Tuesday, March 20, 2012

So What Gives?

I wish that this was a new feature that I'd be introducing where I'd be looking at something really confusing or that a lot of people hate but I love and say, "What gives?" But no. That's not why we're here. Warning: anyone who seems weary of long blogs might as well close this tab now because this one's gonna be lengthy.

If you are reading this, chances are you are somewhat a fan of my work or actually give a damn what I think. I thank you sincerely and you've probably been wondering why it's been a month and a half since a new blog or why it's been a month since any original content has made its way onto the YouTube channel and have been thinking, "So what gives?"

The fact of the matter is that, once again, life has intervened and has dealt me a hand that significantly cuts into my hobby time, which is what Coffee With The Cynic is and has been for the last two years. Rather than bore you with all the details and have anyone misinterpret it as one giant sob story, I'll keep it straight to the point: Due to our current work setup (and a couple of illnesses), I have had little to no time to actually try and get any filming or editing done. In fact, it has gotten to a point where at this rate, I would have to take time off of work just to catch up, which is out of the question. Which leads me to the following statement:

Due to these circumstances, I hereby announce that until I can find a better schedule/job, Coffee With The Cynic is, for all intents and purposes, finished.

Is that to say that I'll never do another review again? Well, never say never, or so the old saying goes. I honestly am in a position where I feel that it's best for me to step away from the internet reviewer thing and leave it for the professionals until I can work it back into my schedule.

I had a bunch of scripts completed that will now not be filmed, so what I will do, just so that the last new thing I leave for you guys isn't my Skyrim video (which I've caught a lot of flak over and really, it's no one's fault but my own and even I'll admit it's not my best work), is give you guys and gals short versions of them. Here we go!

Top 10 Worst Things I've Reviewed on CWTC
10 - Avatar: Wasn't worth the hype, a mere "ok" on first viewing with a 32" tube TV and DVD but loathed it on the second viewing on a 42" plasma on Blu-Ray...which somehow looked WORSE than the DVD.
09 - Zombieland: Criminally disappointing, dumb character motives, very unfunny and you know you're doing something wrong when a Bill Fucking Murray cameo can't save your movie.
08 - Scott Pilgrim vs The World: I take back what I said about The Last Airbender...THIS MOVIE was fucking retarded. It's Michael Cera being Michael Cera and the Street Fighter-esque fights just come out of nowhere and ruin everything.
07 - Twilight: Movie, if you're going to have this sort of a concept, try to have fun with it. I've explained how Twilight could be saved before (one book, Bella dumps Edward either because he's a douche and Bella knows she can do better or because he turned her and now she sees him as an intolerable prick and is stuck with being a vampire) and firmly stand behind it.
06 - St. Anger: Not only the worst Metallica album, but the worst metal album I've ever heard. If you ever want to hear Metallica venture into the nu-metal genre, give this one a listen and immediately regret your decision.
05 - Napoleon Dynamite: I still have no idea what this movie was trying to do and the fact that there's now an animated series makes me weep.
04 - Bullet Witch: Why is a concept so cool (and quite possibly arousing) so dull?
03 - Sucker Punch: I've never been so angry after watching a film, and I'll leave it at that.
02 - Jurassic Park: Redemption: Misunderstanding the source material worse than Jurassic Park III is a whole new level of fail. Reads like something you'd see on Syfy Channel.
01 - The Love Guru: How can this one NOT take the #1 spot? I rubbed A535 on my genitals and tried to asphyxiate myself because it was a better time than this film.

Top 10 Best Things I've Reviewed
10 - Nightmare On Elm Street: At the bottom of the best list because I do have some problems with it, but this was also the serious refresh that Freddy Krueger needed. Also I like to think that this remake had a hand in getting Freddy to be a downloadable character in Mortal Kombat...WHICH IS AWESOME!
09 - The Simpsons Movie: Showed some pretty heavy stuff with Homer & Marge's marriage that I didn't think the writers had in them anymore. Better than the episodes that are on TV nowadays.
08 - Guitar Hero: Warriors Of Rock: Best in-game track list to date, the presence of an actual story, all previous DLC works here, star challenges (and therefore, replay value) for every song. The best in the series and the send off that Guitar Hero needed.
07 - X-Men Origins: Wolverine (Uncaged Edition): A movie licensed game that is not only a good game, but better than the film its licensed from? How can it not be on this list?
06 - Iron Man 2: Sure, it's not as good as the original, but it touches base on the "Demon In The Bottle" storyline, the last half an hour kept my eyes glued to the screen and you have Scarlett Johannson destroying a hallway full of H.A.M.M.R. agents, which is the most arousing action scene ever. Interested to see how they incorporate the last few minutes into The Avengers.
05 - Killer Condom: Probably the biggest surprise on this list. I would honestly recommend this movie to anyone for the laughs and the dramatic change of tone in the last few minutes. A truly fantastic film.
04 - Toy Story 3: This one only ranks higher than Killer Condom because I love the originals and have a nostalgic attachment to the series. This may not be the best of the series, but if a movie about a cowboy doll and a spaceman action figure can generate such powerful scenes and emotions, it must be doing something right.
03 - Predators: Did what Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem could not: be a sequel, an homage and a good movie all in one clean sweep. Loved this movie and am hoping for another one down the road.
02 - X:Men First Class: Michael fucking Fassbender. Also, it's interesting to see Xavier as a swinging youngster and not the calm wise man as seen in the other films.
01 - Inception: Not trying to jump on the Christopher Nolan bandwagon with this one, but this was the only film during CWTC that I watched and thought to myself, "Y'know? I wish I had seen that in theatres."

Manliest Movie: Expendables vs Predator
Predator has the better lead character, but Expendables had a better team and female lead. That being said, Predator had the better villain and was overall the better movie.

