So What Gives?

I wish that this was a new feature that I'd be introducing where I'd be looking at something really confusing or that a lot of people hate but I love and say, "What gives?" But no. That's not why we're here. Warning: anyone who seems weary of long blogs might as well close this tab now because this one's gonna be lengthy.

If you are reading this, chances are you are somewhat a fan of my work or actually give a damn what I think. I thank you sincerely and you've probably been wondering why it's been a month and a half since a new blog or why it's been a month since any original content has made its way onto the YouTube channel and have been thinking, "So what gives?"

The fact of the matter is that, once again, life has intervened and has dealt me a hand that significantly cuts into my hobby time, which is what Coffee With The Cynic is and has been for the last two years. Rather than bore you with all the details and have anyone misinterpret it as one giant sob story, I'll keep it straight to the point: Due to our current work setup (and a couple of illnesses), I have had little to no time to actually try and get any filming or editing done. In fact, it has gotten to a point where at this rate, I would have to take time off of work just to catch up, which is out of the question. Which leads me to the following statement:

Due to these circumstances, I hereby announce that until I can find a better schedule/job, Coffee With The Cynic is, for all intents and purposes, finished.

Is that to say that I'll never do another review again? Well, never say never, or so the old saying goes. I honestly am in a position where I feel that it's best for me to step away from the internet reviewer thing and leave it for the professionals until I can work it back into my schedule.

I had a bunch of scripts completed that will now not be filmed, so what I will do, just so that the last new thing I leave for you guys isn't my Skyrim video (which I've caught a lot of flak over and really, it's no one's fault but my own and even I'll admit it's not my best work), is give you guys and gals short versions of them. Here we go!

Top 10 Worst Things I've Reviewed on CWTC
10 - Avatar: Wasn't worth the hype, a mere "ok" on first viewing with a 32" tube TV and DVD but loathed it on the second viewing on a 42" plasma on Blu-Ray...which somehow looked WORSE than the DVD.
09 - Zombieland: Criminally disappointing, dumb character motives, very unfunny and you know you're doing something wrong when a Bill Fucking Murray cameo can't save your movie.
08 - Scott Pilgrim vs The World: I take back what I said about The Last Airbender...THIS MOVIE was fucking retarded. It's Michael Cera being Michael Cera and the Street Fighter-esque fights just come out of nowhere and ruin everything.
07 - Twilight: Movie, if you're going to have this sort of a concept, try to have fun with it. I've explained how Twilight could be saved before (one book, Bella dumps Edward either because he's a douche and Bella knows she can do better or because he turned her and now she sees him as an intolerable prick and is stuck with being a vampire) and firmly stand behind it.
06 - St. Anger: Not only the worst Metallica album, but the worst metal album I've ever heard. If you ever want to hear Metallica venture into the nu-metal genre, give this one a listen and immediately regret your decision.
05 - Napoleon Dynamite: I still have no idea what this movie was trying to do and the fact that there's now an animated series makes me weep.
04 - Bullet Witch: Why is a concept so cool (and quite possibly arousing) so dull?
03 - Sucker Punch: I've never been so angry after watching a film, and I'll leave it at that.
02 - Jurassic Park: Redemption: Misunderstanding the source material worse than Jurassic Park III is a whole new level of fail. Reads like something you'd see on Syfy Channel.
01 - The Love Guru: How can this one NOT take the #1 spot? I rubbed A535 on my genitals and tried to asphyxiate myself because it was a better time than this film.

Top 10 Best Things I've Reviewed
10 - Nightmare On Elm Street: At the bottom of the best list because I do have some problems with it, but this was also the serious refresh that Freddy Krueger needed. Also I like to think that this remake had a hand in getting Freddy to be a downloadable character in Mortal Kombat...WHICH IS AWESOME!
09 - The Simpsons Movie: Showed some pretty heavy stuff with Homer & Marge's marriage that I didn't think the writers had in them anymore. Better than the episodes that are on TV nowadays.
08 - Guitar Hero: Warriors Of Rock: Best in-game track list to date, the presence of an actual story, all previous DLC works here, star challenges (and therefore, replay value) for every song. The best in the series and the send off that Guitar Hero needed.
07 - X-Men Origins: Wolverine (Uncaged Edition): A movie licensed game that is not only a good game, but better than the film its licensed from? How can it not be on this list?
06 - Iron Man 2: Sure, it's not as good as the original, but it touches base on the "Demon In The Bottle" storyline, the last half an hour kept my eyes glued to the screen and you have Scarlett Johannson destroying a hallway full of H.A.M.M.R. agents, which is the most arousing action scene ever. Interested to see how they incorporate the last few minutes into The Avengers.
05 - Killer Condom: Probably the biggest surprise on this list. I would honestly recommend this movie to anyone for the laughs and the dramatic change of tone in the last few minutes. A truly fantastic film.
04 - Toy Story 3: This one only ranks higher than Killer Condom because I love the originals and have a nostalgic attachment to the series. This may not be the best of the series, but if a movie about a cowboy doll and a spaceman action figure can generate such powerful scenes and emotions, it must be doing something right.
03 - Predators: Did what Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem could not: be a sequel, an homage and a good movie all in one clean sweep. Loved this movie and am hoping for another one down the road.
02 - X:Men First Class: Michael fucking Fassbender. Also, it's interesting to see Xavier as a swinging youngster and not the calm wise man as seen in the other films.
01 - Inception: Not trying to jump on the Christopher Nolan bandwagon with this one, but this was the only film during CWTC that I watched and thought to myself, "Y'know? I wish I had seen that in theatres."

