There's no two ways about it, I LOVE Halloween. What I love so much about it is the costumes. I can certainly appreciate any excuse at all to go out in costume. So, I try to do something cool every year. Over the last few years I've done several very geeky costumes, including April O'Neill, Chun-Li, Tyrael (from Diablo II), Ashrah from Mortal Kombat, etc. This year will be no exception. However, everyone has costumes that they would love to do, but for whatever reason, just can't do. So here are my top 5 unlikely costumes, and why they just aren't happening anytime soon.
5. Nitara- Mortal Kombat
Mortal Kombat is my favorite (fighting) game franchise. And they have a lot of cool characters. Nitara is a vampire from a different realm that was introduced in Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance. Why I Can't Pull It Off: a couple of reasons 1) I couldn't build the wings and 2) it's way to skimpy. Now not only do I NOT look like that, it gets pretty cold around Halloween (we had a spattering of snow last night) and I would rather not freeze. Likelihood of Doing this in the Future: Not likely
4. Blood Dragon Armor- Dragon Age Origins
Dragon Age Origins is a game I rented on a whim because the video store didn't have any copies of the game I went there looking for. And it blew me away. It has easily become one of the best games I have ever played. When I bought the game, I got a code to download this set of armor (and a similar set for Mass Effect 2). Why I Can't Pull It Off: Armor building. I lack the skill, materials, and a place to build armor like this. Likelihood of Doing This in the Future: If I could, I definitely would.
3. Big Daddy- Bioshock
Bioshock is another game I picked up somewhat on a whim and is also an amazing time. The game has such an intriguing atmosphere and setting that I can't help but enjoy it. It also has the Big Daddy, a tough character to beat for sure. And I have seen cosplay of this before, and it was amazing with an incredible photo shoot in an aquarium. Why I Can't Pull It Off: I haven't the skills to build such a thing. That is far beyond me. Likelihood of Doing it in the Future: Again, if I could,I would. For sure.
2. Red Sonja
What's not to like about Red Sonja? She's a woman that kicks ass, doesn't take shit from anyone, and carries a very large sword. She also dresses in a chainmail bikini. Why I Can't Pull It Off: Did I not mention the chainmail bikini? Or the fact it's not unusual to have snow on Halloween here? Likelihood of Doing it in the Future: Very, very unlikely
1. Odetta Holmes/Detta Walker/ Susannah Dean- The Dark Tower Series
Odetta Holmes and Detta Walker are two personalities of the same person who are drawn into Mid-World by the Gunslinger Roland Deschain. The two personalities confront each other and are melded into one: Susannah Dean, who accompanies Roland on his quest for the Dark Tower. And I love these books. So much. Why I Can't Pull It Off: Susannah is an African-American woman who is missing her legs below the knee due to an accident. I'm, well... not. Likelihood of Doing this in the Future: If I could get a wheelchair, darken my skin without being offensive, and hide my lower legs, sure.
Happy Halloween Everyone from all of us here at Coffee With the Cynic! And thanks for reading and watching our vids!
So I finally got around to watching Terminator: Salvation over the Thanksgiving weekend. Hell, I even got to watch it on Blu-Ray...on a tube tv, but it was still Blu-Ray. And what did I think of it? Meh.
Basically, the overall look of this film is Reign Of Fire with Terminators. The world looks like an ashtray with machines stomping around instead of dragons. The story isn't anything too exciting because the biggest twist was revealed in the trailers and that REALLY hurt this movie in the end.
The cast, much like the rest of this movie, is pretty forgettable, with the exception of Sam Worthington. It really says something when a side character is more attatchable than John Connor in a fucking TERMINATOR MOVIE. Christian Bale as Connor didn't win me over any. I honestly thought Nick Stahl did a better job in T3: Rise Of The Machines.
Let's talk about the effects. I think the half-melted faces revealing metallic skeletons look better this time around than they did in T3, but there was too much CGI in this movie. I'm NOT a fan of the full CGI T-800 in this movie and there were a couple of shots that could've easily been done with practical effects. ILM's done better work, but the "Arnold" cameo was a nice fanfare touch.
As for watching it on Blu-Ray? Even seeing Blu-Rays on LCD & Plasma TVs and comparing it to tubes, I still don't see a difference between the three kinds of TVs. Hell, I still don't see a difference between DVD & Blu-Ray. Needless to say, I won't be buying a Blu-Ray player anytime soon when DVDs are still in full swing.
Final thoughts? To put it harshly, Salvation is the most unentertaining of the series and really not worth the 114 minute runtime. It's by no means unwatchable, but it's so damn forgettable.
Hey, everyone! Sorry that this has been put off for so long, just got a lotta shit on the go at home. Let's not delay this any further. Here are entries 5-1 on The Top 15 Favorite Simpsons Episodes!
#5 - S8xE10: The Springfield Files
I was SO pumped to see this episode. As a big fan of The X-Files at the time and a still big fan of the paranormal, this episode reeled me in with a simple commercial: Homer encounters an alien in the woods and Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully from The X-Files come to Springfield to investigate, with David Duchovny & Gillian Anderson reprising their roles as Mulder and Scully. However, what stops this episode from ranking higher is that the "alien" turns out to be a drugged up Mr. Burns. This episode also features a cameo from Leonard Nemoy, which is always awesome, but as great as the guests were, I had hoped that the "alien" was actually an alien proving otherworldly existence in the Simpsons universe in a more concrete manner than the very tongue-in-cheek Kang & Kodos, although I do love those two.
Respect.
