The Great Wall Review

     2017 has actually been a pretty good year so far for my movie viewing experiences.  I'd only seen 12 2017 movies before sitting down to view The Great Wall and out of those 12, only 2 were duds.  I seem to recall a bit more of a balance by about this time last year so I watched this one, thinking that it might help pad out the Bad list.  I'll be completely up front with you, seeing the trailers for this movie did not make me excited one bit and Scholar and I figured that The Great Wall would end up being a hate watch, like what she did with last year's abomination Gods Of Egypt or our plans for this year's The Mummy.

      The story behind The Great Wall, conceived by Legendary Pictures CEO Thomas Tull and World War Z author Max Brooks, is that two surviving members of a platoon of European mercenaries have traveled to China to find out the secret of gunpowder.  After a strange encounter with a creature at their camp, William (Matt Damon) and Tovar (Predro Pascal) happen across The Great Wall of China, only to find it heavily guarded and patrolled by an army known as The Nameless Order.  William and Tovar are captured and find themselves caught up in The Nameless Order's ongoing battle with a race of beasts known as the Tao Tei.  Having some emotional baggage, William agrees to help the Nameless Order in their fight in hopes of personal redemption.

     Now that sounds pretty silly, right?  Saying it out loud doesn't really do the movie any favors and the aforementioned trailers didn't help so I sat down with a big glass of Crown and Coke and gave it a watch...

     ...and Goddamn it, I kinda liked it.

Hey, I'm just as surprised as you are, Jing Tian.

      First of all, this is a pretty good looking movie.  There is a lot of sweeping landscape shots and a great sense of scale when getting good looks at both the wall and Bianliang later on, showing just how massive the threat they face is and even when the Tao Tei horde isn't featured onscreen, the cinematography is really nice during these moments.  When our characters reach the Wall, the movie receives a nice injection of color that the first few minutes sorely lacks with somewhat Blizzard-esque armor and weaponry being sported by The Nameless Order gives the aesthetic a more vibrant feel.  Kudos to Weta Workshop in this department because that looked great.

     Another thing that looked good was the action scenes when The Nameless Order engage the Tao Tei in combat.  The shots and editing used during these moments were clear, coherent and not so overdone that you couldn't see what was going on, which was good because this allowed the movie to unleash some brutality during these moments that I thought were pretty intense for a PG-13 movie.  The Great Wall doesn't really shy away from the fact that The Nameless Order are just as likely to get mass casualties just as the Tao Tei.  Naturally, it's not as brutal as something like Hacksaw Ridge but I was surprised by some of the shots showing what became of some of the soldiers during these fights.

     If I had to pick one thing that I enjoyed the most about this movie, it would be the score.  It was actually the first thing I noticed just as the movie was starting up.  Ramin Djawadi's music has the feel of your typical major Hollywood blockbuster but there was also a playful undertone to it which gave me flashbacks to Klaus Badelt's score for the first Pirates Of The Caribbean film.  I'm listening to this soundtrack as I write this review and to be honest, I would buy it.

Just wanted an excuse to show these costumes.

     However, a great movie The Great Wall is not.  One of the biggest problems I had with it, now that I think about it, is that there a couple of side characters in this movie that just do not need to be here.  Pedro Pascal and Willem Dafoe's respective characters don't really add much to the story other than an obligatory human threat to the well being of The Nameless Order and the pacing of the movie suffers whenever they're on.  Their performances are fine (actually, everyone is fine in this movie although it takes Matt Damon a few minutes to really get into it) and I don't have anything against the actors but they just weren't that interesting to follow.  Whenever Tovar and William would get into a spat, I found myself wanting to get back to The Nameless Order stuff, not because of the action and the costume designs but their ranks, hierarchy and way of life was more engaging and even then, I wasn't completely wrapped up with those characters either.  Pascal and Dafoe's characters could've been cut from the movie and I don't think much would've really been lost.

     I am also on the fence about the Tao Tei's designs.  They grew on me a bit more as the film progressed but the first good look you get at them 19 minutes in left me feeling very underwhelmed at the designs and, well, you only get one chance at a first impression.  Other than that, there's your typical blockbuster movie nitpicks: some bad greenscreen near the beginning of the film, it gets very, VERY CGI heavy at the end and it doesn't always look the best and I can imagine there's probably a lot of people who were mad/disappointed at a tease of a big action sequence that we only ever saw the aftermath of.

     

     In the end...yeah.  The Great Wall is not the wreck I was expecting it to be.  It's not a game-changer in the action movie genre, the dialogue isn't Tarantino levels and there's very little humor to be had here but it is an enjoyable, CG creature-feature war film with some pretty intense action sequences and an overall fun feel to it.  I'm not saying I'd run out and buy the Blu-Ray full price but if I found it in the cheap bins, I'd honestly pick it up.  I'm giving The Great Wall the ranking of a Fun Ride.

Wheeee!

      So folks, what did you think of The Great Wall?  As always, thank you so much for reading and if you like what you see on this blog, you be sure to nudge that "Follow" button and stay cynical!

     -The Cynic

Top 15 Favorite Simpsons Episodes (Part 2)

Hey, everyone! The Cynic is coming at you again with Part 2 of Coffee With The Cynic's Top 15 Favorite Simpsons Episodes! In the chance that you missed Part 1 of this list, you can see it here.

