Jurassic Park 25th Anniversary Funko Reviews: Grant, Hammond, Raptor

     Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to another entry of Coffee With The Cynic's blog and yes, I finally got my hands on some of the Jurassic Park 25th Anniversary Funko POPs.  I was able to get these through EB Games.ca, which was surprising since I was not able to pre-order them through their site or store (long story short, it sounds like scalpers were involved).  However, these three appeared in stock online so I grabbed them up as quickly as I could.  I do have a couple of Dilophosaurus coming from a third party retailer on Amazon and I pre-ordered the sexy Malcolm through EB Games and he'll be shipping sometime in May.  Originally I had filmed this bit as an Unboxing video that I was going to put on the YouTube channel but then Scholar noticed things on the figures I didn't after I had filmed so I went to film again but at that point, it was really late and I couldn't stop yawning (long week).  So instead I've decided to do this as a Blog post for you to read at your own leisure and speed.  Let's take a look at these things!

      Let's start with Dr. Alan Grant.  Here's a quick shot of him in the box, pretty standard fare from the Funko Pop packaging, really.  Only this time it's Jurassic Park!  I do like how they have Grant holding the Velociraptor claw for a distinguishing pose.

      I absolutely love the look of the hat, here.  It really does look like it is made of suede and not the hard plastic its actually made out of.

     I also really like the level of detail put into the rest of Grant's attire.  The metallic sheen on the watch, the folds and creases in his shirt where its been tucked in behind his belt.  I keep taking for granted the level of detail that goes into these things for when you see them on the shelf, it may not look like much but holding them in hand is an entirely different story.

     As for any sort of flubs or errors on this figure, the only ones I could really find were the flesh tone of his hand bleeds onto the Raptor claw a bit and some of the blue from his shirt dabbed onto the red bandana around his neck.  There's also a couple of spots where the hair color doesn't come straight down to the scalp but I'm not too upset though because they aren't really noticeable unless you look closely and as someone who has painted small areas like that before, it gets a little tricky.  I totally get it.

     Up next is John Hammond!  Look at how cute he is!

      Again: wow.  Check out that texture in his hat, it looks just like a real straw hat.

     This was one of the things that I didn't notice in my initial unboxing filming and I'm disappointed to see this snarl in the mold of Mr. Hammond.  For the sake of everyone collecting these figures, I hope that this is just an anomaly in the figure I happened to get and not something in every Hammond figure.

     You know how I said there's some parts where Grant's hair color didn't go all the way to the skin?  Well, Mr. Hammond appears to have the opposite problem where his hair color bleeds onto the skin.  Its most noticeable in this profile shot but there's more of the same on his beard.  You probably wouldn't even notice it there unless you really looked.

     Riddle me this: if the bottoms of his shoes are supposed to be black, why do they look like they were painted by a spray can that didn't entirely hit its target?  I mean, its not hard to get solid black on a figure, right?  I'm not trying to sound like I'm demanding to speak to Funko's manager or anything like that, I'm just saying that I'm a little let down at this.  I get that these are made and sold for cheap but this just screams "lazy."

     While upon closer inspection, Hammond doesn't fare as well in quality as Grant did, I want to try and close out our look at InGen's CEO on positives.  The glasses, watch and rings all have a nice metallic sheen to them for extra detail and the amber at the top of the cane does have a bit of a gleam to it as well.  This was the best shot I could get of it but it is there.

     Last but certainly not least, we have the Velociraptor!  I was really excited about opening this one but I ran into some issues upon initially opening it.

     As you can see, they're a little top heavy.  I'm not surprised since the heads are far weightier than the human Funkos.  Scholar said that these stand better on their heads than the Hasbro figures did on their feet.  Fortunately, the Velociraptor (and from what I've heard, the other dinosaurs as well) come with a stand to display them on.

     However, the display base's peg didn't really fit.  I looked at the bottom of the Raptor's foot and found that the peg hole was still mostly filled in with plastic.  I wound up having to take a drill to the hole just to get the peg to fit, so much so that there's a pale spot on top of the foot where the drill almost went through.  And even then...

