Jurassic Park: The Devils In The Desert #1 Review

You're probably wondering why you're reading these words here instead of hearing them on YouTube. Coffee With The Cynic's YouTube schedule is limited to 1-2 videos a month so that I don't burn myself out, so here it is. Be warned: minor to moderate spoilers.

Jurassic Park has had an unfavorable history with comics, whether it be poor artwork, strange/horribly written stories, or a combination of the two. The last good comic of Jurassic Park to be released in my opinion was the comic adaptation of The Lost World: Jurassic Park, where the dinosaurs looked very similar to how they did in the movies (unlike the first film's adaptation) and the characters almost looked spot on to the actors that played them. Sadly, that comic came out almost 14 years ago and the only follow-up we've had since then was the absolutely horrible series Jurassic Park: Redemption, which you can see me tear apart on Coffee With The Cynic's YouTube channel. So rest assured, I was skeptical of the announcement of the next installment, The Devils In The Desert, but since it has that damn logo with the Rex skeleton in it, I shelled out money to read it. How is it?

Redemption haters rejoice!

Well first off, it looks much MUCH nicer this time around and when reading any comic, nice artwork is good to have. However, in the sense of Jurassic Park, it is crucial because the films went out of their way to make sure the dinosaurs LOOKED real. Sure, pencil & Photoshop coloring doesn't quite match life-sized animatronics or computer generated imagery, but dammit, it helps. The humans don't look like horrible pixelated boxes, the vehicles and locales look like some effort was actually put into them and as for the "Devils?" Well, see for yourself...

I honestly was not expecting this...

I love how the Pteranodons have a very similar coloring to how they did in Jurassic Park III, making this feel like a true sequel rather than something trying to cash in on the JP name. I'm still not crazy about them having teeth, but they had teeth in the movie, so it only makes sense they sport them here.

The story of The Devils In The Desert follows Sheriff Tobias as he is called in to investigate cattle mutilations and the disappearance of a farmer. As he and his deputy investigate the details of the scene, they find a footprint and make a cast of it to be analyzed by experts at the state university. The missing farmer's body is discovered across the state line, making it a federal case and two Special Agents are brought in. Another farm gets attacked (preview page earlier) and the three men working there, or rather what's left of them, are discovered by the sheriff and his crew later on. One of the feds goes in a helicopter to scout ahead but the sheriff and other fed lose contact with him, only to find the chopper downed with a strange trail leading away from it, indicating something dragged itself away from the wreck. They however are called back to the airport to meet with the paleontologists the university sent, who are curious to see how they found perfect footprints of an animal that's been extinct for sixty-five million years. The comic closes with a group of hikers happening across a trio of Pteranodons (pictured above) hiding out in the mountains.

So what's good about the debut issue of Devils In The Desert? Obviously, the artwork as mentioned before, but the pacing of the comic is nice too. Building up the appearance of the creatures similar to Alien, Jaws, and many other classic horror films, you do not actually see the Pteranodons until the final 2 page spread of this issue. There's also a lot of dialogue to really get to know the characters and possibly get attached to them so you want to see them make it and not just get offed by InGen's creations. I believe that the Jurassic Park name is in good hands with writer/artist John Byrne, so let's hope he can keep this trend up in future issues. However, I do have a couple of things to nitpick about it:

#1: Pteranodons aren't dinosaurs.
Minor thing, but in the preview art earlier, you see the guy say, "It's a dinosaur! How can it be a dinosaur?!" I would hope that these farmers aren't being portrayed as your stereotypical southern hicks, but we all know that Pteranodons are not dinosaurs, but merely flying reptiles that were related to dinosaurs. I imagine that this line was used to keep the readers guessing as to what was tearing up the countryside and those who inhabit it, but that bugs me every time I hear it.
#2: Again with the insane metabolisms!
So in this issue, we hear about fifteen head of cattle, half of a horse, and four people getting torn apart by these creatures. If you look at the frame of the Pteranodon, you can see there isn't a whole lot to them. Their bones are hollow, their bodies are very thin and they need to be light in order to take flight (Hell, even the largest of pterosaurs such as Quetzalcoatlus only weighed approximately 300lbs.). Where is all that food going?! Are they burning off calories so fast that they need to gorge as much as they do? Are they infected with a zombie-esque virus that they need to consume every living creature in their path? Or have they been around longer picking off cattle and only now their cover's been blown? I hope the latter is the case, otherwise it makes them more like monsters than animals (again) and that was never what JP was about.
#3: The Covers.
I'll go right out and say it, Devils In The Desert #1 has a really nice cover. My gripe is with the next few issues in the series. While they look nice in their own right, they feel too much like copycats to me. Observe.