Manliest Movie: Expendables vs Predator
Predator has the better lead character, but Expendables had a better team and female lead. That being said, Predator had the better villain and was overall the better movie.

Top 5 Reasons Why Godzilla (1998) Sucks
05 - The Soundtrack: David Arnold's score is forgettable and the two main songs used to promote the movie was a boring David Bowie cover and a song where Puff Daddy rapped over Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir." Fail.
04 - Worst. Military. Ever: You know you suck at your job when even my own grandmother says, "So there's how many of them against a creature that large and not ONE of these assholes can land a clean shot?"
03 - The Writing/Acting: The movie jumps all over the place, tries to have Matthew Broderick as an action hero (dude, Matthew Broderick), and has such winning lines as, "An island, water on all sides." Stupidest scientists ever.
02 - The Baby Godzillas: Movie goes from Godzilla to Ferris Beuhler's Day Off In Jurassic Park (as Twisted Kaiju Theatre described it) with these things. Makes the movie slow to a crawl where it's not even enjoyably bad. Here the movie shot itself in the foot while jumping the shark that actually causes itself so much pain that it travels back in time to watch itself jump the shark.
01 - The Runtime: For a movie that's only two hours long, why does it feel longer than Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King?

Jurassic Park: The Game
I actually rewrote this script because the first draft I was far too kind to it. The game has a decent story, graphics are alright (some are better than others), but some parts of the game venture into monster movie territory (which is NOT what Jurassic Park is) and the gameplay is incredibly limited. Overall, the game is okay and this would've been the last JP related entry I would have done unless something truly great came out of the series. There's nothing worse than watching the favorite part of your childhood dissolve into mediocrity (if not downright crap) over the years.

Top 7 Songs That Should Be Covered By Hard Rock/Metal Bands
Probably the strangest list I've ever come up with, and these could turn out absolutely disastrous, but we wouldn't know if they didn't try, right?
Honorable Mention - "Spice Up Your Life" originally by The Spice Girls, covered by System Of A Down: This was an idea that my bandmates and I had when I used to play bass and let's not kid ourselves, who else would be goofy enough to cover a Spice Girls song other than System?
07 - "Tears Of Pearls" originally by Savage Garden, covered by Slash ft. Darren Hayes: This would be on the bottom of the list because it's kind of a cheat, seeing as how Darren Hayes sung the original. However, I think it has the right tempo and setup that could work as a rock song. The way I see it, if Slash can make a song with Fergie work as well as it does, he can pull this off.
06 - "The Chain" originally by Fleetwood Mac, covered by Lacuna Coil: Originally this entry was going to be Boney M's "Rasputin," but "The Chain" is the far superior song. Sure, Rumors, the album that "The Chain" comes from, has been hailed as one of the ultimate break up albums, so one of the things that make it work is the fact that vocalists Lindsay Buckingham and Stevie Knicks had just ended their relationship prior to the writing of the album. From what I know, Lacuna Coil vocalists Cristina Scabbia and Andrea Ferro have never dated, but they have a strong musical chemistry that they could make this song work.
05 - "More (Remix)" originally by Usher, covered by Disturbed: I know, weird right? The remix of "More" is one of the pop songs that I actually have a great deal of tolerance for and could work well if you switch out the instrumentals made on a keyboard with guitars and bass. So why Disturbed? I dunno, to be honest. Maybe it's the lyrics "I'm a beast, I'm an animal" from "More" (and the tone Usher says them) that reminds me of Disturbed's song "The Animal" that makes me vote Disturbed for this one.
04 - "Dance In The Dark" originally by Lady Gaga, covered by In This Moment: If In This Moment can cover a Blondie song as well as they do, they could definitely make this one work. When I first heard "Dance," I knew that it had rock potential. In the mean time, enjoy this remix.
03 - "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)" Originally by Journey, covered by Iron Maiden: Come on, Iron Maiden covering Journey. Am I the only one who thinks this is a fucking awesome idea? The crunchiest Journey song I've heard, I voted Iron Maiden for this one because of all of the vocalists I could think of, I think Bruce Dickinson could do Steve Perry's style justice.
02 - "Drama Queen" originally by Suzie McNeil, covered by Halestorm: For all intents and purposes, I should hate this song because I don't usually approve of songs where the vocalists gloat about how much of a bitch they are. Suzie McNeil's "Drama Queen" is the only exception for reasons I don't fully understand. As far as a potential cover goes, I voted Halestorm because Lizzy Hale seems to have that whole "I'm-sexy-and-I-know-it" attitude (only not as annoying as LMFAO's) with songs like "I Get Off" and "Love Bites (And So Do I)", so they seem like they could do really well with this one. Besides, it's not like they haven't covered pop songs before.
01 - "The Thunder Rolls" originally by Garth Brooks, covered by Machine Head: A thrash metal band covering a country song? Before you star questioning what I'm under the influence of, hear me out. "The Thunder Rolls" is one of those songs that really takes me back and probably the only country song that I could genuinely say that I'm a fan of, despite the fact that I'm no longer a country fan. Had this list been made in 1998, I would've voted for Metallica using their cover of "Turn The Page" as a template. However, I vote Machine Head because I've been really impressed with their work as of lately and listen to their cover of Iron Maiden's "Hallowed Be Thy Name" as a template. Rob Flynn's soft singing style could really do numbers for "The Thunder Rolls" and while he usually has a very growly vocal style (ex. "Aesthetics Of Hate"), a couple growls here and there wouldn't hurt "Thunder Rolls" (I'm thinking the word "Strikes" in the chorus). Throw in a solo and Bob's your uncle. This would be one of the softer songs in Machine Head's library, but damn I think this would be cool.