     ...it's not completely flat.  I found this rather frustrating because the only other Funkos I have are the 2016 Ghostbusters set (I had fun with that movie, don't @ me) came with display bases but they were much smaller and I'm pretty sure the pegs were smaller as well.  Why not just use those for these?  I'm sorry but if I have to take a drill to a $12 figurine just to get it to stand properly, someone in quality control goofed.  I've talked with other people in JP groups on Facebook who have encountered the same problem with their Velociraptor Funkos so I'm hoping that by the time the Blue Funko for Fallen Kingdom hits shelves, this issue has been corrected.

     Aside from the whole issue with the peg, the figure itself is still pretty cool.  There's a surprising amount of detail and texture in the sculpt and the claws and teeth are well painted for the most part.  The coloration is a little pale but I can forgive that.  The only other issues I may have with it are the seam lines on the back of the head and around the limbs and tail.  I wish these had been filled in to look like one solid figure instead of an assembled model kit.  Again, hoping that the Blue Funko (or any future dinosaurs from this line) isn't as problematic.

     So in the end, am I sorry I bought these?  No, I've been saying for years that there needs to be Jurassic Park Funkos and I'm happy that they exist.  That being said, I just wish that there was some better quality control.  Any spots and bleeding with the paint I can forgive but the chip in Hammond's beard and the peg hole issue with the Velociraptor disappointed me.  Again, maybe I just got a couple of duds with those two but I'm hoping that the rest of the figures in this line fare better.  I am aiming to get some doubles of the dinosaurs so I can repaint them for my Etsy shop because it'll be fun to try and replicate the screen colors on figures with such odd proportions and fill in those seam lines.

     So are you planning on picking up the Jurassic Park Funkos or are you skipping these?  Let me know in the comments below.  As always folks, thank you so much for reading and if you like what you see on this blog, you be sure to nudge that "Follow" button and stay cynical!

     -The Cynic

Jurassic World review

     You knew this was coming.  After 14 years since the last Jurassic Park film and 18 years since the last good Jurassic Park film, the franchise finally was able to return to the theatres with original content in the Steven Spielberg produced and Colin Trevorrow directed Jurassic World.  My son and I caught a 3D showing last night, seeing as how we weren't going to be able to make it to the theatre in time for the 2D showing.  I know I said I wanted to watch the movie twice before giving a verdict but outside circumstances have axed those plans so one viewing will have to do.  Now that I've slept on it, let's answer the question: was it worth the wait?

     Taking place 22 years after the original groundbreaking film, Jurassic World sees John Hammond's dream come true.  Tourists from all over the world can come to Isla Nublar and visit Jurassic World, the fully functional theme park where the past comes alive for the wonder and amusement of the people.  Except there's just one little thing: the people aren't in wonder from these animals anymore.  Or at least the park's focus groups say so, despite there's a total of 22,216 people in attendance in the film.  Taking into consideration that less interest equals less profit, the park's team of geneticists take it upon themselves to create a new badass dinosaur from scratch.  Naturally, since this is a Jurassic Park film, it doesn't quite pan out the way they want it to.

"'Create a new dinosaur,' they said.  'Up the wow factor,' they said.  'We got this,' they said."

     I'm going to come right out and say it: Jurassic World is not what I would consider a terrible movie.  However, as a whole, there are things that prevent it from being a great movie like Jurassic Park or even a really good movie like The Lost World: Jurassic Park (haters be damned).  In case you were wondering, yes, this one is better than Jurassic Park III, even if that's not a terribly difficult claim to make.

     Let's discuss the positive bits first.  At a run time of approximately 124 minutes, Jurassic World does take some time to show off the now open park a bit and allows us to spend some time with the characters so that we at the very least give a little bit of a shit about them before throwing them into the fray.  Maybe not enough but more on that later.

     One thing that kind of surprised me was that there was a nice injection of humor into the film, I think even more so than any previous Jurassic entry.  A lot of this comes from Irrfan Kahn as new owner of the park Simon Masrani and Jake Johnson (alumni of Trevorrow's previous effort Safety Not Guaranteed) as cynical control room operator Lowery.  Not to say that the rest of the cast doesn't get a moment or two to add some levity but I found that Masrani and Lowery did provide the majority of it.