Cover art for issues #2 & #3

Not a deal breaker, per sey, but it would've been nice to see something other than the "from-the-mouth-perspective" in later issues, but if it works, go with it, I suppose.

Despite these three gripes, Devils In The Desert left me wanting more, whereas Redemption was DOA. You could say that this could very well be the redemption Jurassic Park needed after Redemption. I want to close this review by saying John Byrne has made an interesting choice with the creatures to use. In a franchise dominated by theropods like Tyrannosaurus and Velociraptor, it's a very gutsy move to say, "Nah, let's get those Pteranodons from JP3 in here. Let's tell their story." While I am applauding this comic for doing something a little different, the theropod fan in me is a bit let down that they apparently won't be featured in this story, especially after seeing this piece of art in the IDW forums, which I at first thought was done by John Byrne.

He may have been a lame T-Rex wanna-be in JP3, but who wouldn't wanna see this guy tear it up in a comic book?

Check back sometime next month where I'll be putting up a review for The Devils In The Desert #2. There'll probably be some other stuff in the meantime as well.

-The Cynic

Demo Reviews: Dead Space 2

Well I'll be, I'm reviewing a demo for a game that hasn't actually come out yet! Well that's a first. Anyway, let's look at Dead Space 2.



Let me get it out of the way and say that this is the first time playing a Dead Space game. I haven't played the first game, seen the animated films, or read the comics. But, as I've heard a lot of good things about the franchise, I thought I would give this one a shot. And it sure was something.

The demo starts out by giving you a four minute intro of exposition regarding the setting and the events of the first game. This is good for someone like me who doesn't really know much about it, and for those that do, you can skip it. This intro has some cool imagery and shows you the important stuff you need to know.

After that you go through what I assume is a ship looking for and speaking over radio to a woman named Dana. The set up of this allows you to get accustomed to the controls, the UI, and the various game mechanics, although if you are already familiar with all of this from the first game, it might seem a little dull. Eventually the shit really starts hitting the fan, and after some interesting encounters with some very creepy and disturbing creatures the demo ends just as you go "holy shit!" due to an imminent boss fight. Which was a good thing, because by the time we reached the end (the Cynic and I traded off playing after Roland woke up) we had no ammo and no health to speak of.

So what did I like about this demo? The atmosphere, it was dark, it was creepy, it just oozed the horror aspect of survival horror. The Cynic felt that the beginning of the demo with the frozen pods was very reminiscent of John Carpenter's The Thing (1982). Overall, I felt it had a very Alien x Resident Evil feel, and these comparisons are favorable. We had a lot of fun with this demo, it was creepy with just a few jump-type scares if you weren't paying attention to your surroundings, and it did it well. The ship felt dark, gloomy, and industrial, not a terribly inviting place to begin with. Your character, Isaac Clarke, lumbers heavily in his space suit that covers him head to toe, and you never see his face through his futuristic Crusader Helm. That was all brilliantly done. One other thing we really enjoyed, in kind of a sadistically satisfying way, was the stomping dead enemies in order to make them drop loot. The creatures themselves worked very well with the vibe of the game, as only the pale, mutated, spindly, rotting undead can.

What wasn't I crazy about: lack of ammunition. Now I know that it makes the game more challenging to be sparing with ammo, and it most certainly does, but it was almost impossible to find ammo anywhere, the stuff just did not drop. Although, there was no indication of what difficulty I was playing the game on (most likely a normal/default setting), so I don't know if that had an effect. So be warned, be stingy with your ammo, you won't get much. Same goes for regeneration items.