So that's the last of it. For anyone who's been watching/reading my stuff from the start, I can't thank you enough for your support and feedback, whether that be good, bad or indifferent over the last two years. Cheerio!

-The Cynic

A Slightly Overanalytical Look At Robots

Now as you already know, I'm a father. If I've learned one thing from my 2.5 years as being a father, it's that children like repetition, especially younger ones. At one point, my son wanted to watch nothing but the Jurassic Park films, which lead to my blog about the third one. His interests has since diversified, which I'm not complaining, seeing as children need diversity as they do repetition. However, lately he's been really taking a liking to the movie Robots. Like, watching it three times in a day liking.

Rodney Copperbottom (Ewan McGregor) and Fender (Robin Williams) in disguise

Again, I'm not complaining, because Robots is a pretty good movie and I had honestly never seen it until Scholar showed it to our son. If I were to do a Stash Or Trash on Robots, it'd be a Stash, no question. However, when you watch the same movie over and over to the point where your toddler can quote the film word for word, you can't help but notice things that you didn't the first couple times or start to think a little deeper into some of the plot details encased within said film. Example:


The Chop Shop

I'm honestly willing to chalk this up to a goof on the writer's part. At one point in the movie, everyone has to hide in the alleys from a Sweeper and when Rodney asks why, Piper (Amanda Bynes) and Crank (Drew Carey) explains that Sweepers will sweep up any Outmodes (robots with discontinued parts) and take them down to The Chop Shop, where they are melted down and turned into something else. Horrifying, yes, but what I want to know is when later on in the film when Fender is caught by a Sweeper but manages to escape from the Chop Shop, he's freaking out and explaining to the rest of the characters that Sweepers are taking Outmodes to The Chop Shop, why are the rest of the characters so shocked by this revelation that they already knew? I think someone forgot to proofread this part of the script.

Just How Long Has Bigweld Been Missing?

The main plot of Robots is that Rodney moves from Rivet Town to Robot City so that he can meet his childhood idol, Mr. Bigweld (Mel Brooks), and get a job to help pay back his dad's boss. Upon arriving at Bigweld Industries, he's informed by Tim The Gateman (Paul Giamatti) that nobody gets in anymore because Bigweld is no longer in charge, giving him the advice that Rodney should come back two years ago to get the job. Okay, let's focus on that statement. So this gives the implication that things changed two years prior to Rodney's arrival, so does that mean that Bigweld's disappearance was two years ago? If so, why is Ratchet (Greg Kinnear) carrying himself like he was just appointed head of Bigweld Industries and doesn't want to hear another "Where's Bigweld?" Have people been asking him this for two years now? Then there's the bit with the Bigweld Ball, a huge ceremony that Bigweld attends every year and one of the board members says that they'll see Bigweld there. Why would Bigweld disappear for enough time to have him be declared legally dead and then randomly show up at some company ball? Aunt Fanny (Jennifer Coolidge) says, "You can't have a Bigweld Ball without Bigweld!" The Bigweld Ball seems like an annual event to me, so you mean to tell me that there hasn't been a Bigweld Ball in two years and nobody has gotten suspicious of this? Nobody? The face of Robot City just up and vanishes and no one lifts a finger about until some outsider shows up?


Gasket & Ratchet Are Total Nazis

Ratchet might be the acting head of Bigweld Industries, but he's nothing more than a puppet-on-a-string-mama's-boy, because Madamme Gasket (Jim Broadbent) is the brains behind the operation. The movie starts off like its going to be your simple "small town boy making a name for himself in the big city" story, but when Ratchet shows up, it takes on this class favoritism angle. That's pretty messed up, but then when Ratchet discontinues spare parts (on his mommy's order), he gloats to Madamme Gasket that in a couple weeks they'll be up to their elbows in broken/dead Outmodes, which brings in this even MORE messed up mass genocide angle to the story. There's one scene where the gang is trying for find a neck joint for Fender and the owner of the shop is showing off the upgrades that Ratchet is pushing. The only difference between the upgrades are the size and gender. Other than that, they all look the same. So there's two Robots corrupted by power that are trying to create their image of a perfect world and are not afraid to slaughter masses in order to achieve said goal.

Sound familiar?

Somebody call the Inglourious Basterds, because there's some Gnatzies that need a scalpin'. When I stop and think about what I've mentioned in the last few points, I have come to one final conclusion...


Robot City Would Be One Of The Worst Places To Live Ever

Sweepers are snatching up Outmodes, never to be heard from again. The world's greatest robot, Mr. Bigweld, has vanished. Citizens are preying off each other for spare parts. WHERE IN THE HELL IS THE POLICE IN ALL THIS?! How many Outmodes have been taken by the Sweepers? Where are the missing robots posters? Why has no investigation been put into any of this? Has Ratchet been paying off the police or killing any policemen trying to find out what happened to Bigweld and other Outmodes? The citizens of Robot City in the end are forced to take matters into their own hands because there is no sort of authority present in the city. The only robots wielding badges are the security guards at Bigweld Industries, so naturally they'll side with whomever is paying them.
And let's talk about that public transportation system. Whoever designed that thing was either a certified genius or an authentic whacko. Any time you took this thing would be a near-death experience. Seriously, watch it.

The Cross-Town Express




Robots

— MOVIECLIPS.com

If those setups are off by just a fraction, you're dead. And when Fender says, "There goes my stop," HOW WAS HE SUPPOSED TO GET OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AIR?!

Like most aimed at kids films, Robots is one of those movies that if you think too much into it, it'll weird you out, so it's really best to just take it at face value. If anyone reading still hasn't seen it, I'd honestly recommend it. Just, don't say I didn't warn you about some of the stuff in the movie.