     I made it no secret that I was not entirely sold on the idea of a genetically modified dinosaur.  I understand why they went this route though because if they just brought in a different dinosaur from the fossil record with a selling point of "bigger than a T-Rex," it'd just be Jurassic Park III with an operational resort and uh, yeah, no.  Thankfully, the Indominus Rex not only looks great in motion but works as a character in her own right and I was able to set my skepticism aside and have fun with her, particularly the scene where she hands the Asset Containment Unit team's (basically Animal Control) asses to them.

 Honestly, I think this guy got off pretty easy.

     Now, we all know there's two sides to every coin so let's head on over to the more negative side of things.  First off, the 3D isn't overwhelming by any means but it doesn't really add anything to the movie either.  When a dinosaur charges, it's not projecting enough that it feels like it is charging at you.  I know the movie was shot for 3D but it honestly just feels like its there to add an extra $3 per ticket to up its box office numbers.

    For the record, I like the cast of this movie.  I do not feel that Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Vincent D'Onofrio or anyone else phoned it in.  After sleeping on it, I do however think that some of the dialogue and story structure needed work.  Not that Jurassic World rushes into things but we only get just enough time with the main characters to know basically whether to root for them or not.  The film could've used more time developing why Claire (Howard) is so obsessed with work and profits that she can't remember how old her nephews are or why Vic Hoskins (D'Onofrio, who while may not be playing the most original character is having so much fun) is so gun-ho in his own agendas (I won't spoil it here unlike other reviews) instead of just, "'MURICA," or why Dr. Wu seems so much more mad-scientist than before just as a few immediate examples.  The problem isn't the actors but rather what they had to work with.

     If anyone is hoping for mass park casualties amongst the patrons, you might want to calm your expectations.  If you ever looked at the Jurassic World website, you can see the various rides and attractions as well as what animals are in the park so you can start spinning your imagination as to what kind of mishaps could ensue with these creatures in these sections.  Sadly, what you see in the trailers is more or less what you get: the Pteranodons and Dimorphodons swooping down on a packed Main Street.  For example, wanna see a Suchomimus flip a kayak in the Cretaceous Cruise?  Too bad, as that creature is not in the movie (people would've probably just thought it was the Spinosaurus anyway) and that ride is only featured in the film in the same shot that was in the trailer.  Just seems like a bit of a wasted opportunity in this department.

     Earlier I had spoke highly of the Indominus Rex but there was something that happened with her about 100 minutes in that was just dumb.  Like, really dumb.  For pretty much the whole film up until this point, I had a smile on my face like it was June 1993 again and would've made this movie as good as The Lost World but then this little twist comes up and almost ruined the movie for me.  I know that it sounds silly to write off an entire film on one little scene (just as silly as giving a movie a pass based on one little scene) but this particular bit really nose-dived the quality of the film for me.  Thankfully, what came a few minutes afterwards mostly made up for it but the scars were still there.

My sentiments exactly at that moment.

      Okay, it wouldn't be a Jurassic Park movie review if we didn't talk about the special effects.  After all, that's the key element of Jurassic's legacy.  I had said in my post from last year that I wanted to see more animatronics and less CGI.  Well, that's not the case here.  I don't have a problem with CGI or even a lot of CGI (the recent Planet Of The Apes films immediately spring to mind) but if there's going to be this much CGI, it all has to be the same level of quality.  To be fair, a lot of shots in Jurassic World feature full-body in-motion dinosaurs, something that animatronics have not been able to fully replicate.  Sure, the suits from the Walking With Dinosaurs Live Arena Spectacular are good but they aren't good enough for Jurassic Park.  That being said, there are some shots here (not just with dinosaurs) that could have been very easily done with practical effects instead of adding in the creatures in post-production.  I counted a grand total of three, seriously, fucking three animatronic shots.  Maybe.  I'm sorry, I know that's just how movies are made now because the studios want them made as quickly and as cheaply as possible but this franchise has built its reputation on being able to balance in-camera puppeteering with mostly high-quality CGI, which upon reflection this film is seriously lacking in parts, particularly in the end scene.  You know, the scene where it probably counts the most.  Even though the theatre and I were still going "OOOHHH," I couldn't help but think, "God, that CG better be refined for the Blu-Ray."  This is probably the one and only thing that Jurassic Park III has over Jurassic World (yeah, I said it).

