Ah, The Simpsons. The mere mention of the name brings back all kinds of memorable television moments: Homer finding out he has twenty four hours to live, Krusty The Klown faking his death, Lisa's look into the future where the man of her dreams turns around on her, Bart becoming a Hall Monitor, Maggie being adopted by bears, the list goes on. I used to be an avid Simpsons viewer as a kid but I had stopped watching because a lot of the newer episodes felt lacking to me. The ONE time I decide to try and catch a new episode of the show, they use Kesha's "Tik Tok" as the theme song. It's no secret that I FUCKING HATE KESHA, so this really pissed me off. The Simpsons, a show that has to have some kind of talent to warrant an over twenty season run, and Kesha, a talentless bitch who is the Jabberwock of music (the bad musician that all other bad musicians fear), should not be in the same sentence, much less the same animation. Now that I've had ample time to cool off about it, I decided to think back and remember my fondest moments of a show that, as harsh as this may sound, is dead to me. Here is Coffee With The Cynic's Top 15 Favorite Simpsons Episodes! Why 15? Because there was NO WAY in Hell I was going to be able to narrow it down to seven. 15 was hard enough, and I could write an essay on the honorable mentions alone.
#15 - S05xE04: Rosebud
This is the episode where Mr. Burns has dreams about his old teddy bear, Bobo. As it turns out, through an elaborate turn of events, Bobo has wound up in Springfield and is in the possession of Maggie Simpson. Upon discovering this, Burns & Smithers do everything short of using heavy artillery to get the bear back. When Burns admits defeat and tells Maggie to take care of Bobo for him, Maggie has a change of heart and lets C.M. Burns have his old bear back. This episode had a lot of heart but wasn't sappy all the way through. In fact, the buildup to the sap was quite funny.
Cynic's Funniest Moment: Burns & Smithers are stuck to the ceiling of The Simpson's kitchen as Homer has a midnight snack of 64 slices of American Cheese. The conversation that follows the next morning is priceless.
Marge: Have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer: Aye thingk Ahm bleyend...
#14 - S09xE14: Das Bus
In a parody of "Lord Of The Flies," Bart, Milhouse, Lisa (why do the fourth and second grades always go on field trips together?) and their classmates end up stranded on an island where they have to use their wits to survive. Things only worsen when when Milhouse is accused of eating all of the food and his warnings of a monster go unheard. Unlike the original LOTF, Bart isn't the only survivor of his group when the kids break up into two tribes and he isn't chased onto the beach where Bob Peck (Jurassic Park's Robert Muldoon) in military fatigues rescues them.
Cynic's Funniest Moment: Probably a tie between Otto's would-be last words to the kids ("Zeppelin rules!") and James Earl Jone's end narration, where the story just picks an ending out the sky ("And the children were eventually rescued by, oh...let's say, Moe.")
#13 - S06xE23: The Springfield Connection
Marge chases Snake into an alley after he cheats Homer at a game of 3 Card Monty, but he pulls a knife on her. In a surge of adrenaline, she knocks him out with one shot using a trash can lid. Amazed by the thrill of stopping a criminal, Marge enlists in the police force, which makes Homer insecure about his masculinity. When I first saw this episode as a child, I honestly thought this was how police boot camp policies worked ("I told you, you don't get your gun until you tell me your name!").
Cynic's Funniest Moment: Again, another tie, between Homer being arrested by Marge in the parking lot (depicted above)...
Homer: Ooo, Marge, not here...wait, you're not really arresting me, are you?
Marge: You have the right to remain silent.
Homer: I choose to waive that right. *yells incoherently*
...and Homer's discovery of the counterfeit jeans operation in his garage (or "car hold," according to Moe).
Herman: *Pulls gun* Not so fast!
Homer: Okay *slows pace towards door*
Herman: Maybe you should just stop entirely.
#12 - S07xE24: Homerpalooza
Homer Simpson has a fucking awesome taste in music and anyone who says otherwise is a blithering idiot. This episode made me a fan of Mountain's "Mississippi Queen" and Bart should've been pimpslapped out the window for trashing Homer's music. Now that I've gotten that off my chest, Homer wants to feel more accepted by his kids so he takes them to Hullabalooza, a tour parody of Lullapalooza, and immediately gets accused of being a narc and is thrown out of the crowd. In a fit of anger, he accidentally sets off a stage prop and gets shot in the stomach, but feels fine afterwards. He then joins Hullabalooza as part of the Traveling Freak Show. With guest stars like Cypress Hill, The Smashing Pumpkins, Sonic Youth and Peter Frampton, this episode had a lot of laughs and a lot of star power.
Cynic's Funniest Moment: Again, there's a few in here, but Peter Frampton's reaction to the stage prop going off kills me every time.
Tech: Uh oh, there goes Peter Frampton's big finale. He's gonna be pissed off...
Frampton: You're damned right I'm gonna be pissed off! I bought that pig at Pink Floyd's yard sale!
#11 - S07xE20: Bart On The Road
Whenever I hear Golden Earring's "Radar Love," I immediately think of this episode. In order to start his Spring Break earlier, Principal Skinner has a "Take Your Kids To Work Day" to clear out the student body. Lisa goes to work with Homer & Bart ends up at the DMV with Patty and Selma where he makes a fake drivers license and rents a car. He, Milhouse, Nelson & Martin take a road trip to Knoxville where the car gets crushed under a Wigsphere and Bart calls Lisa for help. This one is a classic and I love the oddball pairing of the clashing personalities stuck in the car. The scenes of Lisa & Homer hanging out at his work are also quite humorous and it's nice to see Homer spending quality time with his daughter instead of completely neglecting her.
Cynic's Funniest Moment: After Lisa explains to Homer what happened to Bart, they call the power plant closest to him so they can get him to deliver a new power terminal. The operative on the other end says that Springfield's terminal is running fine and there's no need to send a new one. Homer, without a second thought, grabs a can of soda and pours it all over his terminal, shorting it out and putting the entire plant, not to mention the city, at risk and the guy on the other end completely loses his shit.
Be sure to check back later for Part 2, where we look at entries 10-6!
-The Cynic
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