#10 - S05xE02: Cape Feare
Bart's nemesis, Sideshow Bob (voiced by Kelsey Grammar), gets out of prison again and has been out to kill Bart ever since Bart cracked Bob's framing of Krusty The Klown and every other scheme since. Following a parody of the film Cape Fear, The Simpsons are put into Witness Protection, renamed The Thompsons and move to Terror Lake. Unfortunately, Bob follows them and the climax of the episode shows Bart trying to keep Bob from killing him as their houseboat floats down the river to Springfield.
Cynic's Funniest Moment: NOT the rake bit, that hasn't aged well. As much as I love Homer kicking in Bart's door wielding a chainsaw wearing a hockey mask mere seconds after Bart says he's under a lot of stress, I gotta go with the part where Bob is writing all of his notes in blood and begins to write him memoirs the same way. When he starts passing out, his cellmate Snake finally tells him what we've all been thinking, "Use a PEN, Sideshow Bob!"

#9 - S09xE01: The City Of New York vs Homer Simpson
This episode was pulled from syndication after the 9/11 terrorist attacks, but since then has been put back in some regions. On a night out with the guys, resident drunk Barney Gumble draws the short straw and is the designated driver. When Homer's car hasn't been returned, The Simpsons find out that Barney went mad and drove it to New York City, a place Homer swore to never return to. While the family is off sightseeing, Homer finds his car parked in front of the World Trade Center. After failing to meet up with the man who can take the boot off of his car due to a very funny bathroom break, Homer fucking snaps and puts his car through absolute HELL to meet up with the rest of his family and leave the city.
Cynic's Funniest Moment: While I do love the running from one tower to the other to use the bathroom, I laughed hard at Homer's reaction to the Kravkalesh salesman's drink options.
Salesman: Mountain Dew or Crab Juice.
Homer: BLAUGH! UGH! EWWWWW! I'll take a Crab Juice.

#8 - S07xE03: Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily
I think you can tell from the title which one I'm talking about. In a gross misunderstanding resulting from quite possibly the biggest clusterfuck in the history of The Simpsons, Bart, Lisa & Maggie are put in foster care under the roof of The Flanders' family. While Homer & Marge attend a parenting correctional course, Bart & Lisa become worried that Maggie is forgetting she's a Simpson (confirmed in spades in a reference to The Exorcist that is fucking creepy). Things escalate when Ned learns that the children haven't been baptized and Homer & Marge race against time to stop Ned from making their kids be Flanders' in the eyes of God, which, by the way, I think Homer shoulda beat the snot out of Ned for even ATTEMPTING such a thing, seeing as how Ned has NO right to attempt such a thing. Sure, maybe I'm looking too deep into that since it is played for laughs, but seriously, what the hell?!
Cynic's Funniest Moment: When Homer & Marge ask Grandpa Simpson about what happened and he brushes it off like a juice stain.
Homer: We leave you with the kids for three hours and the county takes them away?!
Grandpa: *walking away* Oh, bitch, BITCH, BITCH!

#7 - S06xE25 & S07XE01: Who Shot Mr. Burns?
If anyone was accusing the show of losing steam, I think this two part episode told them where to stick it. Seriously, the marketing behind this episode was great! What better way to get people to tune into the season premiere than a season finale that when the words "To Be Continued" came on screen, you literally looked up and the Gods and went "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" On top of that, you had to wait 4 months for an answer.
An oil deposit is discovered under Springfield Elementary and the money would be used to further the school's advancements. However, his greed gets the better of him and Mr. Burns steals the oil for himself, enraging the entire town. When he sets up an instrument to block out the sun, the townspeople begin considering to take action against him. When Burns is found shot on a sundial, the entire town becomes a suspect. Homer is named the primary suspect because of an eyelash with Simpson DNA found on Burns' suit and by Burns himself, who can say only Homer's name in post-traumatic stress, despite the fact he could never remember it before. When Burns becomes coherent again, it's revealed that Maggie was the one who shot him. The ending was quite a surprise but the explanation given actually works well.
Cynic's Funniest Moment: It appears that Homer is about to strangle Mr. Burns but Burns regains his vocabulary and his old ways (i.e. not remembering Homer's name). The look on Homer's face is absolutely priceless before he lets out the most chilling, pent up, enraged "D'OH!" ever to be heard.

#6 - S08xE25: The Secret War Of Lisa Simpson
From what I remember of watching the episode syndication, you know, where they just air a marathon of Simpsons episodes as airtime filler, this episode was actually pretty rare and I took every opportunity I had to see it. On a field trip at the police station, Bart pulls a prank that blows out every glass window in Springfield. Heeding Chief Wiggum's advice, The Simpsons ship Bart off to Military School and Lisa, bored with her class, stays with him for the challenge, thinking its her dream school. Because the commanding officer (Willem Dafoe) moves all of the boys into a different hall, they immediately hate Lisa and do everything they can to try and make her quit. Bart stays by her side for support and the episode peaks with the class going across The Eliminator.
Cynic's Funniest Moment: Much like the rest of these entries, this episode was chalk full of comedic gold. However, the best is when Bart is given a grenade launcher on the firing range but intentionally misses his last target. When told of that, he quips with, "Did I?" Cut to Principal Skinner in the school parking lot covered in soot standing in front of a crater holding his keys out to unlock his now non-existent car.

Alright, two down, one to go. See in a few with entries 5-1!
-The Cynic