This scene is the only one I can say with complete certainty that used animatronics.  Regardless of how well it turned out, that still feels criminal when talking about a Jurassic Park movie.

     Alright, time to wrap this up.  Was it worth the 14 year wait?  Eh, kinda?  Not really?  Hard to say.  I can't tell you that I'm 100% satisfied with the end result but I did clap with the rest of the audience once the credits rolled because Jurassic World does have an element of fun to it and while I don't really know if I like the fact that this one completely ignores the events of the previous sequels, I did feel it washed the putrid Jurassic Park III out of my mouth.  However, with how long this movie was in developmental Hell and the fact it has a $150 million price tag on it, you'd think something truly pants-shittingly awesome would be in theatres right now instead of, well, this.  It will be interesting to see how well (or not well) the film holds up upon repeat viewings but time will tell.  I will say that if Universal Studios was smart, they would know that the seeds planted here for future installments should be cast aside and end the series here on as close to a high note as they can.  It's a pipe dream, I know.  Given the franchise driven state of Hollywood, the generally positive feedback that the film has received and that ticket sale projections are putting this film's opening weekend intake somewhere near the $155 million mark, we can expect Jurassic 5 (no, not the hip-hop group) in theatres somewhere between 2019 and 2029.  Yay.

     -The Cynic

Cynical Musings: Suggestions For Jurassic World (SPOILERS)

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING BLOG POST CONTAINS POTENTIALLY MASSIVE SPOILERS TO THE FILM JURASSIC WORLD.  IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO HAVE THIS FILM SPOILED FOR YOU, TURN AWAY NOW.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

 

     Am I jumping the gun on this one?  Yeah, but when has that stopped me before?  This has been bugging me and I need to get it off my chest so, please, hear me out.

     It's been over a year and a half since Jurassic Park 4 was first announced via Twitter feed.  I gave some reasons why I wasn't excited at that time and haven't really mentioned the project since on the blog, largely in part because some other lesser known feature was in my sights.  Well, a lot has changed since the project was announced and I've been reading every single article about it (spoilers be damned) to see if something can ignite genuine excitement within me.  Alas, I'm still not excited for this film and I cannot decide whether any info I've heard hasn't given me much to work with or if out of fear of getting horribly disappointed again that I have some sort of mental block that is not allowing me to get excited.  That's not to say that I haven't been able to make some progress.  I've made peace with the fact that they've changed the name to not have Jurassic Park in the title and that they're returning to the first island for this one.  I'm incredibly happy for a couple of my friends and fellow Dan's JP3 Page alumni that were able to be extras for the film because how cool is it to say that you were able to be part of a Jurassic Park film?
     I've also let my mind wander about the subject long enough that I've been able to analyze the speculation and confirmed details from the articles and I've come up with some suggestions for the film so that even though I'm not excited for Jurassic World, these tips and pointers could save the film from being a potential disaster.  So, in a similar vein of Screen Junkies' "How To Fix" series, here's my not expectations but suggestions for Jurassic World.  Just in case the text at the start didn't drive the point home enough, Fucking Spoiler Alert!

     1.  Give The Movie A Minimum Two Hour Runtime
     If we're going to go back to Isla Nublar for this one, I wanna get a damn good look at how much the island has changed in the last 22 years.  I also wanna take in as much of this new park before we start shoving the paying customers into the sharp teeth and claws of the eighteen species on the island, sixteen of which listed here.  This was one of the reasons why I hated the third film because they figured all people care about are dinosaurs killing people so they just jumped straight into that, when in reality that's just one part of the series.  Let us get to know the characters the story focuses on, show us some "Oooos" and "Aaahhhs" or even some "Aw, cools," maybe tease us with some peril that just turn out to be false alarms at first.  Just don't rush it, especially if you're going to include THAT many different animals in the movie.