This game hits store shelves January 25th. So if you want to pick it up, that would be the time to do so. Would I play the full game based on this demo? Yes, I certainly would (although after Roland goes to bed). I would give this demo four stars out of five, for a great atmosphere, interesting story, and good gameplay, but severely short of ammunition and a bit of a slow start (especially if you've already played the first game). Definitely give it a shot, and look for the full game out soon!

** Oh, and if you haven't heard (or seen the post below), Coffee With the Cynic is making a return very soon! The Cynic is currently working on new material as I type this, and will be debuting said new material and a new, more set release schedule in the very, very near future! So stay tuned here, on our YouTube channel, and our Facebook page for updates and new stuff! Huzzah!**

Top 10 Most Acclaimed Films I Haven't Seen (Honorable Mentions)

Hey, everyone! Just writing to let you know that Coffee With The Cynic will be returning to YouTube with new content sometime this week, with a more consistent schedule of 1-2 episodes a month. Now, this list regards a video that you will be seeing next month, but I wanted to share this with you guys before I lost the documentation.

So February's primary video will be The Top 10 Most Acclaimed Films I Haven't Seen or I'm Singing My Death Warrant Because The Internet Will Murder Me For Not Having Seen These Films as I like to think of it. This will be the first list I've done that actually uses some kind of a scoring system and doesn't just consist of my personal picks. Here's how the system works:

-Look up a critically acclaimed film
-Check how it ranks on the Tomato Meter on Rotten Tomatoes.com
-Check the films grade on Internet Movie Database
-Add the scores together and divide by two, giving you an average score

Altogether, I checked the scores of 45 films, although I was only able to score 43 of them because Momento and Ben Hur do not have ranks on Rotten Tomatoes (Wtf?). The final list you'll see in February on YouTube will consist of 10 entries and 2 honorable mentions. What is listed here are the films that did not make it on to the final list. Enjoy and keep an eye on YouTube for a new CWTC video!

A.I.: Artificial Intelligence - 71.5%
Dreamgirls - 72%
The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford - 76%
Snatch - 77.5%
Leon The Professional - 82%
Brokeback Mountain - 82.5%
The Exorcist - 82.5%
Donnie Darko - 83.5%
The Ten Commandments - 84.5%
West Side Story - 85%
Se7en - 86%
The Usual Suspects - 87%
Rebel Without A Cause - 87%
Children Of Men - 87%
Slumdog Millionaire - 88.5%
The Departed - 89%
Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind - 89%
No Country For Old Men - 89%
Rosemary's Baby - 89.5%
To Kill A Mockingbird - 90%
The Pianist - 90.5%
Lawrence Of Arabia - 91.5%
Vertigo - 92%
Taxi Driver - 92%
One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest - 92.5%
Casablanca - 92.5%
Das Boot - 92.5%
North By Northwest - 93%
Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb - 93%
Seven Samurai - 94%
The Godfather Part 2 - 94%

So what will the final list consist of? All I can tell you is that it consists of films that I feel I'll catch the most flak for not seeing. Stay tuned!

-The Cynic

Top 10 Anticipated Game Releases for 2011

Hey all. With 2011 just starting, everyone is looking to this year's releases. And we at CWTC are no exception. I know this might be a bit late, and I apologize (stupid nasty flu bug). So without further adieu, let's look at my ten most anticipated games expected to hit shelves next year.

10. Max Payne 3

(Trailer?)
Max Payne is a lot of fun. I loved the first game's dark, comic book feel, the fun levels, the wild V trips, and of course some good ol' Bullet Time. I heard they were planning a third entry ages ago, as it was supposed to ship Q4 of 2009. We're not even sure if it will be out next year at this point, but if it is, I will definitely give it a shot. It's set more than ten years after The Fall of Max Payne and follows a whole new story with an older, more grizzled Max. I'm interested to see what this brings if/when it's released. Also, am I the only one that didn't hate the Max Payne movie? I mean, it obviously could have been better, but I still found it enjoyable and not horribly far from the source material.

9. The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword

(E3 Trailer)
This is one I have to love from afar, at least until I get my hands on a Wii. I just love how much it reminds me of Ocarina of Time (which it is apparently a prequel to). Hopefully I will be able to give this a try sometime. If not, I will remain dusting off my trusty N64 to get my LoZ fix.


