Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Quick Blurb Review: Southland Tales

What the hell is this? No, seriously, Southland Tales has to be one of the most confusing things I've seen in my life. I haven't been this baffled after a movie since seeing The Nine Lives Of Fritz The Cat. These are the kind of movies that some people will look back on and say, "Oh, this film speaks about the culture at the time." Hey, future analysts & critics, it didn't make sense in our time, so it sure as Hell won't make sense in yours.

The movie stars The Rock, or Dwayne Johnson, as an amnesic actor who gets caught up in some huge political conspiracy and we have a supporting cast of Sarah Michelle Gellar, Justin Timberlake, Mandy Moore & Sean William Scott amongst other random appearances ranging from Jon Lovitz to The Punisher himself Thomas Jane. The performances here are good...I guess, but it's just the overall film doesn't really give the actors anything to work with.

The story...oh, God. It's like there's hardly a fucking story. It feels like a bunch of scenes run together as if the whole thing was improvised. Seriously, the movie starts with a nuclear attack on Texas and then it spirals into something about the end of the world. Some really weird and random crap happens for two hours and then we are treated to one of the weakest plot twists that's so bad it makes White Noise blush. I won't bother saying it because it's not like it'll make sense anyway.

How's the background music? Forgettable. I don't remember a single note of it. The cinematography is okay, but again, nothing special. Some parts of this film are so random that it seems funny, but I know it's not supposed to be.

This movie was really fucking confusing, but not in the way The Happening was where you didn't know what to think at the end. Southland Tales doesn't make a lick of sense. It's about as sensible as wiping before you poop! This move makes less sense than having sex with your teacher so you can fail your courses! This movie doesn't give you any sort of clear path to follow whatsoever and if you're like me, once all this political nonsense comes into play, you're completely lost. You give up any hope of this movie making sense an hour into it. Had the film been followable, it would probably be fairly decent, but no. I actually debated turning the movie off but come on, if I can sit through The Love Guru, I can sit through this.

The final verdict on Southland Tales is that this movie was a complete mindfuck that'll leave you scratching your head but not in a good way. I can see some pretentious jackass from Harvard being able to defend this movie, but my brain hurts from trying to figure it out. If you like unsolvable cinematic riddles and complete box office flops, then check it out.

-The Cynic

P.S. This film is listed in the comedy section at Roger's Video, yet it feels more like a drama/thriller. This movie was not funny. At all.

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