     2.  More Animatronics, Less CGI
     I'm not saying that CGI (Computer Generated Imagery) is a bad thing because it really isn't...when it's done right and done sparingly.  Obviously, there's going to be some parts that will require CGI like a full body dinosaur running or when the Diabolus Rex uses its cuttlefish-like camouflage (more on him later), but I see a lot of movies out there where a shot comes up that uses CGI when it could've easily been done with practical onscreen effects.  Also, CGI is so rampant nowadays that it would be a nice change of pace to see a movie where there isn't a lot of things added visually in post production.  I'm thinking with the involvement of Legacy Effects Studios (which was started by former members of Stan Winston Studios), not to mention this Velociraptor photo that was posted, this is probably one of my lesser...worries, for lack of better term, but I would hate to see a Jurassic Park film going primarily digital just for the sake of doing so when the original(s) did such a good job of balancing practical and visual effects.

     3.  Do Something Interesting With The Human Villain
     So a little while back it was announced that Edgar himself, Vincent D'Onofrio, was cast as the role of the CFO of the Patel Corporation (the company that owns the new park) that, as The Wrap puts it, "projects the image of a normal family man to mask a hidden edge."  So far, any human villains in the series have been influenced by money, so do something different this time around.  Make D'Onofrio a villain that we can relate to, maybe even feel sorry or root for.  Hell, take a page from Batman: The Animated Series' book and give his character a distraught back story so that his actions aren't necessarily greedy or evil but perhaps just...misguided so that despite any wrong doings on his part, we want to see him succeed and then feel genuine pity for him when he doesn't.  I just don't want to see a retread of Arliss Howard's Peter Ludlow from The Lost World: Jurassic Park where he twiddles his proverbial mustache and starts humming Shane McMahon's entrance theme whenever he sees the dinosaurs.

     4.  Make Diabolus Rex A Carnotaurus
     In May, a spoiler-ific article was posted on JoBlo.com that explained that one of the new attractions and the main baddie in the film would be a new genetically spliced super predator that can terrorize like the T-Rex, is as smart as the Velociraptors, can unhinge its jaw to swallow larger prey like a snake and use camouflage like a cuttlefish.  At first when I heard this, my mind immediately jumped to the old John Sayles JP4 script that had Raptor/Human/Dog hybrids (no joke).  However, director Colin Trevorrow stated that it may sound crazy but the genetic splicing of species isn't anything that wasn't suggested in the original novels.  Okay, so when you say "terrorize like the T-Rex," I'm picturing a theropod larger than a human that runs fairly fast, like the Carnotaurus, only the size would have to be exaggerated if they want a Carnotaurus/T-Rex fight.  It can unhinge its jaw like a snake?  That sounds similar to paleontological evidence of the Carnotaurus' jaws.  Cuttlefish-like camouflage?  Well, guess what had that ability in Michael Crichton's novel of The Lost World?  Stop pissing around the bush and just make the D-Rex a fucking Carnotaurus already!  You'll be serving up a warm, hefty bowl of fan service if you do.

     5.  Keep The Dinosaurs On The Island
     When the title of Jurassic World was announced, there was a lot of speculation as to why it was called such.  Why World?  Is there going to be a planet full of dinosaurs?  Is the movie going to be about the dinosaurs taking over the Earth?  If there's going to be a movie about dinosaurs munching on the human race on a global scale, it'd better be called Dinosaurs Attack! and have absolutely nothing to do with Jurassic Park.  One of the key elements in the Jurassic movies is isolation: having to fend for yourself, being cut off from immediate help, not being able to just pick up the phone and call someone with a big gun to come save you.  There's already a franchise that has an unlikely species taking dominance over the planet, let the apes have it!  Frankly, the whole "dinosaurs-getting-off-the-island" thing has been done before: once in film and four times in comics.  Out of those five instances, only one of them felt successful.

Costa Rican biker gangs vs Dilophosaurs?  Hell yeah!

     Hell, if you REALLY wanna have a story/film about a dinosaurmageddon, either make a Dinosaurs Attack film or make an offer on my script "Earth2" once I tweak it.  Just keep the Jurassic franchise on the islands, where it works best.  PLEASE.

     And my final and largest suggestion for Jurassic World is...