Cynic's Funniest Moment: There's a few in here, like Scully getting Homer to run on the treadmill for no other reason other than to lose some weight, but what fucking kills me every time I see it is Mulder's ID badge. Seriously, Google it and I DARE YOU not to laugh. On a side note, since this shows Simpsons crossing over with another FOX license, I want Matt Groening to get Joel Silver on the phone and make a full length Halloween Special of Simpsons vs Predator. Make it happen, gentlemen!
#4 - S8xE04: Burns, Baby Burns There are two things that make this episode so much win: Rodney Dangerfield and Journey. While on a trip, a man looks into a train window to see Mr. Burns is an almost exact match to the man in the photograph he carries around. When the man tracks down Burns, he reveals himself as Larry Burns (Dangerfield), his long lost son. Friction immediately surfaces as Larry's personality clashes with Charles' that results in Larry being labeled as a disappointment. Aiming to help his new friend, Homer convinces Larry to stage a phony kidnapping to make Burns actually care more about his son. Hell somewhat breaks loose and then everything is resolved by everyone dancing in the streets to Journey's "Any Way You Want It." Whenever I hear that song or someone mentions Rodney Dangerfield, I always think back to this episode and remember the stitches it left me in.
#3 - S8xE16: Brother From Another Series The 2nd episode with Sideshow Bob on this list and easily the best. Sideshow Bob's brother, Cecil (voiced by Fraiser co-star David Hyde Pearce) bails him out of jail and gives Bob a job working at a dam Cecil owns until it turns out Cecil is insanely jealous of Bob for being Krusty The Klown's sidekick and not Cecil, despite how hard Cecil tried to be. When Bart & Lisa sneak into the dam to see what Bob is up to, they get caught up in this family drama and the old lesson "The Enemy Of My Enemy Is My Friend" rings true as Bart & Lisa end up working with Sideshow Bob to stop Cecil. This episode shows Season 8 was on a roll with some of the show's best work, 4 of the 15 on this list being from S8 and David Hyde Pearce's comedic timing confirms that in spades. Cynic's Funniest Moment: I would say any line where DHP says anything, but I do need to be specific. After Cecil locks them in the dam and Lisa thinks that they're doomed, Bob immediately throws it back in her face with, "Oh, I see! When I come up with a brilliant scheme, you kids can't thwart my plans fast enough! But when CECIL tries to kill you, 'It's hopeless, utterly, utterly hopeless!'"
#2 - S5xE06: Marge On The Lam After Homer royally fucks up his promise to spend more time with Marge, she ends up hanging out with her neighbor Ruth Powers. Turns out that Ruth and Marge are quite compatible with each other and Marge begins to adapt more of Ruth's wild side. Homer,feeling threatened by Marge not wanting to spend time with him, heads out and leaves the kids with lawyer Lionel Hutz (voiced by the late Phil Hartman). He hangs out with Chief Wiggum and they end up chasing Marge & Ruth because Ruth stole her ex-husband's car. When Homer sees Marge is with her, he becomes worried that Marge is leaving him and he, long story short, ends up apologizing for their whole marriage. There are three reasons why I really liked this episode and why it ALMOST made #1: A) This episode seemed to be rarely on, much like The Secret Wars Of Lisa Simpson. It's such a good episode that I took any chance to see it whenever it came up. B) This episode lets Marge really get some shit between her toes instead of being the nagging voice of reason that she usually is and it would've been interesting if this kind of personality stuck around for more than this episode. C) I LOVE the subplot of Lionel Hutz looking after the kids. Anything Phil Hartman touched on this show was comedic fucking gold. Cynic's Funniest Moment: When Homer's arms are stuck in two vending machines and when one of the EMPs ask him if he's just holding onto the can, Homer replies, "You're point being?" We then see Homer leaving the plant embarrassed as the laughter of his co-workers follow him.
Okay, this one was really hard to choose. There's been so many great Simpsons episodes that it's really hard to choose just one as your favorite. Is it the one with Johnny Cash as the Space Coyote? Burns losing his fortune? Lisa making her own doll? The Flying Hellfish? I thought long and hard about it and upon realizing it, I felt stupider for not thinking of it sooner.
#1-S4XE12: Marge vs The Monorail Once this occurred to me, I had an M. Bison "Of Course!" moment. It's got great writing (by Conan O'Brien), awesome guest appearances (Phil Hartman, Leonard Nemoy) and some of the most memorable Simpsons lines ever.After Mr Burns pays the city $3 Million for dumping toxic waste in a public park, the city debates what to use the money for. After plenty of good ideas and a hilarious retrospect of the state of Main Street, enter Lyle Lanley (Hartman). Lanley wins the town over with a musical number pushing his transportation method of choice, The Monorail. Marge disapproves of the idea and finds a town where the Monorail was previously built. She finds the designer and he explains that Lanley cut costs everywhere and the train failed horribly. As the Monorail begins its maiden voyage through Springfield, it immediately malfunctions and Homer, the conductor, has to find a way to shut it down before everyone on the train is killed. I find this episode one of the most quotable of the series and I still hum the Monorail showtune from time to time. It also contains my favorite Simpsons quick gag (and this episode had a lot of them), which brings us to our funniest moment. Cynic's Funniest Moment: When Marge is radioing Homer to help him stop the train. It's not so much what he says but just how calmly he says it. Marge: Homer? Homer, can you hear me?! Homer: Hello? Marge: Homer, I have a man here who thinks he can help you! Homer: Batman? Marge: No, he's a scientist. Homer: Batman's a scientist. Marge (annoyed): It's not Batman!