8. Batman: Arkham City

(VGA Trailer)
Sequel to the intense and awesome Batman: Arkham Asylum, this bad boy is scheduled for Q3 of 2011. Batman is once again voiced by Kevin Conroy, and Mark Hamill returns as the Joker. I think that right there illustrates the awesome, especially those of us who grew up with Batman: The Animated Series. Several new villains are showing up, including Catwoman, Two Face and Mr. Freeze; as well as the return of the Riddler, Harley Quinn, and Victor Zsaz. I don't think more need be said.

7. Marvel vs. Capcom 3

(E3 Trailer)
A third entry in an awesome crossover fighting game? Yes please! This drops in February, and if it's anything like the previous entries, prepare for a good time (you can download MvsC2 for Xbox Live Arcade to brush up). We were sold on the first trailer, Iron Man, Deadpool, Thor, and Chris Redfield are just a few of the characters that you can build your team with. Also look for a more developed single player campaign, and unique endings for each character. It looks to be an ass-kicking good time.


6. Star Wars: The Old Republic

("Hope" Cinematic Trailer)
A Star Wars MMO put out by LucasArts and Bioware? I think that sentence pretty much says all it needs to. Set in the Old Republic (~3,500 years before the original trilogy), you can play as either Republic or Imperial (Sith) faction. Although, in true Bioware fashion, the line between good and evil is not so clear cut, such as the idea of a "gray Jedi". Although it is far removed from the movie universe (if you haven't gotten much into the old republic expanded universe), there are still many familiar places (Hoth, Coruscant, Tatooine, etc.) and the classes won't throw you off either (eg. Jedi Knight, bounty hunter, smuggler, Sith warrior, etc.). Expect this Q2/3 this year.


5. Portal 2

(E3 Trailer)
A sequel to one of the most mindfuckingly fun games ever? Hells yes! Portal was my main reason for buying The Orange Box, and it didn't disappoint. I don't want to get into spoilers, so I won't say much about the story of this one coming up. It does, however, have a multiplayer option the first didn't, which could prove to be very fun. This is one world I am very excited to return to come April. Yay!


4. Mass Effect 3

(VGA Trailer)
This one will be a long wait until Q4 (Holidays) of this year. A very long wait. The third and final installment of the Mass Effect series; this is where the shit hits the fan. Again, I don't want to give spoilers, but this is gonna be a big one and I'm quite anxious to see what/how Bioware does this (I have faith in their ability, it's just a long time to wait and wonder). I also can't wait to see how my Shepard's decisions carry over to this one from the previous two games. It's going to be a hell of a ride.


3. Diablo III

(Teaser Trailer)
Now that we've picked our jaws back up from the floor, let's talk about Diablo III. Oh my goodness, just typing that makes me squee a little. I've been watching this one for a while, and it just keeps looking better and better. I loved the first two (the Battlechest is pretty sweet) and this looks to be even better. And you can pick the gender of your character. How cool is that? Lady Barbarian FT-fuckin'-W! This is apparently another Q4 release, but knowing Blizzard that may change. But that's fine, because you know this is going to kick seven kinds of ass.


2. Mortal Kombat

("Shadows" Trailer, ft. music from Disturbed)
When Midway went under I feared for the fate of my favorite fighting game franchise. But I don't think I need worry. NetherRealm Studios (formerly Midway) are releasing the first game post-buyout by WB, and it looks groin-grabbingly awesome. While I enjoyed MK vs. DC, it didn't have the Mortal Kombat feel (mostly due to the neutering of the violence because of the DC heroes and a T rating). This has the shiny look of MK vs. DC, and all the fun and gore you'd expect from a Mortal Kombat game. Now I'm not a "hur-dur violenz" kind of gamer, but really, this is what MK has built its franchise on. I've seen some videos of some fatalities, and they are wicked. Also returning is visible damage to your character, a neat touch. Expect this bad boy around April.