     6.  MAKE THIS THE LAST ONE.

     Alright, I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I'm one of those people who is sick of movie franchises.  I've mostly had a blast with the Marvel films thus far and can't wait for more.  Hell, after Godzilla had a very successful opening, a sequel was greenlit that weekend and I'm already on board for it.  So why am I calling for the curtains on Jurassic?  The thing is that Jurassic Park was never meant to be a franchise, simply a one shot deal.  However, like how many other franchises get their start, it was so bloody successful (becoming the highest grossing film of all time until Titanic came out) that there was a popular demand for a sequel, both for the book and the film.  However, the last 13 years, perhaps more, have NOT been kind to this series.  The last film sucked, the toys have become lazy repaints and what few new sculpts are released look terrible and I've made it no secret that ventures into the park through other media were, for the most part, less than impressive.  I have said it for years that the only reason why we should have a fourth installment is to bring the series to a solid conclusion.  However, in an interview with Empire, Colin Trevorrow said that Universal has plans for further Jurassic films and that he'd like to partake in them if they'll have him.

 My reaction to the Empire interview.

     Rather than dragging it out further and risk having the series take a monumental dip in quality (again), I really would rather that Jurassic World try to recapture the magic of the first film and have the series go out on a high note.  Perhaps instead of this movie being called Jurassic World, it should be called Jurassic Park: Sorry About Part Three So Here's One To Wash The Taste Out And Cap Off The Series.  See You In Five Years With The Remake.  Just rolls off the tongue, don't you think?  Like I said in my last Jurassic post, there really is nothing worse in fandom than watching your favorite film blossom into a franchise that consists mostly of mediocrity or garbage rather than the true greatness that started it in the first place, so please end it!  End it here!

     Now before anyone starts jumping down my back calling me a Negative Neddy or anything of that sort, lemme clarify a few things:

     1.  This blog is called Coffee With The Cynic, not Coffee With The Cheery Chubby Canadian.  My skepticism/pessimism should really come as no surprise at this point.

     2.  I take Jurassic Park very seriously and dearly to my heart.  I'm only being honest in my views.

     3.  If you are excited for or were involved with Jurassic World, this blog is not a personal attack on you.  Do not take it as such.  I do not wish ill fate upon you.

     4.  I want to be excited for this movie.  I want this movie to be GOOD!  I really do!  I want to have Godzilla levels of excitement and optimism for this one, but...sorry.  This one is on my viewing list not for excitement sake but for obligatory reasons.

     5.  The odds of any suggestions listed here actually being in the film are almost non-existent.  I know this.  Doesn't mean I can't still suggest them.

     6.  Something may come along to negate these suggestions and finally ignite that spark of excitement for this movie.  I'm not ruling it out, but at the time of this blog's production, it has not happened nor am I really holding my breath for it to do so.

     There.  I've said my piece.  We'll see how things turn out next summer when Jurassic World reopens the gates on June 12, 2015.

     -The Cynic

Why I Hate Jurassic Park III Now

My fandom for the franchise Jurassic Park needs no introduction, explanation or any further attention to you because if you're reading this, you probably know how I pretty much all but worship the air this franchise farts out and will no doubt take sharp instruments to your genitalia in lieu of any further elaboration on my part. However, what stops me from being one of those Jurassic zombies, as it were, are the comic Jurassic Park: Redemption, the toy-line Jurassic Park: Chaos Effect, and finally, why we're here today, the film Jurassic Park III.

Surprisingly, fandom appears to be hereditary as my now two year old son, Roland (partially named after Pete Postlethwaite's character from The Lost World: Jurassic Park), loves dinosaurs and actually calls them "kas" because he's trying to say the "K" sounds in Jurassic Park, what he immediately associates dinosaurs with. While he enjoys watching the kas in the entire series, he seems to have taken a liking to the third film for a reason I'll never quite understand (maybe because of the "bird kas"). Since it has those two practically magic words in the title, I find myself parking my ass down next to him and watching it too. However, lately Jurassic Park III hasn't sit quite well with me. In fact, the more I watch it, the less I like it, and considering how much young children like repetition, I now like Jurassic Park III far, far, FAR less than I did when I first saw it on July 18th, 2001. Why? Let's dig in and find out.