Well, there you have it! After over a week of being delayed, my fondest Simpsons memories have been listed on Blogspot. I hope you enjoyed reading them and by all means, feel free to share your own Simpsons memories. Of course, as I type this, it occurs to me that I still have not seen The Simpsons Movie. After talking about the show in this detailed of a fashion, perhaps I'll have to give that one a watch. Cynic out!
Hey, everyone! The Cynic is coming at you again with Part 2 of Coffee With The Cynic's Top 15 Favorite Simpsons Episodes! In the chance that you missed Part 1 of this list, you can see it here.
#10 - S05xE02: Cape Feare Bart's nemesis, Sideshow Bob (voiced by Kelsey Grammar), gets out of prison again and has been out to kill Bart ever since Bart cracked Bob's framing of Krusty The Klown and every other scheme since. Following a parody of the film Cape Fear, The Simpsons are put into Witness Protection, renamed The Thompsons and move to Terror Lake. Unfortunately, Bob follows them and the climax of the episode shows Bart trying to keep Bob from killing him as their houseboat floats down the river to Springfield. Cynic's Funniest Moment: NOT the rake bit, that hasn't aged well. As much as I love Homer kicking in Bart's door wielding a chainsaw wearing a hockey mask mere seconds after Bart says he's under a lot of stress, I gotta go with the part where Bob is writing all of his notes in blood and begins to write him memoirs the same way. When he starts passing out, his cellmate Snake finally tells him what we've all been thinking, "Use a PEN, Sideshow Bob!"
#9 - S09xE01: The City Of New York vs Homer Simpson This episode was pulled from syndication after the 9/11 terrorist attacks, but since then has been put back in some regions.On a night out with the guys, resident drunk Barney Gumble draws the short straw and is the designated driver. When Homer's car hasn't been returned, The Simpsons find out that Barney went mad and drove it to New York City, a place Homer swore to never return to. While the family is off sightseeing, Homer finds his car parked in front of the World Trade Center. After failing to meet up with the man who can take the boot off of his car due to a very funny bathroom break, Homer fucking snaps and puts his car through absolute HELL to meet up with the rest of his family and leave the city. Cynic's Funniest Moment: While I do love the running from one tower to the other to use the bathroom, I laughed hard at Homer's reaction to the Kravkalesh salesman's drink options. Salesman: Mountain Dew or Crab Juice. Homer: BLAUGH! UGH! EWWWWW! I'll take a Crab Juice.
#8 - S07xE03: Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily I think you can tell from the title which one I'm talking about. In a gross misunderstanding resulting from quite possiblythe biggest clusterfuck in the history of The Simpsons, Bart, Lisa & Maggie are put in foster care under the roof of The Flanders' family. While Homer & Marge attend a parenting correctional course, Bart & Lisa become worried that Maggie is forgetting she's a Simpson (confirmed in spades in a reference to The Exorcist that is fucking creepy). Things escalate when Ned learns that the children haven't been baptized and Homer & Marge race against time to stop Ned from making their kids be Flanders' in the eyes of God, which, by the way, I think Homer shoulda beat the snot out of Ned for even ATTEMPTING such a thing, seeing as how Ned has NO right to attempt such a thing. Sure, maybe I'm looking too deep into that since it is played for laughs, but seriously, what the hell?! Cynic's Funniest Moment: When Homer & Marge ask Grandpa Simpson about what happened and he brushes it off like a juice stain. Homer: We leave you with the kids for three hours and the county takes them away?! Grandpa: *walking away* Oh, bitch, BITCH, BITCH!
#7 - S06xE25 & S07XE01: Who Shot Mr. Burns? If anyone was accusing the show of losing steam, I think this two part episode told them where to stick it. Seriously, the marketing behind this episode was great! What better way to get people to tune into the season premiere than a season finale that when the words "To Be Continued" came on screen, you literally looked up and the Gods and went "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"On top of that, you had to wait 4 months for an answer. An oil deposit is discovered under Springfield Elementary and the money would be used to further the school's advancements. However, his greed gets the better of him and Mr. Burns steals the oil for himself, enraging the entire town. When he sets up an instrument to block out the sun, the townspeople begin considering to take action against him. When Burns is found shot on a sundial, the entire town becomes a suspect. Homer is named the primary suspect because of an eyelash with Simpson DNA found on Burns' suit and by Burns himself, who can say only Homer's name in post-traumatic stress, despite the fact he could never remember it before. When Burns becomes coherent again, it's revealed that Maggie was the one who shot him. The ending was quite a surprise but the explanation given actually works well. Cynic's Funniest Moment: It appears that Homer is about to strangle Mr. Burns but Burns regains his vocabulary and his old ways (i.e. not remembering Homer's name). The look on Homer's face is absolutely pricelessbefore he lets out the most chilling, pent up, enraged "D'OH!" ever to be heard.
#6 - S08xE25: The Secret War Of Lisa Simpson From what I remember of watching the episode syndication, you know, where they just air a marathon of Simpsons episodes as airtime filler, this episode was actually pretty rare and I took every opportunity I had to see it.On a field trip at the police station, Bart pulls a prank that blows out every glass window in Springfield. Heeding Chief Wiggum's advice, The Simpsons ship Bart off to Military School and Lisa, bored with her class, stays with him for the challenge, thinking its her dream school. Because the commanding officer (Willem Dafoe) moves all of the boys into a different hall, they immediately hate Lisa and do everything they can to try and make her quit. Bart stays by her side for support and the episode peaks with the class going across The Eliminator. Cynic's Funniest Moment: Much like the rest of these entries, this episode was chalk full of comedic gold. However, the best is when Bart is given a grenade launcher on the firing range but intentionally misses his last target.When told of that, he quips with, "Did I?" Cut to Principal Skinner in the school parking lot covered in soot standing in front of a crater holding his keys out to unlock his now non-existent car.