1. Dragon Age II

("Destiny" Trailer)
You know, I should just start forwarding my paychecks to Bioware lol.
This should surprise exactly no one. At least no one that knows me or reads this blog. In fact, I already have my preorder for the Special Edition (because the Cynic is awesome and got it for me for Christmas). This game ships in March and focuses on one origin/character this time, by the name of Hawke (first name is up to you). It takes place during and after the events of Origins and Awakening and spans an entire decade. Several companion characters have already been announced, including your character's family and the Special Edition/DLC companion (who has a damn sexay voice). I am so excited to see the world of Thedas expanded and explore new areas, to see whatever cameos they throw our way (temporary Nathaniel Howe romance subplot pretty please?) , and how this grand story comes together. Not to mention the revamped art and combat styles.

Well I hoped you enjoyed my Top 10 Most Anticipated games of 2011. What are you looking forward to? Do you think Duke Nukem Forever is REALLY going to be out this year? I know there's a lot more games out there hitting shelves this year, what's tickling your fancy?
Until next time folks, and we'll try not to take so long.
Picky Mama Scholar

Scholarly Musings: Sex and Character Preferences in Video Games

*JUST A HEAD'S UP, THERE MAY BE GAME SPOILERS IN THIS POST* You have been warned.

Hey everyone, Scholar here to talk about video games again. Big surprise, I know. As you can tell from the title, however, this is something a little different. This isn't even a rant, just an interesting observation and I guess a bit of wondering-out-loud on my part. It has to do with sex and gender in video games, both yours and the characters you play. And how does it affect your game? (Side note: this would be a pretty cool thesis for someone to do. If I was more into socio-cultural anthropology I probably would).

Now let's talk about sex in video games. By this I am referring to male/female designations, the other kind of sex might come up later. For a long time, and even to some extent now, gaming has been seen mainly as a male pursuit. This is changing mind you, but many games still have the sense of being "guy games". But I don't want to detract from the topic at hand too much so that will have to wait for another post.

Anyways, back on topic. What spurred this was an observation I had about myself regarding my player characters and party characters of games. If given the choice, I will always play a female character. Granted there is the odd exception, such as Mortal Kombat where my favorite character Ashrah only appears in Deception and Armageddon, so in other games I tend to play Raiden (Kung Lao in Shaolin Monks). I even played the female characters in Diablo and Diablo II (Rogue and Amazon, respectively) where I was stuck as a ranged attacker rather than my much preferred melee. Why? Because I prefer to play female characters. I also love the game Portal, and that game is really neat for having basically two characters in the game, and both are female. How awesome is that? This is not to say I don't play games where you play as a male. I adore the God of War games, Bioshock was amazing, and I had so much fun with The Force Unleashed. So don't get me wrong, player character sex isn't a deal breaker as long as the game is good, but I will choose a female character if I can. In fact, I've never played a male Warden or a male Shepard, what I know about them comes from when the Cynic plays because he will generally play male characters.

However, things seem to change for me when playing a game in which you have party members. When I choose I party, my character tends to be the only female. For example:
Dragon Age: Origins Typical Party:
Fem!Warden
Alistair
Dog or Oghren
Wynne

But wait you say, you have Wynne, and she's female! That may be so, but she's also the only healer in the game, and thus gets brought along so I don't use all my health pots which I tend to hoard for the Archdemon fight. Okay, how about a couple of better examples?

Dragon Age: Awakening Typical Party:
Fem!Warden
Nathaniel
Anders
Oghren

As you can see, there is a pattern, although this party does work well for me. Me as DPS warrior, Nathaniel as rogue and to lockpick, Anders as DPS mage/healer, and Oghren tanks.

Mass Effect Typical Party:
FemShep
Kaidan
Garrus

Again, this fits the pattern and tends to work with my play style. I am usually Soldier class, so Kaidan's biotics complement that. Garrus can be a tad squishy at first, but does well especially with a sniper rifle.

Mass Effect 2 Typical Party:
FemShep
Garrus
Mordin/Grunt/Thane (who I wasn't able to recruit when I played but based on videos I have seen, I quite like Thane)

This is just based on how far I got in the game, but again it works for me.