The Running Time
At a measly 90 minutes or so, Jurassic Park III feels like a member of the ADD generation, sacrificing build up, suspense & character development to show off the "goods" sooner. One of the great things about Jurassic Park and its sequel, The Lost World, was that it took its time before shit hit the fan. It established the characters, it showed off some of the wondrous animals and majesty of the island(s) before putting the characters you should root for in the way of a giant theropod's gaping maw. Here, give it ten or 15 minutes and the cast is already down two mercenaries and a way off the island. Um, okay, fine but why should we give a crap about Tea Leoni or Alessandro Nivola? Or even the two currently digested mercs at this point? Those two probably had a combined, what, 5 minutes of screen time and ten lines? Boo fucking hoo. If you want us to have a reaction, good or bad, to characters dying, you need to get us invested in them. Fail on this department.

Excuse me, sir. Have we met?

Tea Leoni
Now, I'm not harping on Tea Leoni because she's a bad actress or anything because to be honest, I'm not entirely familiar with her work for the most part, just this film and Deep Impact. The problem isn't so much in her acting, but her character. My other half, Picky Momma Scholar, finds Tea Leoni's character Amanda Kirby more annoying than Willie from Indiana Jones & The Temple Of Doom. I think Scholar shouldn't say things she can't take back (as annoying as Amanda can be, she has nothing on Willie or even Short Round). That not withstanding, Amanda is a fairly annoying character and probably the only grown woman from the Jurassic Park franchise that I wouldn't be bothered by seeing her not make it (I wasn't entirely sold on The Lost World's Kelly Malcolm). All she does is bicker with her ex-husband Paul (played by William H. Macy, who I like), scream and break away from the herd, calling unwanted attention to herself and her associates. After seeing wonderful leading ladies in the franchise thanks to Laura Dern & Julianne Moore, this just seems like a let down.

"Hi, Dr. Grant? S. Aegypticus here. Can you please tell that annoying thing you're scurrying around on my island with to shut the fuck UP?! Thanks to her, I now have to abandon a GREAT meal so I can get a head start to reach you bastards before the Velociraptors do. Congratulations."

The Spinosaurus
Sometimes, change is good. There are those who encourage, embrace and welcome it, but not all changes are good. Such is the case here. Spinosaurus is by no means a no name dinosaur, but not nearly as recognizable as the iconic and first two film's main attraction, Tyrannosaurus Rex. So much in fact, that I, no word of a lie, had people come up and ask me if Spinosaurus was actually a real dinosaur or something they just made up for Jurassic Park III. Spinosaurus is a real species of dinosaur, but the thing was that given its crocodilian snout and light frame compared other predators of similar size, Spinosaurus was designed more for catching fish and herbivorous dinosaurs in the area, NOT for delivering cheap kill shots to Tyrannosaurus and being some unstoppable bulletproof behemoth that this movie makes it out to be. Then again, the series' paleontological adviser, Dr. Jack Horner, just has it out for T-Rex, suggesting that it was a limping scavenger (you see it in this movie) and that Torosaurus & Triceratops were actually the same dinosaur, so maybe I shouldn't be surprised. Changing the main dinosaur at this point was like changing the lineup in Transformers back in the 80s: nobody cared about Rodimus Prime vs. Galvatron, and nobody cared about Spinosaurus either.

"Hiddy ho, kids! I'm Spinosaurus aegypticus! Even though I'm not nearly as recognized as my old buddy T-Rex and I have no right to rob him of all but 60 seconds of screen time in this movie, that doesn't mean we can't have fun, right? Right? Does anyone out there like me yet?"