-The Cynic

Is It That Bad: Cars 2

In 2006, Disney/Pixar released the film Cars, the second film in their roster to have an entirely non-human cast. The film was received with positive/mixed reception, scoring 74% on Rotten Tomatoes and 73/100 on MetaCritic, the lowest ratings that a Pixar film had received on either site. I was working in an electronics store when Cars hit DVD so I was able to watch it a few times and the film got the grow on me, so I purchased the DVD and invested about $30 into the franchise. Wasn't the absolute best Pixar film, but was still better than The Incredibles. Despite the lowest critical reception of the Pixar films, Disney kept pumping out Cars merchandise for years after the film's release, long before it was announced that there was a second film on the way.

On June 24, 2011, Cars 2 hit theatres and Imax, much to the delight of children and dread of haters of the first film everywhere. However, upon looking up reviews online and asking people on my friends list on Facebook, I was surprised how much negative feedback this film was getting. While the film was still a box office success, it was Pixar's worst reviewed film yet and is also their lowest grossing film in North America since A Bug's Life. So naturally, being a fan of the first film (my son also loves it) and being something of a glutton for punishment, I went out and rented Cars 2 the other night to answer the question: Is It That Bad?

I'm so glad they brought back Fillmore, with Lloyd Sherr replacing the late George Carlin.

The plot of Cars 2 starts out with secret agent Finn McMissile (Michael Caine) investigating supposed terrorist activity on an oil rig in the middle of the ocean. He finds one of his agents has been crushed into a cube and sees the terrorists looking at something resembling a video camera. McMissile takes some pictures of it but when the terrorists spot him, he leads them on a chase throughout the rig and actually manages to kill some of them (wait, what?) before escaping. Cut to Radiator Springs, where Mater (voiced again by Larry The Cable Guy) is meeting up with his BFF Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson) after McQueen is returning from winning his fourth Piston Cup. While on a date with Sally (Bonnie Hunt), McQueen sees a promo for a new World Grand Prix sponsored by a new alternative fuel company that he was invited to. When one of the racers, Francesco Bernoulli (voiced by John Turturro), begins insulting McQueen on air, Mater calls the station and basically puts McQueen on the spot, so he accepts the invitation to the Grand Prix. However, the two paths cross at the Grand Prix and Mater is mistaken for the American operative that McMissile was supposed to meet up with in Tokyo and essentially, the fate of every car in the world is put in Mater's axles.

Francesco vs McQueen in Italy.

Visually, Cars 2 is right up there with Pixar's best work with great detail going into the environments and characters and many people who diss this movie will tell you that. However, what others are complaining about is the story and the characters (or more specifically, character) the film chooses to focus on. Honestly, I was not expecting a story quite of this caliber in Cars 2, considering how the first film was more like a fish-out-of-water where Mr. Hot Shot needed to learn what the more important things in life were (a premise not much different than the one shown in Thor). Here, it's basically a cross of James Bond & Mr. Bean with anthropomorphic vehicles and you know what? It's actually pretty fun. Kudos to Pixar with wanting to take this sequel in a different angle unlike the Toy Story series, where life changes seems to be the underlying theme of the first two films until it slaps you across the face in the third one (albeit Toy Story & Toy Story 2 remain my favorite Pixar films). In fact, there were some parts of Cars 2 that I thought were pretty intense for a kid's film, specifically the fact that they show cars being killed onscreen. At the same time, one of these somewhat on-screen kills was Bruce Campbell's character, which as we all know: killing off Bruce Campbell isn't in any way, shape or form cool.

The other big complaint that anyone who hated this movie has is that the film focuses too much on Mater. Most of the original cast of characters make return appearances in this one (except Doc Hudson), but they are basically cameos if nothing else, which is really too bad because I felt the first one didn't showcase some of the characters enough and I was hoping they'd fix some of that in this one, but no. Instead, they take a backseat to the new characters and Mater. Hell, even Lightning McQueen takes a bit of a backseat to his best friend. Does this bother me? Not as much as you'd think, really. First off, I don't have a problem with Larry The Cable Guy in this role, and I'm not one of those people who hate on him because it's cool to hate on him. He does far better as a voice actor than as a live action actor (anyone who's seen Delta Farce can confirm this) and I might even enjoy his work as Mater more than his standup bits, keyword being might. Also, let's think back to when the first Cars film came out for a minute. Who was the most popular character? Who was the one who had the kiddies in stitches and was the star of the animated short on the DVD? Yeah, Mater. Considering how much kids loved Mater, it only makes sense that they give him more screen time to appease the kids. Now, I'm not one of those lameasses who thinks that kid's movies can get away with fucking murder because they're kid's movies, but really, do you honestly think that Disney & Pixar wanted to aim this film equally to adults as they did kids? Let's not forget that Disney has a really nasty track record of killing their characters' parents. You know, the onscreen representation of their primary source of income? Of course they're more focused on keeping the kids happy, they already have your money. It's not like Mater doesn't learn anything by the end of the film either. Yeah, he realizes that he's a little out of control and tends to screw up...a lot. Yet, in the end, Mater is able to figure out who's behind this terrorist plot and, quite literally, almost gets himself killed to prove it. Yeah, the rusted tow truck has some serious balls by the end of the film.

One last thing I heard about Cars 2 is that there really isn't a lesson to be learned in this film. Not true: the whole purpose of Cars 2 is to show that A) If you truly consider someone your friend, you won't throw away what friendship you have over something as trivial as a trophy and are willing to forgive them for their faults, and B) You don't have to be the biggest, strongest or smartest person in the world to be important or to make a difference.

