So the plot for this film is as followed: Dr. Nikki Riley (Debbie Gibson) has been stealing snakes from nearby labs and releasing them into the Florida Everglades. However, what she doesn't realize is that the snakes have been tampered with and are beginning to mutate, growing into massive sizes. When wildlife ranger Terry O'Hara (Tiffany) sees the snakes firsthand and what they're doing to the local alligator population (and discover they ate her fiance), she and her fellow ranger (Kathryn Joosten) feed the local alligators dead chickens full of steroids, including an experimental steroid that grows indefinitely. Five months later, all seems normal...if having subway-length pythons and alligators running around in the everglades is what you define as "normal."

This was the movie's biggest promotional tool: Debbie Gibson & Tiffany catfight.

Well, did I end the Asylum Mega Marathon on the highest note possible? Not really. Mega Python vs Gatoroid is enjoyably cheesy, but it's no Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus. That's the bad news. The good news is that this gives me more to touch base on while reviewing the film. First off is the acting. It's what you'd expect, but that's what part of the charm in these films are. Tiffany, the reptile expert, Micky Dolenz of The Monkies (playing himself)...they're all terrible, but that's okay. I didn't come in here expecting Rain Man or anything like that. Another thing I just wanna say is you know I mentioned that Debbie Gibson aged well in Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus? Here, she looks like she needs to eat a cheeseburger. As for Tiffany, well...here's what Tiffany looks like in this movie:

Certainly not terrible, right? But when you compare that to her Playboy shoot from 2002...

So the last 9 years haven't been the best for her. Fine, we all age and sometimes its not for the best, but I couldn't help but think, "Damn, Tiffany...what happened?"

Back to the topic at hand. If I keep on this subject, I'll keep posting pics from these pop stars respective Playboy shoots and I'll be banned from Blogspot for life. How about the cheese factor in this movie? Yes, its here. Recycled footage from Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus, the worst police force I've ever laid eyes on, supposedly smart people doing stupid things (Debbie & her associate run from a Gatoroid through the water after seeing her other associate being swallowed whole by one), a Python grabbing The Asylum's blimp out of the air, there's plenty of cheese here to sprinkle onto a pizza. Even a somewhat unexpected outcome as well as a really corny line post catfight referring to Tiffany's big hit "I Think We're Alone Now."

Riveting. Industrial Light & Magic and WETA better stay on their toes...

So in conclusion, Mega Python vs Gatoroid is the second most enjoyable film out this marathon, the first being Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus. Two former 80s pop-stars snapping at each other while two breeds of giant reptiles raise Hell behind them? All in all, it's a cheesy bad/good time and good for a laugh, which is what I think many people look for in a movie like the ones The Asylum churns out.

This concludes Coffee With The Cynic's Asylum "Mega" Marathon. Thanks for checking it out and in the next installment, we're going to do something a little different on the blog. Stay tuned!

Asylum Mega Marathon Part 2: Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

Wow, they aren't even trying with their taglines, are they?

Now this is what I'm talking about! Welcome to Part 2 of Coffee With The Cynic's Asylum Mega Movie Marathon, where we're talking about Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus. A follow-up to Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, the events pick up almost immediately after the first film. A naval officer (Jaleel White aka Urkel) is studying sonar frequencies while aboard a vessel trying to find the Megalodon, seeing as there was no evidence that it was actually killed during its fight with The Kraken. His frequencies accidentally cause the Megalodon to attack the ship, in which Jaleel is the only survivor. Mourning the loss of his fiance aboard, he joins a Secret Service agency to hunt down and kill the shark. Meanwhile, a wild-life tracker con-man from Africa (Gary Stretch) is hired to track and kill a large mysterious beast that turns out to be a 1500 ft. long crocodile. During a series of events, the US Navy finds themselves trying to destroy two large leviathans of the past while trying not to destroy the rest of the world with them.

I think they could've run with their original idea and it would've been equally cheesy/retarded/enjoyable.

Make no mistakes, much like its predecessor, Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus is an absolutely terrible movie. However, unlike its predecessor, it was quite the enjoyable cheese ball. The effects are more phoned in, as is the acting, and the story is so stupid that it makes for quite the ride. In fact, I was having so much fun with the cheesy fun of it that I only took like a page and a half of notes. Pretty much everything needed to make a movie stupid is here. Bad accents, crap CGI (the Crocosaurus stepping on the miner made me howl with laughter), roaring sharks (it's like Jaws 4 again!), ripping off a scene and other elements from another bad but enjoyable movie (Godzilla 1998), stupid character traits, Urkel acting like a cross between Shia LeBeouf & Jeff Goldblum, Megalodon swallowing a nuclear sub! It's all here and it's gleefully enjoyable in its stupidity.