Alright, two down, one to go. See in a few with entries 5-1! -The Cynic
Ah, The Simpsons. The mere mention of the name brings back all kinds of memorable television moments: Homer finding out he has twenty four hours to live, Krusty The Klown faking his death, Lisa's look into the future where the man of her dreams turns around on her, Bart becoming a Hall Monitor, Maggie being adopted by bears, the list goes on. I used to be an avid Simpsons viewer as a kid but I had stopped watching because a lot of the newer episodes felt lacking to me. The ONE time I decide to try and catch a new episode of the show, they use Kesha's "Tik Tok" as the theme song. It's no secret that I FUCKING HATE KESHA, so this really pissed me off. The Simpsons, a show that has to have some kind of talent to warrant an over twenty season run, and Kesha, a talentless bitch who is the Jabberwock of music (the bad musician that all other bad musicians fear), should not be in the same sentence, much less the same animation. Now that I've had ample time to cool off about it, I decided to think back and remember my fondest moments of a show that, as harsh as this may sound, is dead to me. Here is Coffee With The Cynic's Top 15 Favorite Simpsons Episodes! Why 15? Because there was NO WAY in Hell I was going to be able to narrow it down to seven. 15 was hard enough, and I could write an essay on the honorable mentions alone.
#15 - S05xE04: Rosebud This is the episode where Mr. Burns has dreams about his old teddy bear, Bobo. As it turns out, through an elaborate turn of events, Bobo has wound up in Springfield and is in the possession of Maggie Simpson. Upon discovering this, Burns & Smithers do everything short of using heavy artillery to get the bear back. When Burns admits defeat and tells Maggie to take care of Bobo for him, Maggie has a change of heart and lets C.M. Burns have his old bear back. This episode had a lot of heart but wasn't sappy all the way through. In fact, the buildup to the sap was quite funny. Cynic's Funniest Moment: Burns & Smithers are stuck to the ceiling of The Simpson's kitchen as Homer has a midnight snack of 64 slices of American Cheese. The conversation that follows the next morning is priceless. Marge: Have you been up all night eating cheese? Homer: Aye thingk Ahm bleyend...
#14 - S09xE14: Das Bus In a parody of "Lord Of The Flies," Bart, Milhouse, Lisa (why do the fourth and second grades always go on field trips together?) and their classmates end up stranded on an island where they have to use their wits to survive. Things only worsen when when Milhouse is accused of eating all of the food and his warnings of a monster go unheard. Unlike the original LOTF, Bart isn't the only survivor of his group when the kids break up into two tribes and he isn't chased onto the beach where Bob Peck (Jurassic Park's Robert Muldoon) in military fatigues rescues them. Cynic's Funniest Moment: Probably a tie between Otto's would-be last words to the kids ("Zeppelin rules!") and James Earl Jone's end narration, where the story just picks an ending out the sky ("And the children were eventually rescued by, oh...let's say, Moe.")
#13 - S06xE23: The Springfield Connection Marge chases Snake into an alley after he cheats Homer at a game of 3 Card Monty, but he pulls a knife on her. In a surge of adrenaline, she knocks him out with one shot using a trash can lid. Amazed by the thrill of stopping a criminal, Marge enlists in the police force, which makes Homer insecure about his masculinity. When I first saw this episode as a child, I honestly thought this was how police boot camp policies worked ("I told you, you don't get your gun until you tell me your name!"). Cynic's Funniest Moment: Again, another tie, between Homer being arrested by Marge in the parking lot (depicted above)... Homer: Ooo, Marge, not here...wait, you're not really arresting me, are you? Marge: You have the right to remain silent. Homer: I choose to waive that right. *yells incoherently* ...and Homer's discovery of the counterfeit jeans operation in his garage (or "car hold," according to Moe). Herman: *Pulls gun* Not so fast! Homer: Okay *slows pace towards door* Herman: Maybe you should just stop entirely.
#12 - S07xE24: Homerpalooza Homer Simpson has a fucking awesome taste in music andanyone who says otherwise is a blithering idiot. This episode made me a fan of Mountain's "Mississippi Queen" and Bart should've been pimpslapped out the window for trashing Homer's music. Now that I've gotten that off my chest, Homer wants to feel more accepted by his kids so he takes them to Hullabalooza, a tour parody of Lullapalooza, and immediately gets accused of being a narc and is thrown out of the crowd. In a fit of anger, he accidentally sets off a stage prop and gets shot in the stomach, but feels fine afterwards. He then joins Hullabalooza as part of the Traveling Freak Show. With guest stars like Cypress Hill, The Smashing Pumpkins, Sonic Youth and Peter Frampton, this episode had a lot of laughs and a lot of star power. Cynic's Funniest Moment: Again, there's a few in here, but Peter Frampton's reaction to the stage prop going off kills me every time. Tech: Uh oh, there goes Peter Frampton's big finale. He's gonna be pissed off... Frampton: You're damned right I'm gonna be pissed off! I bought that pig at Pink Floyd's yard sale!
