Sunday, August 1, 2010

Top 7 Most Disappointing Movies

In case anyone out there hasn't figured it out yet, I'm a huge movie fan. Movies (much like music) are the ultimate escape, to completely forgo reality and take you away to their own little world for two hours. Movies are a powerful thing and can just as easily destroy lives as they can change them. Then there are some movies that seem like they'd be great for whatever reason and then you sit down to start watching it and as the movie progresses, you think to yourself, "Wow, this wasn't what I was expecting at all. In fact, this kinda sucks." On that note, I give you my personal Top 7 Most Disappointing Movies!

Honorable Mention: Jurassic Park 3

It's no secret that I'm a borderline ravenous Jurassic Park fan, so I included this one on the list to show I'm not playing favorites, even if it is just an honorable mention. When Jurassic Park 3 hit theatres on July 18th, 2001, fans were half & half on it. There were fans that liked The Lost World: Jurassic Park and wanted more, and then there were fans that hated The Lost World and weren't sure if another JP film would fix it. While, to me anyway, Jurassic Park 3 is an enjoyable film, it does have its flaws. Most notably the overall look of the movie, seeing as how it doesn't really LOOK like a Jurassic Park film, much less feel like one. I mean, sure, Alan Grant is the main character and a lot of familiar species of dinosaurs are back, but it just doesn't tie in very well with the first two. It's a fun dinosaur flick, but a mediocre Jurassic Park film. Easily my least favorite of the series.

Now the actual list.

#7: The Alien vs Predator series

Again, these are movies that I enjoyed, but let's face it, they aren't great. In fact, they suck. The first one had an interesting concept similar to that of the original comic books and the movie does attempt to give the characters some depth so that you can sympathize for them when they start dying, but the mostly so-so acting, the strange bulky look for the Predators & the PG-13 rating made this movie fall short of its goal.

The sequel, Aliens vs Predator: Requiem, wasn't much better. While it brought back the gore and the original physique of the Predator, it skipped over everything else that was good about the first film. There's no solid story, it's too fucking dark to see what's going on, and the guys in the creature costumes give more convincing performances than the human characters. It's too bad, because this could have been a great sci-fi/horror franchise, but instead we're stuck with these.

#6: War Of The Worlds

Now we're cracking the shit list. This movie had serious potential for me. Seriously, an updated version of a classic novel, featuring half of the production team behind Jurassic Park and Tom Cruise before it was widely known he was fucking insane. Once the credits rolled in the theatre, I figured, "Okay, that wasn't bad." During the ride home, I thought, "It was ok." Once I actually stepped into my apartment, I thought to myself, "Wow, that actually sucked." I don't know what it was about this movie, but I just didn't like it. It wasn't the great thrill ride I was hoping for and the best part of the movie was the scenes with Tim Robbins, and there's only a couple of those. Needless to say, I was bummed out about it.

#5: The Incredibles

This is Pixar's St. Anger as far as I'm concerned. You know you're in trouble when the trailer is funnier than the movie. I went into this one expecting another Toy Story or even a Monsters Inc., just a good story that kept you hooked with plenty of laughs to entertain. I felt The Incredibles had neither. I just couldn't convince myself to get excited about this movie when I was watching it in theatres. Once I left the theatre, I was sure of two things:
1) I was happy I used a movie pass to see it.
2) Pixar had nowhere to go but up from there.

#4: The Matrix Revolutions

Okay, seriously, Wachowski Brothers...well, I guess Wachowski Brother & Sister now, what the hell? The original Matrix film was ground breaking in that "We'll Fuck With Your Mind Until Nothing Makes Sense" kind of way, and the sequel The Matrix Reloaded wasn't bad, but Revolutions felt like a total cop-out. It's like the writers decided to end it in mid-story and although it was pegged as the final film of the series, they still left it open for a sequel. I remember after the movie my friend and I went to his car and we sat there for a minute in silence, then he looks at me and says, "That's it?" All I could do was shake my head, "That's it." Boo Matrix Revolutions.

#3: Men In Black II

I LOVED the first Men In Black film. It had laughs, it had action, the movie didn't drag out, the effects were great, and it went on to be the highest grossing film of 1997 if I remember correctly. Men In Black II was a straight up FAILURE. The laughs weren't there, the story was dumb, Tommy Lee Jones & Will Smith didn't have the same on-screen chemistry that they did the last time and overall the movie was just...plah. I couldn't believe I actually paid good money to see this annoying thing. Hell, even the theme song pissed me off. Men In Black II sucked big time and anyone who hasn't seen it should avoid it.

#2: Zombieland

I know I already reviewed this movie, but I had to include it on this list. It seems like everyone and their cat loves this movie, but I'm going to go ahead and presume you never saw any of the promotional material for it. All of the gags in this film were given away by the trailers. The only gag that was kept under wraps was the Bill Murray cameo and even that couldn't save this movie. It's pegged as a comedy, yet it isn't funny. I know I said in my original review that I thought it was ok, but the more I thought about it, the more I didn't like it. I was heartbroken by how let down I was by this movie. I'm gonna flat out say it: Zombieland sucked.

And #1: Hulk

How can a movie about The Incredible Hulk be so fucking BORING?! Seriously, all of the characters just yak & gab about the science of being The Hulk. Nobody cared about the science behind it, they just wanted to see The Hulk go on destructive rampages and smash things. This is also one of the only movies I've seen where Sam Elliot does NOT play a cowboy. I'm beginning to see why he only plays those roles, because he's so good at them! Not here! The rest of the cast isn't overly convincing either, nor are the effects. This sleep inducing disaster is easily the most disappointing movie I've ever seen. FAIL.

-The Cynic

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