Wow, I just...I don't even know what else to say. If you enjoy hilariously bad movies, check out Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus. It's the movie that Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus should have been. Can't wait to wrap up this marathon!

URKEL ACTION SHOT!

Sorry for such a quick blurb, but this movie really does speak for itself. I cannot do the cheese it possesses true justice. You really just have to see it for yourself. If I didn't have another movie to watch, I'd probably watch it again.

-The Cynic

Asylum Mega Marathon Part 1: Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

I would've just as soon called this one Megalodon vs Kraken.

Yeah, I know I've already churned out one blog entry tonight, but I saw these movies listed on Netflix and decided it was too good to pass up. For the next few entries on Coffee With The Cynic's blog, we're going to be having The Asylum Mega Marathon: a sanity-lacking journey through three films by Asylum studios featuring the word "Mega" in the title. I know there's a fourth Asylum film with this word in the title, but unfortunately, it is not on Netflix, so I'll have to skip Mega Piranha, I'm afraid. So let's get it started with Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus.

Writer/director Ace Hannah (sounds like a porn star name) brings us the story of Dr. Emma MacNeil (80s pop singer Debbie Gibson), as she discovers frozen in the Alaskan sea a monumental find: a Megalodon, the largest shark in the history of the world, and a Giant Octopus frozen in an iceberg in mid-combat. However, the military is testing illegal sonar equipment and this causes a pod of whales to accidentally crash into the ice, breaking the creatures free. When Emma is fired from her work for stealing a mini-sub for this mission, she enlists in the help of her former professor (Sean Lawlor) and a Japanese marine biologist (Vic Chao), who is investigating recent attacks on oil rigs, to bring these two creatures back into the same water so they can finish what they started all those millions of years ago.

Yes, folks. The shark takes out an airplane. All this absurdity and more.

Okay, obviously you can't take a movie called Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus remotely seriously, otherwise you're setting yourself up for a rough night. When I hit "Play movie" on Netflix for this one, I sat down and thought, "Okay, let's just see how cheesy and hilariously bad this movie really is." But even when I didn't take the film seriously, I was still finding myself disappointed. Sure, the Megalodon (what they keep calling the shark, although Megalodon's never got to be this large) getting the plane or taking a bite out of the Golden Gate Bridge was good for a laugh, as was Asylum's attempt to build character development, but this movie didn't reach into that "So bad it's good" territory for me as it did with so many others. This was no Evil Dead II or Street Fighter, that's for sure.


Debbie Gibson doesn't look half bad in this movie. She's aged well.

I haven't watched any of these direct-to-TV/DVD films in a long time, so I'm kind of brushing off the rust with this review. The acting is about as wooden as you'd expect from most of the characters, sounding like they are reading their lines from the offscreen script or that they just don't give a damn. All of these actors are pretty bad, with Sean Lawlor standing out to me the most, making it sound like he got his acting lessons from The Room's Tommy Wiseau. Lorenzo Lamas was another actor that was bad to me, but not in that cheesy bad way. Lamas was just annoying, with no enjoyment from his crap performance to be had (something the rest of the cast possessed) and I just hated having him onscreen.

You know, for every scene we had that douchebag on screen, we could've had more of this: Kraken vs Megalodon...fighting...I think...

The special effects from Tiny Juggernaut are what you'd expect for a movie like this. I'm torn as to whether I should just shrug off the effects for being as cheese-tastic as they were or lace into them for not being poor and laughably bad enough. Sure, you get some really bad effects shots (like the Megalodon's fin going through the water without creating a wake, for instance), but some of the effect shots aren't terrible. They still aren't good, by any means, but for a movie like this, if you're gonna be cheesy about it, then why not go for broke and have really, REALLY phoned in CGI like I saw in Slushy Man's review of 100,000,000 B.C.? That would've been comedic gold and added to the value of this film. There were also a couple of scenes that reused the same footage over and over again and one scene where the post-production team didn't even bother editing out the green screen from one shot, so the cheese is there, at least.

So I guess the final question is this, "Was Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus really as bad as everyone says it is?" Well, yeah, but it's not nearly as humorous as many seem to think it is. I don't know, for an Asylum production, it really seems like a lot of effort went into this one. Let's hope the sequel, Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus has more (un)intentional laughs in it than this one.

-The Cynic