The Velociraptors
After the first Jurassic Park film came out, the word "Velociraptor" became a household word. Rightfully so, seeing as they were the park's most terrifying animal (gave me nightmares for a year, not a word of a lie), even though they were more like Deinonychus or Utahraptor, but we can chalk that up to a miscalculation in the cloning. The screen time they got in Jurassic Park III makes up for their screen time, or lack there of, in The Lost World, but JP3 makes them out to be some kind of messiah that'll start a Dromaeosaur uprising that we'll see in Rise Of The Planet Of The Raptors hitting theatres soon. Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill) even says in the movie that they were smarter than dolphins, whales and primates. Sure, if those three species in question are dumber than a housecat (I know some primates who are, in all fairness). Most research that I've found has concluded that Velociraptors were probably about as smart as your common feline, which by reptilian standards, is still pretty impressive, but this movie makes them seem like McGuyveraptor (setting a trap in the tree? Seriously?). Another thing that pissed me off about the Raptors is their look. Why ditch the great tiger stripe thing from The Lost World and give them this acid trip coloration? It's like someone spilled some paint and primer on the male and female maquettes (respectively) while having an acid trip cranking some Pink Floyd and said, "Good enough." I'm fine with the males having feathers, but everything else just sucks.

"Whoa! The jungle's on fire, man!"
"Honey, put down the ecstasy."

Dr. Grant's Change Of Attitude
In Jurassic Park, Dr. Alan Grant says to Lex (Ariana Richards) that the dinosaurs are not monsters, but animals. Here, Grant flat-out says, "Now what John Hammond and InGen did at Jurassic Park was create genetically engineered theme park monsters, nothing more and nothing less." What the fuck, man? You study these things all your life and you get pissy after a few years because they just follow their nature? If you took such personal offense to them trying to feed themselves, why not switch professions? Did nearly a decade of sitting on the thought of them sour your opinion of it all? Actually...this is starting to sound a little familiar. In all seriousness though, this just goes to show you that the writers of Jurassic Park III forgot the whole point behind Jurassic Park.

"Your cousins tried to eat me. You're all a bunch of savage Judases."

Which brings me to my last point, and what I hate the most about Jurassic Park III...

Dinosaurs Are Animals, Not Fucking Monsters.
Dinosaurs fascinate so many people because like Steven Spielberg described them, they possess many of the aspects that make mythology so alluring...only its not mythology, its real. Therefore, his goal in the first Jurassic Park, and even the second if you think about it, was to show the dinosaurs more as the animals that may have existed all those millions of years ago rather than creatures ravenous for human flesh. Jurassic Park III took that philosophy, said "To Hell with this noise," and took a huge dump on it. I say this because of a few key scenes:
1. When the group first encounters the Tyrannosaur, they find him chewing on a dead dinosaur. He roars to scare them off, they split, and then he chases after them. The Tyrannosaur gives up tons, TONS of flesh already at his disposal for a couple of running bitesizers? That's like giving up a freshly cooked steak for some stray Skittles. What a crock.
2. When Udesky (Michael Jeter) gets killed, the Velociraptors claw him down his back and when they are called away, the male takes the time to reach down and break his neck, snarling back at Paul, Amanda and Billy (Alessandro Nivola), as if to mock them. You'd think that they'd just slash him again and put him out of his misery or you know, drag him back to their nesting site to feed their young. Just a thought.
3. The one that pisses me off the most, when Billy is thought to be killed by the Pteranodons and the one perched on the rocks nearby looks back and gives that "You're next" look to Grant and Paul. A real Pteranodon would probably screech at the intruders and take off to realign itself and dive at them, if anything. Sorry folks, this was creepy in the first Resident Evil game, but it just looks stupid here.

This movie can officially go fuck itself.

Okay, I think I've gone on about this for awhile now. I've been typing this for a couple hours now and I have other things to attend to. On top of all the things I mentioned, Jurassic Park III also had the lamest CGI (computer generated imagery) and toys in the entire franchise. In the first two films, the CGI looked damn real and still holds up pretty well, all things considered, but with JP3 anytime a CGI dinosaur was on I was well aware that I was looking at a rendered CGI model. This movie rushes into things, not giving us anything to wonder and marvel at with people we don't give a damn about thrown into the fray and is just a frustrating experience. With Steven Spielberg announcing that Jurassic Park IV is apparently a go, we can only hope that they learn their lessons from Jurassic Park III and take their time, both production and final length time-wise, to give us a quality film that will have us invest in the...what's that? Universal wants it out by 2013?

We're fucked.

-The Cynic