Mater is in this movie a lot. Deal with it.

So is Cars 2 really that bad? Absolutely not. Is it the best sequel ever made? No. Is it my favorite sequel ever? No. Is it better than the first? No, but considering some of the other Disney sequels out there, Cars 2 is without a doubt one of the better ones. Upon watching these films, it really does seem like people hate on these movies if for no other reason than because Larry The Cable Guy voices the most popular character in the two films. Personally, I had a blast with Cars 2 and I will gladly purchase this DVD down the road. Hell, I'm even game for a third Cars film, or even the spin-off Planes coming in 2013. So yeah, as far as I'm concerned, haters of this film, namely Kyle Smith of The New York Post, can blow it out their exhaust pipes.

-The Cynic

P.S. Does anyone else out there think that this is a friggin' awesome picture?

Dual Review: Jurassic Park: Dangerous Games 1 & 2

I'm a little behind because of the move and the almost five months it took to get the internet back, so I'm a little late with this one, hence why I'm reviewing two issues instead of one. I've had a couple people ask me what I think of IDW's latest romp in the Jurassic Park universe, Dangerous Games.

Plot: An undercover agent named Daniel Espinoza is trying to take a down a drug cartel from the inside and everything had been going fine until he's found out and taken to the cartel leader's private island. There's just one problem...said island is Isla Nublar aka Jurassic Park. The cartel's leader leaves Espinoza in the jungles with only a hunting knife and gives him 24 hours to survive before the leader's right hand man hunts down Espinoza for himself. Espinoza then witnesses a dinosaur attack and takes down a Parasaurolophus with his knife. Unfortunately, his would-be meal is interrupted by an Allosaurus coming to eat him, but when Espinoza trips on a log and is knocked out, a pack of Velociraptors come and kill the Allosaurus with someone announcing that they have a guest. He comes to in the Raptor's nest where there is a redheaded woman, Dr. Frances White, nursing his wounds and offering him food. She explains that she was hired to study how the dinosaurs behaved, and even grew quite attached to the Velociraptors with them imprinting on her as their mother. However, White was growing tired of how the men used brute force to handle the dinosaurs and when she approached Peter Ludlow about it, he basically went Chris Brown on her, so she uncaged her Raptors to stop him from hurting her. Ludlow pulls a gun and begins firing at the Raptors, one of the bullets grazing White's cheek and they escape into the jungle with White vowing never to live amongst humans again. Espinoza insists that he has a job to do and if he has to do it alone, so be it, but White says that she'll help but they need guidance first. They go to a boneyard and White hides as the fucking T-Rex steps out and eyes Espinoza. Taken aback by the Rex's size and intimidation, Espinoza freezes, so the T-Rex looses sight of him and walks off. White then explains that the T-Rex judges the souls of everyone on the island and needed to see if Espinoza was worth helping. Meanwhile, the leader's right hand man decides to start hunting down Espinoza early and White's pack of Velociraptors attack them. White runs in to help but is caught in a net, so Espinoza tries to cut her down only to find himself looking down the barrel if the right hand man's gun as the goon insists they begin the hunt.

My apologies for the wall-o-text there, but I did just have to sum up two issues of a five issue series. So...what do I think of it? Well...let's see...first off, I'm not too crazy about the fact that this story is on Isla Nublar and not Isla Sorna for I am in the crowd that considers the deleted scene from The Lost World where they explain the first island was destroyed canon, so unless Dangerous Games is a prequel to TLW, which it gives no indication that it is, then I'm not impressed. However, the argument can be made that the comics do not follow the film canon. Fine, then I'm not terribly impressed that Dangerous Games sticks a middle finger to the Topps comics from the mid-90s where the U.S. Military assumed control of Isla Nublar and was using it as a research facility. Another thing that sorta makes me scratch my head is that supposedly this drug cartel leader is paying off someone in the U.N. and that's how he was able to buy the island so easily. If the U.N. knew what was on the island and consider it a big enough deal that, I dunno, the fucking U.N. needs to be involved with it, wouldn't they be a TAD suspicious that it suddenly dropped off their radar of importance?

Another thing that I don't like is the Frances White character. Sure, my inner teen's tongue is wagging at her flowing red locks and super-heroine figure, but this lady is fucking insane. I mean, living with Velociraptors? Creatures that have been dead for how many millions of years that we have little to no idea how their brains worked, and she's just shacking up with them?! Let me remind everyone of something: the dinosaurs of Jurassic Park are wild animals, creatures that operate on their own natural instinct, which at times, is really goddamned unpredictable! You know that film Grizzly Man? Here's the sequel: Raptor Woman, and I won't be the least bit surprised if they turn out to have the same ending. I think writer Erik Bear was watching Godzilla: The Series when he came up with this idea.

Now let's talk about that bit with the T-Rex. Another reason that goes to show you that White is either insane for a really stupid scientist. "She judges the souls of everyone on the island?" "Only the ones she deems worthy survive?" Really, folks? This is the angle they're going with? Yes, dinosaurs are fascinating and what was accomplished at Jurassic Park was nothing short of a scientific miracle, but let's not make them out to be things that they aren't! There's nothing magical or godly about the T-Rex, save for its size and power. The only reason why the Rex didn't chomp down on Espinoza is because he stood perfectly still while facing the T-Rex because he was in awe of it. Good for him, because the laws of Jurassic Park dictate that the T-Rex's sight was based on movement; freeze and you'll be okay, provided she doesn't smell you. If White really was hired to study the behavior of the dinosaurs on the island, either she just didn't get to the T-Rex before she ditched humanity or living alone with a pack of Dromaeosaurs has really screwed with her head.