As you can see, there are a few names that repeat themselves, which leads me to my favorite characters of each series:

Favorite Dragon Age: Origins and Awakening Characters (Party and NPC):
Alistair
Nathaniel
Anders
Ohgren
Shale
Bann Teagan
Wade and Herren
Gorim
Duncan
Flemeth
Sten

Favorite Mass Effect Series Characters (Party and NPC): (remembering I didn't finish the second game)
Kaidan
Garrus
Mordin
Thane
Legion
Joker
Captain/Councilor Anderson

From these lists there are exactly two female characters, Shale and Flemeth. Flemeth is awesome for being mysterious, humorous, possibly a little crazy, and fantastically voiced by Kate Mulgrew of Star Trek: Voyager fame. Shale is a great party addition with unique skill trees, has an overwhelming hatred of birds (with often humorous results), flirts with Sten. And is a golem. But, she was once a dwarf, Shayle of House Cadash, who volunteered to become a golem.

See. Totally Female.

So my question is this: why? Why am I not a fan of the female characters? One could make the argument with some such as Alistair and Kaidan that the only reason they are on the list is because they are romance options. While the romance part is true, and I have romanced both, that isn't the only reason I like the characters. I find their stories interesting. Mordin isn't romance-able, but the conversations with him are awesome, interesting, and hilarious. Garrus is just a badass character, and quite sweet as a romance option. Such as the interaction between Nathaniel Howe and my Cousland (human noble) character in Awakenings, I was greatly interested in the potential friction between the two (I killed his father after said father killed my PC's parents). He turned out to be my favorite party member even after all of that was sorted out. Couldn't say the same about Velanna. She was irritating and a supreme bitch to everyone. While she was an interesting study for being as much the victim of her own prejudices as her people were victims of human racism, the whole "You're all human and bad and I don't like you all because I'm Dalish blah, blah, blah, blah, blah" got kind of old. Switching to Mass Effect, the ladies don't fare much better. Ashley always kind of annoyed me with her xenophobia, although as a love interest she is pretty romantic. And you can't deny the awesomeness of a name like Ashley Williams.

Hail to the King, Baby.


Female NPC's don't fare much better. Lady Isolde has a voice like nails on a chalkboard and about as much intelligence. But, unlike with Mass Effect's Khalisah al-Jilani, there is no option for a rather satisfying punch to the face, which is somehow more awesome as a FemShep. Observe:



Two of my favorite NPCs, however, are the Blacksmith Master Wade and his partner Herren from Dragon Age. Not only does Master Wade make some excellent stuff for you with the right materials (Drake and Dragon scale armor, Golem Shell Armor, Vigilance, etc.), but the banter between the two is absolutely priceless. They are confirmed as a couple, and bicker like only two people who have been together a long time can.




But again, we get to the question. Why? I can continue to give examples until my fingers fall off from typing, but it doesn't answer the question. So I'm asking my reading audience, what do you think? Do your favorite characters and NPCs in a game seem to fall to one sex or another? Do you play your own sex or the opposite when given the choice? Is it a matter of what characters you identify with? And if so, does the sex of the character matter? It seems I identify more with male characters, yet prefer to play as a female. What do you think? Feel free to leave comments, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Quick Blurb Review: My Name Is Bruce

First and foremost, Bruce Campbell is awesome. Why? He's The King Of B-Movies, the owner of quite possibly the Manliest Chin in the history of Manly Chins, and the sole reason why I tried out and stuck with Old Spice products. Most people, myself included, know Mr. Campbell for his role as Ashley J. Williams from the Evil Dead trilogy, a character that he made so badass and likable that fans almost worship him for it 30 years later.

Campbell's career isn't exactly A-list, but it doesn't have to be, because he can make any bad movie watchable, even if it's just a cameo. Some of his work may seem like some as a self-deprecating joke, but Bruce knows it, runs with it and we fans keep eating it up. Example: My Name Is Bruce.

The movie starts with some horny teenagers (surprise) in a graveyard when they accidentally awaken an ancient Chinese God. Only one of them makes it out, and he just so happens to be a massive Bruce Campbell fan. Cut to Bruce, arguing with his agent about the state of his career while his agent promises Bruce the best birthday he's ever had. The kid survivor then approaches Bruce for help but Bruce tells him to fuck off, so the survivor kidnaps him. Thinking that this is all a sham for his birthday, Bruce decides to play hero for the town but when he encounters the Chinese God, he realizes that it isn't a game and he must fight for the town's survival.

