Sunday, August 15, 2010

Top 7 Most Hated Songs

I swear, this will be the last musical Top 7 for awhile. I'm gonna be resorting to my old pessimistic ways for this one because I wouldn't be able to resist that urge for this list. Why? Because everyone likes music to a certain degree but we all know at least a handful of songs that when they come on, we just wanna shoot whatever's playing them. So here is The Cynic's Top 7 Most Hated Songs.

#7 - Lamb Of God's "Black Label"

I don't particularly care for them now, but there was a time where I was quite the Lamb Of God fan. However, I must say that even in those Pro-Lamb Of God days, I couldn't get into this song. I tried and well, the music itself is fine, a little catchy in fact, but OH MY GOD THOSE VOCALS!!! This is more screamo than the roaring that Lamb Of God is known for. I cannot understand what he's saying here, and I could with later Lamb Of God songs. This song gives metal a bad name. A REALLY bad name.

#6 - Hinder's "Lips Of An Angel"

Ah, "Lips Of An Angel," or as I like to call it, "WAAAAAHHHH! I think of you whilst boning my current girlfriend and I imply that I'm going to cheat on her with you! WAAAAAHHHH!" Good luck fitting that on the back of a cd case, so "Lips Of An Angel" it is. It is seriously just four minutes of him crying. Dead fucking serious. If he still has those kinda feelings for his ex, why'd they break up in the first place? Is she looking for a booty call? Is he totally obsessed with her? Is SHE totally obsessed with him? Explain, song! Explain! Let's go with the assumption that she's looking for a booty call. If this is the case, this guy should just grow some nuts and be like, "You had your chance, bitch! I got a new girl now so go whore it up elsewhere!" CLICK!

#5 - Lady Gaga's "Poker Face"

Considering how much I hate Lady Gaga, I'm surprised she ranks as low as she does on this list. Sonuvashitstain, I hate Lady Gaga! Everything about her is repulsive and I cannot understand for the life of me how anyone would find her physically or musically attractive. Her music sounds generic, her antics are boring & overdone, she looks like a fucking man and she WROTE THIS GODDAMNED SONG! Perhaps this song was just overplayed and that's why I hate it so much, but I'll state just for the record that I wanted to crash school buses full of children the FIRST time I heard this stupid song, and the fact that this was "The Song" that everyone loved for the longest time makes me want to cunilingus my toilet. Before anyone says it, yes, I know her song Bad Romance has 262 Million views. I immediately gagged when I saw that and almost threw up on my son.

#4 - Michael Buble's "Haven't Met You Yet"

Okay, maybe I should cut this song some slack because it's kind of jazzy, but no. I hate it. Why? Because just like how Airbourne tries too hard to be AC/DC, Buble tries too hard to be a Canadian Frank Sinatra. You're not Frank Sinatra! Shut up! This could very well be another example of a song's popularity backfiring because it's overplayed, but that doesn't matter. As soon as that first piano note hits, I want to swing an axe into the radio and tongue kiss the sparking innards. The only good thing to come out of this Michael Buble craze is Michael Buble Being Stalked By A Velociraptor.

#3 - Kid Rock's "All Summer Long"

Now we're getting into the songs that inspire uncontrollable rage. I think I summed up my feelings on this one nicely with my Song Sampling rant, but allow me to say it again. It takes a special kind of fail to fuck up not one, but two great classic songs in one shot. I honestly cannot even listen to Werewolves Of London without hearing this debacle anymore. Fuck you, Kid Rock. FUCK. YOU. That's all I have to say about this one.

#2 - ...
Oh, man. Oh God. How can I even talk calmly about this one? This isn't even the top of the list and I already wanna quit. *sigh* Well, I guess I came this far, so here goes.
Nickelback's "This Afternoon"

I hate Nickelback now. I really do. The Nickelback that I became a fan of 11 years ago is officially dead and gone, because THAT Nickelback wouldn't have allowed something like "This Afternoon" to come to pass. A band that once listed bands like Metallica, Motley Crue & PanterA as influences NEVER would have allowed themselves to turn into a fucking pop band. While I'll admit I do like the song Burn It To The Ground, everything else I've heard off of the album Dark Horse is terrible. Too poppy and not enough rocky. The only other surefire rock songs on this album are Something In Your Mouth and Shakin' Hands. Both of those songs are ruined for me for different reasons. "Something In Your Mouth" for whatever reason reminds me of a former co-worker of mine that I saw as more of a friend rather than an object of sexual desire, so "Something In Your Mouth" just weirds me out. "Shakin' Hands" probably would've been a good song if it didn't have that stupid "Heyyyyy" chant in the background that's in every fucking rap song out there right now. Everything else just sounds like this pop-rock shlock, and considering how local media is pushing "This Afternoon" down my throat like oral rape, I will never give Nickelback anymore of my money. Never again, guys. Make another album like Silver Side Up or hell, even The Long Road & we'll talk.

And my #1 Most Hated song is...I don't even wanna talk about this one. I don't want to talk about this album, I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS PERSON! Although I guess I have to, k. My most hated song is KeOH GOD I CAN'T EVEN SAY IT! Even the title is absolutely horrible! Guys and gals, do I REALLY have to talk about this song? Do I? Fuck it, let the song speak for itself.

When the song starts with the "Blah Blah Blah," you know you're in for a complete ear massacre. This song makes St. Anger look like Vulgar Display Of Power. This is Kesha (fuck the $ that's supposed to be in her name), a vapid valley girl that looks like a drowning zombie prostitute with the vocal cords of a housecat fighting with a three year old. I absolutely hate Kesha. I don't know the woman personally, thank insert deity of your choice here, but I hate her. Her lyrics make her sound like a total bitchsnob. Kesha is the white Beyonce in this sense, who in turn is like Akon with a vagina. The only difference between the three is that Beyonce is a beautiful woman who can sing with the best of them. Akon is a good singer, but his physical looks don't do it for me. Kesha is none of the above. She can't sing, she can't rap, and she sure as fuck can't carry a good look in a suitcase. She's just like every stuck up "I'm so hot and I'm the shit because Daddy bought me a new Escalade for my birthday" prep shebitch you saw in high school.
Oh, and this song has 3OH3. Yeah, I was so wrapped up in lacing into Kesha that I almost forgot 3OH3 was in this song. These guys are salt on the fucking wound here. They deliver quite possibly the worst line ever written in a song.
"But I Don't Care Who You Are, In This Bar, It Only Matters Who I Is,"
Didn't someone teach these assholes proper grammar? Everything about this song angers me. The music, the performers, the lyrics, the video, the concept, the production assistants, EVERYTHING. I wanna know WHO thought this single was a good idea, so that their limbs can be torn off and stuffed up every possible orifice. Fuck this song, I'm done!

-The Cynic

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