#11 - S07xE20: Bart On The Road Whenever I hear Golden Earring's "Radar Love,"I immediately think of this episode. In order to start his Spring Break earlier, Principal Skinner has a "Take Your Kids To Work Day" to clear out the student body. Lisa goes to work with Homer & Bart ends up at the DMV with Patty and Selma where he makes a fake drivers license and rents a car. He, Milhouse, Nelson & Martin take a road trip to Knoxville where the car gets crushed under a Wigsphere and Bart calls Lisa for help. This one is a classic and I love the oddball pairing of the clashing personalities stuck in the car. The scenes of Lisa & Homer hanging out at his work are also quite humorous and it's nice to see Homer spending quality time with his daughter instead of completely neglecting her. Cynic's Funniest Moment: After Lisa explains to Homer what happened to Bart, they call the power plant closest to him so they can get him to deliver a new power terminal. The operative on the other end says that Springfield's terminal is running fine and there's no need to send a new one. Homer, without a second thought, grabs a can of soda and pours it all over his terminal, shorting it out and putting the entire plant, not to mention the city, at risk and the guy on the other end completely loses his shit.
Be sure to check back later for Part 2, where we look at entries 10-6!
Hey all, rather than let the Cynic have all the fun, here comes a brand new top 10 list for you. Before we start, I have a confession. I LOVE the 80's. I love the music, I love the hair, the clothes (in the rock/metal side of things lol), I love it all. I have no problem admitting that. So that being said, I have compiled a list of the most wonderfully, outrageously, deliciously 80's rock and metal videos. Now I know there are about a half a million other songs out there that could have or should have made this list, but I am going with songs/artists I know and personally am a fan of, so yeah it might be biased, but it's what I know. Also, I'm looking at videos, so that limits me right there. I'm not like those teeny-tween types that wears a Guns N' Roses or a Beatles shirt just cause it's cool but have no idea who the hell the band is. And trust me, this could have been a top 50 or 100 list, narrowing it down to 10 was not easy. But, without further ado, here it is:
10. Lovin' Every Minute of It- Loverboy, 1985 (Lovin' Every Minute of It)
Okay, I probably could have put "Working for the Weekend" on here, but that would be too easy :D. And to be honest, I really like this song. I've been listening to Loverboy for a long time, both on the radio and from the albums my mum had when I was growing up. Also they are the only Canadian band that is on this list (sorry to Triumph, Heart, BTO, Rush, and the other awesome Canadian acts I didn't get on here). The video is straightforward and fun, moving from a house party to eventually the band getting on stage, a video-story one can see in tons of other music videos. The cutting back and forth to the band on stage, the piano and candles, so many awesome 80's style bits while maintaining a video overall that could pass off as more recent, especially in the parts on the stage and the house party. Still, awesome stuff.
9. Close My Eyes Forever- Ozzy Osbourne and Lita Ford, 1988 (Lita)
Ah, what would the 80's be without the power ballad? And what would this list be without at least one? This song is a combined effort from two of metal's greats, Ozzy Osbourne and Lita Ford. It is also a great example of the power ballad, in both the song itself and the video. The side shots, the fading from one to the other, the guitar solo, the shadows and otherwise dark/muted colors, showing them in with the microphones as in the studio; all quintessential (see Def Leppard's Love Bites as another example). This video shows the idea of the power ballad video at it's finest, and is essentially a perfect example. You can't really say more than that.
8. Turbo Lover- Judas Priest, 1986 (Turbo)
Okay, it's no secret I'm a huge Judas Priest fan. Turbo Lover is also one of my favorite songs. In this video, we see the band in a more "stereotypical 80's" way than with any other album. While still in their usual style of all leather and studs, we see a more colorful Judas Priest, as well as the fringes, and even Rob Halford's hair (which except for this part of the 80's and the early 70's, is always short/shaved). This album was also more "mainstream", as it were, featuring the band's first use of guitar synthesizers. A great song from one of my favorite bands, but you can certainly tell what decade it's from based on the video alone.
7. Nobody's Fool- Cinderella, 1986 (Night Songs)
Now this is a great song. The first time I heard it, I was sold. The guitars, the vocals, awesome, and very different from what was popular at the time that I first heard it in the early 2000's (I generally dislike my generation's music, with only a few exceptions). Again, we have the band on stage/filming a video, with the side story of the "girlfriend" and the groupies. Watching it, everything just smacks of the 80's, right down to Tom Keifer's "darker version of Steven Tyler" look, which I think is cool. A darker glam, can't go wrong there.
6. Flesh For Fantasy- Billy Idol, 1983 (Rebel Yell)
I got into Billy Idol's music in a big way when I was sixteen. This was during my punk/goth/what-have-you days (proper punk, not that Avril Lavigne crap that was so popular at the time). I even saw the guy live in 2008 (the same year as Judas Priest and the same concert as Def Leppard lol). And really, does it get more 80's than this? The triangles (which show up in other vids from the time- see Def Leppard's Foolin'), the synthesizers, that kickass opening riff, and... could it be, the dancers are actually dancing instead of grinding and basically using each other for stripper poles? Well, I'll be damned! Real artistic dancing? Put a "ring" on that shit, Beyonce. :P I don't think I need to further elaborate on the awesome 80's-ness of Billy Idol.