I'm really kicking myself for not watching this movie sooner. Produced & directed by Campbell with a wonderful script by Mark Verheiden, this movie was a blast, poking fun at the film industry, Bruce Campbell & his fan base in a non-condescending manner, making it more satirical than flat out offensive. The acting was pretty good with some bad parts mixed in occasionally but I'm pretty sure that's intentional.

As far as creature effects go, I love how there is NO CGI in this film, save for a brief misty effect on some of the shots of Gwan-di (the Chinese God) and one shot of CG blood. I love that because as you already know, CGI is terribly overused and it's nice to see practical effects in the spotlight for the majority of the movie.

This movie is played for laughs, so if you're expecting a jump scare every ten minutes, you're pissing up the wrong rope. This movie is so tongue-in-cheek that it's almost poking through. Even though Ted Raimi has 3 roles in this movie and does feature cameos from the actors who played Jake in Evil Dead 2 and the Blacksmith from Army Of Darkness, it's no surprise Bruce steals the show here, but if the show's already about you, can you truly steal it?

Final sum-up? My Name is Bruce is the movie Zombieland should have been. This movie had a budget of 1.5 mil and is more entertaining than some of the huge blockbusters coming out now. Anyone who hasn't seen this movie really should. It's got Bruce, horror cliches, milfs and plenty of laughs with enough of a horror tone to blend the two genres together. Go check it out.

-The Cynic

Demo Reviews: Vampire Rain

Here I said I was going to do a more recent game, and I'm looking at a game from 2008. I guess it's more recent than 2005, so that must count for something. This game was also released for the PS3 as Vampire Rain: Altered Species. It combines aspects of stealth and sneakiness along with action and survival horror. Sounds pretty sweet right?

NO

This demo SUCKED. There was a choice of three missions. Two involved sneaking around to find things and the third had you sitting in an alley shooting vampires as they ran at you. And they were all awful. There was nothing in the way of tutorial or even a quick bit at the beginning showing you what buttons did what, not a great way to start. I started with the point and shoot in the alley, and wow, what a shitfest. You are armed with a shotgun that is painfully slow (I threw on Mass Effect after and the shotgun was definitely faster than Vampire Rain) and each vampire/zombie creature takes at least two hits to down. Your shotgun has five rounds and a slow reload. You miss a single shot? You're fucked. Why? Because you can take exactly one hit from the vampires (two is rare) before game over. So why the hell does the game bother to give you a health bar when you have about as much lasting power as a level 1 priest in Naxxramas?

Doing the stealth isn't any better. If a vampire sees you, there is no way to hide or otherwise get away. Your weapons apparently don't even work on them for the first third of the game. WTF? I get the whole Metal Gear Solid/Splinter Cell BS that they were trying to go for, but this is ridiculous!


In addition to that, for 2008, the graphics are very underwhelming. Observe:

Vampire Rain (2008)

Mass Effect (2007)

Mortal Kombat: Armageddon (2006)

In addition to the lackluster visuals, you also get very sub-par voice acting. I was quite disappointed in both these areas, and it was the icing on the cake for this already craptastic game. I'm not alone in this thought, this game was not well received (although was slightly more so in Japan), and I'd never heard of it before. And for a game about vampires, they looked a lot like more like zombies with a bit of vampire thrown in. Granted, I won't complain about making a vampire scary, but they looked a little too Romero-esque. That said, I will take these things over this douchebag any day.

So in conclusion, this demo sucked, and the rest of the game does too. It's substandard in all aspects and too frustrating to even be mindless fun. It looks bad, the voice acting is bad, the lack of ability to defend yourself or throw the vampires off your trail is bad, the one hit-kills against you by every enemy is frustrating, and the lack of action makes it boring in addition to frustrating and bad. This demo blows. I'd recommend this about as much as I'd recommend syphilis. Skip it.

PS. News from the world of the Cynic and I. Check out the Cynic's newest vid here. But don't worry dear fans, this isn't the end by far, just a bit of a break. I haven't decided on the future of the TTOTM videos during this time yet, but there's at least one that I wouldn't mind doing, but that will depend. However, you'll see a lot more activity on this blog from both of us as a result. So stay tuned right here for more with the Cynic, as well as more Demo Reviews and such with me.

Cheers to all
Picky Mama Scholar