Top 5 Reasons Why Godzilla (1998) Sucks
05 - The Soundtrack: David Arnold's score is forgettable and the two main songs used to promote the movie was a boring David Bowie cover and a song where Puff Daddy rapped over Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir." Fail.
04 - Worst. Military. Ever: You know you suck at your job when even my own grandmother says, "So there's how many of them against a creature that large and not ONE of these assholes can land a clean shot?"
03 - The Writing/Acting: The movie jumps all over the place, tries to have Matthew Broderick as an action hero (dude, Matthew Broderick), and has such winning lines as, "An island, water on all sides." Stupidest scientists ever.
02 - The Baby Godzillas: Movie goes from Godzilla to Ferris Beuhler's Day Off In Jurassic Park (as Twisted Kaiju Theatre described it) with these things. Makes the movie slow to a crawl where it's not even enjoyably bad. Here the movie shot itself in the foot while jumping the shark that actually causes itself so much pain that it travels back in time to watch itself jump the shark.
01 - The Runtime: For a movie that's only two hours long, why does it feel longer than Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King?

Jurassic Park: The Game
I actually rewrote this script because the first draft I was far too kind to it. The game has a decent story, graphics are alright (some are better than others), but some parts of the game venture into monster movie territory (which is NOT what Jurassic Park is) and the gameplay is incredibly limited. Overall, the game is okay and this would've been the last JP related entry I would have done unless something truly great came out of the series. There's nothing worse than watching the favorite part of your childhood dissolve into mediocrity (if not downright crap) over the years.

Top 7 Songs That Should Be Covered By Hard Rock/Metal Bands
Probably the strangest list I've ever come up with, and these could turn out absolutely disastrous, but we wouldn't know if they didn't try, right?
Honorable Mention - "Spice Up Your Life" originally by The Spice Girls, covered by System Of A Down: This was an idea that my bandmates and I had when I used to play bass and let's not kid ourselves, who else would be goofy enough to cover a Spice Girls song other than System?
07 - "Tears Of Pearls" originally by Savage Garden, covered by Slash ft. Darren Hayes: This would be on the bottom of the list because it's kind of a cheat, seeing as how Darren Hayes sung the original. However, I think it has the right tempo and setup that could work as a rock song. The way I see it, if Slash can make a song with Fergie work as well as it does, he can pull this off.
06 - "The Chain" originally by Fleetwood Mac, covered by Lacuna Coil: Originally this entry was going to be Boney M's "Rasputin," but "The Chain" is the far superior song. Sure, Rumors, the album that "The Chain" comes from, has been hailed as one of the ultimate break up albums, so one of the things that make it work is the fact that vocalists Lindsay Buckingham and Stevie Knicks had just ended their relationship prior to the writing of the album. From what I know, Lacuna Coil vocalists Cristina Scabbia and Andrea Ferro have never dated, but they have a strong musical chemistry that they could make this song work.
05 - "More (Remix)" originally by Usher, covered by Disturbed: I know, weird right? The remix of "More" is one of the pop songs that I actually have a great deal of tolerance for and could work well if you switch out the instrumentals made on a keyboard with guitars and bass. So why Disturbed? I dunno, to be honest. Maybe it's the lyrics "I'm a beast, I'm an animal" from "More" (and the tone Usher says them) that reminds me of Disturbed's song "The Animal" that makes me vote Disturbed for this one.
04 - "Dance In The Dark" originally by Lady Gaga, covered by In This Moment: If In This Moment can cover a Blondie song as well as they do, they could definitely make this one work. When I first heard "Dance," I knew that it had rock potential. In the mean time, enjoy this remix.
03 - "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)" Originally by Journey, covered by Iron Maiden: Come on, Iron Maiden covering Journey. Am I the only one who thinks this is a fucking awesome idea? The crunchiest Journey song I've heard, I voted Iron Maiden for this one because of all of the vocalists I could think of, I think Bruce Dickinson could do Steve Perry's style justice.
02 - "Drama Queen" originally by Suzie McNeil, covered by Halestorm: For all intents and purposes, I should hate this song because I don't usually approve of songs where the vocalists gloat about how much of a bitch they are. Suzie McNeil's "Drama Queen" is the only exception for reasons I don't fully understand. As far as a potential cover goes, I voted Halestorm because Lizzy Hale seems to have that whole "I'm-sexy-and-I-know-it" attitude (only not as annoying as LMFAO's) with songs like "I Get Off" and "Love Bites (And So Do I)", so they seem like they could do really well with this one. Besides, it's not like they haven't covered pop songs before.
01 - "The Thunder Rolls" originally by Garth Brooks, covered by Machine Head: A thrash metal band covering a country song? Before you star questioning what I'm under the influence of, hear me out. "The Thunder Rolls" is one of those songs that really takes me back and probably the only country song that I could genuinely say that I'm a fan of, despite the fact that I'm no longer a country fan. Had this list been made in 1998, I would've voted for Metallica using their cover of "Turn The Page" as a template. However, I vote Machine Head because I've been really impressed with their work as of lately and listen to their cover of Iron Maiden's "Hallowed Be Thy Name" as a template. Rob Flynn's soft singing style could really do numbers for "The Thunder Rolls" and while he usually has a very growly vocal style (ex. "Aesthetics Of Hate"), a couple growls here and there wouldn't hurt "Thunder Rolls" (I'm thinking the word "Strikes" in the chorus). Throw in a solo and Bob's your uncle. This would be one of the softer songs in Machine Head's library, but damn I think this would be cool.

So that's the last of it. For anyone who's been watching/reading my stuff from the start, I can't thank you enough for your support and feedback, whether that be good, bad or indifferent over the last two years. Cheerio!

-The Cynic