5. Tie: Rock of Ages & Rocket- Def Leppard, 1983 & 1987 (Pyromania & Hysteria)
It might surprise you, considering they are at number five on the list, but Def Leppard is my absolute favorite band, and have been for a long time. I had a hard time deciding on what video to include here, since the band had several during the 80's that would fit this list well. I had to settle for a tie, Rock of Ages from the Pyromania album, and Rocket from the Hysteria album. It also shows a change in style from the early 80's to late 80's, which is a nice comparison. Rock of Ages contains the ever-present band-on stage set-up, contrasted withimages of hooded figures, a damsel in distress, vocalist Joe Elliott with a sword, and guitarist Phil Collen's bum. Rocket is a song that is nostalgic of the band's own influences and childhoods. The video is very 80's in a warehouse-type setting with TVs and equipment everywhere, showing images talked about in the song. Also notice the style changes from the two videos, in terms of both fashion and imagery. It's more noticeable if you watch all of the other videos from Pyromania (Foolin', Photograph -not the craptastic Nickelback song, Too Late for Love, Rock Rock Till You Drop) and Hysteria (Women, Animal, Love Bites, Pour SomeSugar On Me- there's two videos, Armageddon It, Hysteria- also with non-hyper-sexualized dancing) as well.
4. Holy Diver- Dio, 1983 (Holy Diver)
Does this need any introduction? Does it? This is fucking HOLY DIVER by DIO. This video is so hardcore awesomely metal and Viking and win. And yes, Killswitch Engage did a cover of this for the re-release, special edition of their album When Daylight Dies. I like the cover too, but you can't really ever beat the original, especially not when it comes to when of metal's greats. This was the first single from the band, and has become a classic (and well deserved). As a side note, Dio's guitarist on this album is none other than Vivian Campbell, who has been part of Def Leppard since the untimely passing of Steve Clark in 1991. Also featured in this video is the group's mascot, the demon Murray. This video is downright awesome. Raise your horns to the late, great Ronnie James Dio.
3. Here I Go Again- Whitesnake, 1987 (re-recorded single)
Think of iconic 80's rock video moments. Chances are, you'll think of this video, purely for the image of actress Tawny Kitaen dancing on the hood of lead singer David Coverdale's Jaguar XJ. It was even referenced in Bowling for Soup's 2004 song 1985 (which I think sucks, but whatever). In addition to the car dancing, the images of the band consist of the stage set-up prevalent in so many videos, with a very 80's vibe. This is also the third band on this list that has counted Vivian Campbell as a member, although he was not with Whitesnake for long (as with most of Whitesnake's members, it seems). However, he is seen in this video. The song itself was originally released in 1982, but was re-recorded and a new video made, which has become the more well-known version. Really, there isn't much else to say here, anyone who knows 80's rock videos should be familiar with Here I Go Again.
2. Bon Jovi's Videos from the Album Slippery When Wet- 1986
Love 'em or hate 'em, 1986 was huge year for Bon Jovi. Their album, Slippery When Wet, made them hugely famous and spawned three videos, as above. Now, regardless of how I am not a fan of Bon Jovi's sound post-Crush (hearing them on a local country station with Who Says You Can't Go Home was a very sad day indeed), I grew up on the Bon Jovi of the 80's, this album specifically. This is big, mainstream, anthemic, 80's hair rock/metal at it's finest. Even still, any person who knows Bon Jovi, apart from their newest stuff, knows these songs. They know the big hair, the wild outfits, and the words to these still very popular songs. Truly, few rock acts could claim to be so outrageously 80's (and outrageously popular) as Bon Jovi in 1986. So what band, you might ask, can top the sheer deliciously 80's-ness of those bands that come before?
The answer:
1. David Lee Roth era Van Halen, 1978-1985 (especially the album1984)
While putting together this list, I initially thought it was going to be really hard to order this list from ten to one. However, when I came to number one, I had to go with Van Halen, simply because I couldn't pick one single video (or album) to showcase the 80's-ness of Van Halen. This is the Van Halen I'm most familiar with. I know about three songs tops of Van Hagar, and it never really did it for me the same way. When I think of this band, I think of Eddie Van Halen's amazing guitar work, David Lee Roth's flamboyant antics and distinctive voice, and a look and style so distinctively 80's. I really don't need to explain it, the videos say it all. Now I chose three videos, all from the album 1984, mainly because they are some of the most popular Van Halen songs, and for some reason you can't find the video for Runnin' With the Devil on YouTube (boo). Roth-era Van Halen is truly in a class of it's own when it comes to delicious 80's goodness.
Well thanks for joining me here on this exploration on one of my favorite decades and it's music. Join me next time when I look at more delicious 80's fun, or something else equally awesome and nostalgic. Cheers all.
In 1998, director Roland Emmerich & producer Dean Devlin wanted to continue the success of reliving old film concepts that they had with Independence Day with their vision of the classic Japanese monster, Godzilla. The marketing for this film was brilliant with signs on buses and billboards talking about the size of various parts of his body (My personal favorite being "His spleen is the size of Mickey Rooney") and wicked teaser trailers (forgive the poor quality). May 20th rolls around and many hardcore Godzilla fans walked away disappointed, if not enraged. A lot of fans would consider Godzilla 98 "Ferris Beuhler's Day Off in Jurassic Park" but this movie is a guilty pleasure of mine. Is the acting bad? Yes. Does the military do an absolutely horrible job in trying to contain and kill the creature? Absolutely. Does Audrey the reporter come off as an annoying whiner and in some scenes warrants a punch in the face? Indeed, but I still like this movie. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that a movie about a giant mutated lizard running around in New York City while breeding asexually in Madison Square Garden should hardly be taken seriously. Despite being mostly panned in its theatrical run, this movie did what it was supposed to do in the end: have a theatrical run, make its budget back with a few bucks to spare and entertain some of the audience. I was a part of that some. This movie did also spawn an animated TV series that premiered on Fox Kids on September 12, 1998. Godzilla: The Series picked up where the final scene in the film left off with one of Godzilla's eggs hatching, only this time, Nick Tatopoulos (Matthew Broderick's character, voiced by Ian Zierring) is there when it does and the hatchling imprints on him as its mother. This series also carried over elements from some of the old Japanese movies where Godzilla this time was the hero as opposed to the villain, he breathes atomic fire and fights other mutations.