There's two last things I want to discuss. 1) If this story takes place on Isla Nublar, why is there such an inconsistency with not only what dinosaurs were on the island going from the first film to this comic, but with how said dinosaurs actually look going from first film to this comic? I say this because in Dangerous Games, there are appearances from Stegosaurus, Allosaurus, Pterosaurs (very faintly, but they're there), as well as a couple of dinosaurs that I have absolutely no idea what they hell they are due to their overabundance of feathers and odd color patterns. I know that the whole feathers thing goes with current paleontological theories, but if this is supposed to be on Isla Nublar, shouldn't the dinosaurs actually LOOK like they did in the film? There were no feathered dinosaurs in the first Jurassic Park, so what the hell are they doing here? Has so much time passed since the first film that the Velociraptors evolved feathers? Can such an evolutionary twist occur in 18 years or less (if this does turn out to be a prequel to The Lost World)? Furthermore, where in the blue hell did all these other dinosaurs come from? Did the drug cartel hire a team of geneticists so they could breed the other embryos in the lab so the goons would have something to shoot at? What in the fuck?!

Finally, the last thing that I want to talk...nononono, lemme rephrase that, the last thing I want to rant about (that's better) is the artwork. Just take a look at it. While it's not Redemption bad, although that's not hard, Dangerous Games still takes the same trend that most Jurassic Park comics do by having pretty good cover art but questionable interior art. This thing looks like a Jurassic Park anime, which is just as much fail as manga Wolverine. Not only did I keep thinking that one of the characters was gonna shout "OVER NINE THOUSAANNNNNNND" at any second, but the art has these weird proportion issues where the size of some of the dinosaurs will vary from panel to panel which certainly doesn't help with the fact that they look like shit to begin with.

The first time I read issues 1 & 2 of Dangerous Games, I thought it was okay, but then again it was like 7am and I hadn't gone to bed yet. Upon reading it again from an analytical point of view, I am thoroughly unimpressed with this story arc. As much as Jurassic Park: Dangerous Games has failed to wow me but has pissed me off instead, this comic still isn't as bad as Jurassic Park: Redemption. Thankfully, Dangerous Games hasn't raped my childhood and then spat on the quivering remains...yet. Here's hoping the next three issues turn it around, but something in the back of my head is telling me not to hold my breath.

-The Cynic

EDIT: Turns out that this comic takes place in 2012, 11 years after the events of the films, so yeah, this book can suck it. Also, I'm not reviewing the final three issues because they bring nothing new to the table. I wouldn't invest in this story unless you are a hardcore JP fan, and even then, I'd be having second thoughts...

Quick Blurb Review: X-Men: First Class

Hey, everyone! We finally have the internet back so the blog is back up and running and I'm here with a big one. Tonight, we're looking at X-Men: First Class, one of the most positively reviewed movies of the year...much to my surprise.

And with one flex of an eyebrow, you will forget all about the Wolverine movie...

Now, even though I did enjoy X-Men Origins: Wolverine for the performances from the cast, I'll admit it was not a great film and was aimed more at the "Hurr need more 'splosions" crowd. It was fun, but wasn't good for you either. However, since Wolverine drew in a tremendous box office intake, I was concerned that there would be more movies along the same vein, so when First Class was announced, I was a little skeptical. Once the film hit theatres and the feedback began to spread, I was surprised how positive said feedback was. Having seen the film now, I can see why it got the reception it did.

Badass: Noun, Awesome to an extreme level, thereby leveraging unquestionable authority. Example: Michael Fassbender as Erik Lensherr/Magneto.

The story of First Class follows Charles Xavier/Professor X (James McAvoy) and Erik Lensherr/Magneto in their polar opposite beginnings and how their lives manage to intertwine when Charles is recruited by Moira MacTaggert (Rose Byrne) & the C.I.A. to catch a sleazy dictator mutant named Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon), the same man who killed Erik's mother in Poland during WWII. Together, they bond a friendship and recruit other mutants to assist them and the government in stopping World War III, although their conflicting beliefs begin to come between them.

While Wolverine had great performances, First Class matches that and then proceeds to do right what Wolverine didn't: be a good movie all around. I loved seeing the younger side of Xavier as quite a flirty charmer and James McAvoy really hits it home here. As mentioned earlier, Fassbender is totally badass as Magneto and to be honest, I wouldn't have minded if this film kept with the original idea of being X-Men Origins: Magneto so long as he was still in the title role. That being said, I don't think you can tell one character's origins without touching base on the other since they are so intertwined with each other, so I think the final product is the only way this film would've truly worked.

Nicholas Hoult as Hank McCoy/Beast. He's no Kelsey Grammar, but come on, those are some tough shoes to fill.

Along with Professor X, Magneto & Beast, other mutant appearances include (but aren't limited to) Raven Darkholme/Mystique (Jennifer Lawrence), Angel Salvadore (Zoe Kravitz), Sean Cassidy/Banshee (Caleb Landry Jones), Alex Summers/Havok (Lucas Til) and Emma Frost (January Jones), who actually looks like Emma Frost instead of Tahyna Tozzi's representation in Wolverine. My knowledge of the entire X-Men universe is limited to what I've learned from the early 1990s cartoon and some of the video games, but I was really happy to see the characters that I did recognize. Each of the above mentioned characters actually have a purpose within the story and don't feel shoehorned in for the sake of having more mutants. Not that there were some characters that did feel like shoehorns. Azazel (Jason Flemyng) and Riptide (Alex Gonzalez) seemed like they were just there to look mean and intimidating when I would've liked to have seen those characters developed a bit more (I didn't even know Riptide's name until I looked it up on IMDB). Instead, most of the villain focus goes to Emma Frost and Sebastian Shaw, which don't get me wrong, it's great to see Kevin Bacon in a large and sinister role like this, but in hindsight, why not add some depth to the henchmen? Just a little?