The new Godzilla throwing down against a pair of giant squids.
There were a lot of good episodes to this series and in the end, the animated series received more praise than the film it followed. Sure, some episodes were better than others but this was a good show. Most of the episodes followed the same structure: new mutant attacks, H.E.A.T. (Humanitarian Environmental Analysis Team) goes in to investigate, gets attacked by mutant, Godzilla shows up to protect Nick and either a) scares off new mutation or b) gets his ass kicked by new mutation and runs off, H.E.A.T. spouts off scientific jargon and then translates it into simple English, confront new mutation with new plan and with Godzilla's help, defeats it. There were a few exceptions to this formula, but it was pretty standard throughout the show's two season run but didn't hinder the series any. This was one of my favorite cartoon shows as a young boy and it pains me that the complete series has not been released on DVD yet. In the meantime, you can YouTube many of the episodes and there are three sample DVDs out there that feature three episodes each. Today, we are counting down The Cynic's Top 7 Godzilla: The Series Episodes! NOTE: It has been a long time since I've seen the series so I apologize profusely if I fuck anything up here.
Honorable Mention: S1xE11 - Deadloch
Godzilla with an infant Loch Ness Monster
As a kid, I loved cryptozoology, the study of hidden animals. Of all of the cryptids out there, The Loch Ness Monster, or Nessie, is arguably the most popular, other than perhaps Bigfoot. The first sightingbeing reported back in the 7th century. The first photograph however was not taken until 1933. Since then, hundreds of sightings have been reported and photographed. The most common theory (other than "It's all a hoax") is Nessie is a Plesiosaur, an aquatic reptile from the Mesozoic era that believed to have died out 65 million years ago with the dinosaurs, yet somehow managed to survive until current times. In GTS, Nessie is actually a Mosasaur, a creature that also lived during the Mesozoic era but looked more like a crocodile with flippers instead of the usual Nessie archetype. In GTS, it looked more like a giant snake with tiny flippers. It attacks a research facility on the shores of the loch and H.E.A.T. goes in to investigate. While Godzilla is chasing Nessie around the loch, it turns out that the head scientist kidnapped Nessie's offspring to sell on the black market, but Nessie and Godzilla actually work together to free her child. As both a cryptid & Godzilla fan, this episode tickled me pink.
#7: S2xE17 - Vision
How'd you like this one coming to your feeder?
This one was a pretty cool episode because the villain was a pack of mutated hummingbirds. When you first hear it, it sounds absolutely ludicrous, but then again, look at the title character of the series. It turns out the hummingbirds have fed on plants that have been contaminated by a local nuclear facility and caused them to grow to enormous size, developing a taste for aircraft fuel. This is a very enjoyable episode because not only do you get some great action scenes with Godzilla facing off against these blurs in the air but there's an interesting side plot where Randy Hernandes (a new character for the series, voiced by Rino Romano) hacks into Dr. Mendel Craven's (Malcolm Danare reprising his role from the film) email account and sees an email that makes Randy believe that Craven is dying. Since they usually pick on each other a lot, it's kind of nice to see how well they work together as a team without the bantering and they create a giant set of goggles to help Godzilla see the birds clearly so he knows where to strike.
#6: S1xE7 - What Dreams May Come
Anger Management exists for a reason, people!
This was a bizarre episode. A creature with an electricity based anatomy begins attacking random places and disappears just as quickly. The attacks appear to be random until it turns out that they are connected to a man named Sydney Walker, who is currently comatose in a sleep experiment, but somehow the electric currents running through his brain combine with his suppressed rage create this creature that Mendel dubs "The Crackler," and it begins tearing up New York. Godzilla tries breathing his radioactive breath on it to destroy it, but the power in his flames makes The Crackler stronger. Randy and Elsie Chapman (another character from the film, voiced by Charity James) confront Walker in his room and make him snap and unleash his anger, weakening The Crackler enough for Godzilla to overload its system with his radioactive fire.
#5: S1xE19 - An Early Frost
Godzilla facing off against a genetically engineered clone dubbed The Chameleon.
It just seems like New York can't catch a break. One year after the first Godzilla threw havoc at New York City, a new one appears and repeats the rampage. A DNA scan is done on a flesh sample found at the scene and it matches 95% with Godzilla's. Nick isn't fully convinced that their Godzilla is responsible for it and it turns out, he's right. The creature framing Godzilla is The Chameleon, a clone engineered by Cameron Winter, Nick's old college rival who tried to have Godzilla killed in the earlier episode, The Winter Of Our Discontent. This episode also brought back Agent Phillippe Roache from the film, this time voiced by Keith Szarabajka, as he tells Series exclusive character Monique Dupre (voiced by Brigitte Bako) that he believes Nick's experiment has run its course and has her subordinate, she is obligated to take him to Godzilla's lair to kill the creature. The Chameleon proves to be near indestructible by the military's weapons and almost kills Godzilla, but Phillippe realizes that Godzilla was not responsible for the rampage and shoots a weapon at the Chameleon that dissolves its DNA into powder.
#4: S1xE12 to S1xE14- The Monster Wars
MECHA-GODZILLA, BITCH!
This three-part story is GTS' answer to the classic Toho film, Destroy All Monsters. This film continues the story from an earlier episode called Leviathan where an alien ship is discovered and the inhabitants have sinister plans for the Earth. In this episode, the alien technology is salvaged from the bottom of the ocean and the two surviving doctors from the Leviathan episode are possessed by the alien spirits and are using their technology to gain control of the Earth's monsters. They do manage to take control of creatures from previous episodes as well as a giant bat captured from Nigeria. To boot, the aliens have turned the first Godzilla from the film into the cyborg pictured above. That's right, folks. Mecha-Godzilla, one of the best of the classic Toho villains, was in the series. And much like in the film this three-parter was based on, the aliens take control of the current Godzilla and they deploy the monsters all over the world to deplete the military's munitions so that when the alien forces arrive, Earth's overtaking will be so much simpler. The H.E.A.T. team watch the world get decimated but manage to get the alien technology offline, which makes the monsters territorial and attack the alien forces. The episode ends with Godzilla facing off against Mecha-Godzilla and then the aliens are driven back and their island headquarters is turned into Monster Island, a scientific facility that studies Earth's mutations.
#3: S1xe15 - Competition
This may just be fan art, but the King Cobra looked exactly like this.
Okay, I KNOW that someone fucked up with the episode guide on this one, because I remember very clearly that this episode premiered LONG before the Monster Wars trilogy aired. Anyway, this episode took Godzilla back to his roots and is actually referred to by his true name, Gojira. Hikers are disappearing on Mt. Fuji and H.E.A.T. is sent in to investigate. While hunting for clues, they are attacked by a Giant Yeti that Godzilla then combats. Godzilla melts the creature's skin and it turns out to be a Robot. The robot is being controlled by a Japanese monster hunting team that believes Godzilla (or Gojira, whichever name you prefer) is responsible for the missing hikers, but then they are ambushed by the mutant King Cobra. The hikers are found (very few people actually die in this series) to be okay and the episode ends with Godzilla and the Robo-Yeti fighting in the heart of downtown Tokyo. This was an episode that made any old-school Godzilla fan grin. This was what it was all about...
#2: S1xE10 - Bird Of Paradise
Godzilla vs Quetzalcoatl: Science vs Mythology. HOLY SHIT, THIS IS AWESOME!
When an ornithologist named Lawerence Cohen is exploring an old Aztec pyramid, he triggers some mechanism that opens up and unleashes a giant flying reptile upon the skies of Mexico. Villages are being attacked but nobody is being hurt or taken by the creature, so H.E.A.T. is called by Lawerence and Elsie is a little hesitant to work with him because they used to be engaged but he became obsessed with his work. Lawerence believes that the creature flying around is in fact the winged serpent of Aztec mythology, Quetzalcoatl. In an attempt to catch the creature, they ambush it with tranquilizer guns but it's no use. The creature then attacks another village and when Elsie is taken by the creature, Lawerence realizes that Q has been taking material to build a nest and that Elsie will be the hatchling's first meal. The H.E.A.T. team go to the volcano where Q is nesting and it attacks the group, only to be intercepted by Godzilla. Godzilla knocks Q and her offspring into the volcano and uses his breath to seal the rim after Lawerence rescues Elsie. I really liked this episode because Q reminds me a lot of the old Toho monster Rodan and I mean, Godzilla is fighting a GOD! Where can you go wrong?!
And #1: S2xE1 - Future Shock
This is the end of everything you know and love.
This episode is one that I hold in a very high regard because A) I didn't get around to getting this episode on tape because the syndication fucked me over and B) Holy crap, this episode is dark. This is GTS' answer to the Terminator series. While chasing Godzilla who's chasing a mutation, Nick, Randy, Elsie & Monique get caught up in a terrible electrical storm that somehow transports them 23 years into the future (Craven stayed behind in the office because he was too sick to join them). When they return to H.E.A.T. headquarters, everything inside as well as the entire city has been decimated and destroyed. While exploring, they get attacked by the creature you see above, only to be saved by a 12 year old child who leads them to safety through the sewer system. It turns out that in 2002, a scientist bred the perfect killing machine to bring humanity away from the age of technology in an effort to save the Earth, but naturally, as with most evil geniuses, his plan totally backfired and he got eaten for his troubles. So did the vast majority of the human population. The D.R.A.G.M.A., an acronym for Democratic Resurgence Against Global Mechanized Armageddon, have super regenerative abilities with nearly impenetrable skin, they're highly adaptable and took over the world with ease. Where's Godzilla? Dead. D.R.A.G.M.A. food. Any surviving mutation on Monster Island after the Monster Wars Trilogy? Same. Characters from the film are mentioned but are done so in the past tense, so they're dead. H.E.A.T. reunites with Mendel Craven, who has a scar running down the right side of his face and has turned his fat into muscle. After trying to plan what to do while fighting off D.R.A.G.M.A., the rest of the H.E.A.T. team manage to escape back to the present and they stop the scientist from making the D.R.A.G.M.A.s too strong with Godzilla's aid. This episode was pretty screwed up but at the same time was so intriguing to see an episode with a threat that showed that there was actually a threat that Godzilla COULDN'T overcome. It's a very chilling episode and can be watched on YouTube. I suggest that you do so. Right now.
Why hasn't this series been put onto DVD in full seasons yet? Someone at Sony & Columbia/Tristar needs to get off their asses and make this happen. Seriously. This is The Cynic signing off.