Oh, I can't stay mad at you, Mr. Six Degrees Of Separation. You were just too awesome in this movie.

Honestly, this is one of those reviews that was hard for me to put together because I spent less time taking notes on what to discuss in the review and more time losing myself in the film, which is usually a good sign that I am really digging what I'm watching. X-Men: First Class is a great way to show that not all comic book movies are complete over-the-top spectacles. Not only does this movie retcon the Wolverine film by pretending that it didn't happen (although a certain cigar-toting mutant does make a three word cameo in this film, which was great) but First Class also comes off as a very adult film, giving little to no camp value and treating its source material very seriously. If you took the mutant powers out of this movie, you would still be left with a well worth viewing suspense thriller that'd keep your eyes glued to the screen. Because of this, I think X-Men: First Class was better than Thor (which, for the record, was better than Captain America) and is not only the best 2011 film I've seen this year nor is it merely one of the better comic films in recent time, but it's easily, in my opinion, one of the best comic book films ever made. If you enjoyed the first three X-Men films or didn't get a chance to see this film during its theatrical run, you must check out X-Men: First Class. Trust me when I say, "It's well worth it."

-The Cynic

Ancient Review: The Wicker Man

AHA! I knew I had old proof laying around that I didn't just start doing Coffee With The Cynic because of Cinemassacre or That Guy With The Glasses! I've been reviewing shit for a long time but I didn't really have much of an audience or medium to work with until I got the internet, and his is one of my older reviews that I wanna share with you because I was really proud of it and since this is gonna be my last blog for a little while, I wanna share something special with you guys. This review was published on my old Live Journal account (yeah, old school) on September 07, 2006 when my now ex-girlfriend, her mom and I went to see The Wicker Man in theatres and I was going by "The Dirtball." Enjoy!

"These people shouldn't be encouraged, they should be punished! Murder has been commited here, and the victim is theatre!"

-Lois Griffin, Family Guy

That was the exact quote running through my head Monday evening after I got out of The Wicker Man with Lindsay and her mom. I couldn't even give a traditional review for this movie it was so bad. The "What Works" list would consist of one thing (maybe) while "What Doesn't Work" would crash my computer. So, having to ditch traditional review methods, we will instead go with a rant.

For those who don't know, The Wicker Man is yet another horror remake, although in this case, I will use the term "horror" loosely, as in a prostitute's vagina loosely. The story revolves around this cop who is summoned to this secluded island that appears to be owned very privately by this very shrewd community who is looking for a missing girl. At every twist and turn the cop sees things that make him scratch his head and say, "What the fuck?" so to speak. It turns out that the community is really a Pagan community, an old religion thought to be abolished years ago. Whenever the Pagans would have a very poor harvest season, they would build a giant monument of a person out of wicker wood, fill it with fruits, livestock and someone pure (or at least worthy) then torch the sucker as a sacrifice in hopes to appease the Gods so that they may be rewarded with a good harvest season. Once the cop finds out that everyone is in on the girl's supposed disappearance, including the girl, he realizes that this was nothing more than a trap set by the community to sacrifice him to the Gods. Guess what? It works! They burn the poor guy to death in the end.

Some remakes follow the original's story very closely with a couple of new things but the new things are few and far between. Naturally, The Wicker Man is no exception. I will tell you the entire movie right here and now.

Nicolas Cage plays a cop who is considering retirement after having a car containing a single mother and her daughter blow up in his face. One day, he gets a letter from his ex-fiance saying that she needs his help finding her lost daughter and he's the only one she trusts. He goes to this island and at every twist and turn, he sees things that make him scratch his head & go, "What the fuck?" so to speak. At one point, he finds out that the missing girl is actually his daughter as well, so this drives him to find her even more. It turns out that the community is a Pagan community, an old religion thought to be abolished years ago where women thrive while males are in the shadows. The cop finds out the hard way that this whole scenario was a trap to sacrifice him to the Gods. They burn the poor guy to death in the end.

Okay, now that you've been educated a bit in the history of The Wicker Man, let me elaborate on why the movie was terrible.

I love Nicolas Cage's work as an actor, most likely Face/Off being his best (in my whole humble opinion, anyway). However, in this movie, his style is just terrible. He's just too good of an actor to be in this shitfest. There were a couple of lines in this movie that were oh so serious, but just had us killing ourselves laughing, the best being "AAAHHHH!!! MY LEGS! MY LEGS!" While the villagers are dogging him, the camera blends to a shot of the villagers marching towards The Wicker Man but the sounds of the fight are still going on. We wouldn't have laughed if they had just shown the villagers breaking his damn legs, but they didn't, so HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That part actually probably could've been saved if he had just screamed instead of screaming "MY LEGS! MY LEGS!" All of the other acting was friggin' terrible. The rest of the people in this movie must've been in rather desperate need of money, but not desperate enough to warrant a good performance.

The fact that in a couple of points in the movie, Nicolas Cage is running around beating up women is just laughable, if not downright awful, although in all fairness, Leelee Sobieski attacked him first in the pub. It was kind of like watching Family Guy when they have the really offensive jokes and you're laughing when you know deep down that you really shouldn't be.

There are these bee-keepers on the island because they sell honey to keep their source of income in tact, but they looked rather ridiculous. At one, Lindsay whisepred in my ear, "They look like Kenny from South Park," to which I replied muffled syllables. Apparently they also double as security guards because at one point, one of them locks Nicolas Cage in a flooded crypt as he's looking for clues. Too bad they couldn't lock the person who wrote this film down there instead and add even more water.

This fucking "movie" wasn't even scary! For a "Horror Remake", it was pretty tame, which is all kinds of suck right there. There were a couple of parts that might make you jump only because they crank up the music on those parts and the orchestra hits a surprised note. Other than that, this movie is "Blah blah blah she's really your daughter blah blah blah WhyisburnedwhyisburnedWHYISITBURNED blah blah blah MY LEGS MY LEGS!"

This movie's length is only one hour and thirty-seven minutes, but even that is too long with the whole "blah blah blah" factor and just when you think it's over, it keeps going for about another five minutes. At this point in the theatre, I felt the urge to repeatedly slam my head into the seat in front of me, regardless of what my girlfriend sitting beside me or the man occupying said headslammer in front of me would've thought.

A person can tell they are passionate about films when they see a film that will have them mentally reciting lines from it for weeks to come. A passionate film-goer knows a piece of shit when they see one, like me, for example, but too bad a passionate film-goer can't know a piece of shit when they see one enough to stand up in the theatre, shout out the ending loud enough for everyone in the theatre to hear him, walk out of the screening and sneak into catching the last bit of Snakes On A Plane. I have never been so tempted to walk out of a theatre in my life and if I had, it would've been the only movie I had ever walked out of.

In closing, let me just say this: The Wicker Man (2006) is nothing more than the result of someone using a spare film reel as toilet paper. If you are considering watching the original, I would only suggest watching it for the far more sexually orientated theme because the story in general is not a good one. As far as I'm concerned, Nicolas Cage has nowhere to go but up from here. After seeing this horrid sorry excuse for a film, I am quite excited for Ghost Rider because maybe we'll see Nicolas Cage in something GOOD! As for The Wicker Man, I think we should put all reels of this film in a Wicker Man of our own and burn it as a sacrifice to the Gods so maybe they'll give us a good movie in return, which after seeing this, would be anything.

If you want to associate yourself with anything good involving The Wicker Man, download the Iron Maiden song of the same name. The song outdoes both movies put together on its worst day. One of the best reviews I read of this movie was, "I would much rather spend the money I spent on this on a ham sandwich. Why, Nicolas Cage, why?" Indeed, Nic Cage, why?

I'm the Dirtball, and that's my input.

So over the course of the five years since I first wrote this review, I don't think all that highly of Nicolas Cage anymore. I mean, he's okay as an actor, but now he's just so over the top that I just can't take him seriously. Not after The Wicker Man. Ghost Rider was the better movie, but that really wasn't too hard to do. So hopefully we'll be getting the internet at our home sometime next month, barring any FURTHER complications that life could throw at us, and then we'll finally get some new shit up on our YouTube channel. See you guys later!

YouTube Channel Follow Up

Okay, so it's been a long time since I've done anything on my YouTube Channel, but that's because of the cluster fuck that has been the summer of 2011, I am currently without video equipment. Hence why the Blog has been pumping out post after post after post, but today on the Blog I'd like to touch base on things that I've reviewed on my YouTube Channel and my opinion may have changed since said reviews. This is the Coffee With The Cynic YouTube Followup.

Painkiller Drum Expert+ Run: This is the first video I ever did for Coffee With The Cynic to try and get comfortable with being in front of the camera. I started doing this because I love talking about pop culture and any job that I've had where I didn't talk about pop culture in some way, shape or form bored the piss out of me (I don't get paid to do this either, but I'm just saying). A few of you are probably wondering if I ever finished this song on Expert+. Well, yes. However, it wasn't solo. I was on drums and my buddy Steve was on guitar, we were both on the highest difficulty possible and we barely finished this song. The last drum fill is still fucking nigh impossible to follow and the edges of the screen were blood-red once the song was done. We only had a three star rating by the end, but we still finished the song.

Zombieland Review: Okay, in this review, I said that Zombieland was okay. However, if anyone here has read my Top 7 Most Disappointing Movies blog, you'll know that my opinion of Zombieland has not sweetened with time. In fact, I fucking hate this movie. I never want to watch it again. It'll be a miracle if I watch the second one.

Justin Beiber Rant: Bieber's still a twat and him fucking Selena Gomez will not change that.

Avatar: Much like Zombieland, I thought Avatar was okay the first time I watched it. However, with all the nonstop praise and muffin tops of feces that people have over this movie, I got tired of hearing it. I actually watched it again (sadly) and it does not hold up well. I even watched the Blu-Ray on a 1080p Plasma 42" TV and the special effects look even more like a fucking video game than it did on our old 32" tube. Jurassic Park looked friggin' sexy on that TV, but Avatar worsened. A lot.

My Darkest Days' "Porn Star Dancing": I really dug this song when it first came out, mostly due to Zakk Wylde's presence, but that was before the song was bludgeoned over my head by KX96. I cannot stand "Porn Star Dancing" anymore. Hell, even My Darkest Days' follow up single, "Move Your Body," hasn't convinced me that these guys are capable of being more than a one hit wonder. Five bucks says that their next album tanks and they fade, provided they even get that far.

Really, that's it. Yeah, this blog didn't really take much, but I wanted to give a bit of an update on how things changed a bit since I last reviewed them on YouTube. Aside from what's listed here, nothing's changed. The Love Guru is still the worst movie ever, Jurassic Park: Redemption still raped my childhood, song sampling still pisses me off, and there's more to come on the ol' YouTube channel...once I have video equipment.

-The Cynic