Friday, August 5, 2011

Top 7 Films I Absolutely Refuse To Watch

So I've been watching a lot of crap for the sake of giving you all entertainment at the expense of my own patience. Sure, there's been some good stuff in there too but this blog & my YouTube channel wouldn't be called Coffee With The Cynic if I did nothing but sing appraisal of what I was watching/reading/listening to. That being said, I do have my limits. Sometimes a movie will come along with either a trailer or premise that I'll look at and say, "No. Fucking. Way." I may have my limits and I want to show you the bottom of the barrel, in my opinion. These are The Top 7 Films I Absolutely Refuse To Watch.

Honorable Mention: Jurassic Park 4 3D

I'm gonna throw this one on here because while JP4 is supposedly on the way, I'm not buying it. What Steven Speilberg said at Comic Con is the same old song and dance that we've heard for the last ten years since Jurassic Park III came out, and look how that turned out. Alright, let's give them the benefit of the doubt: let's say the ball is truly rolling on Jurassic 4, you just know that there's a crowd of shmucks that think that a Jurassic Park film in 3D would be the cat's meow. This is not true, as 3D is nothing more than a stupid gimmick used to generate more revenue and cover up lackluster special effects (I'm looking at you, Avatar). If Jurassic Park was a series intended to use 3D (it's been around since the fucking 80s if not earlier, people), it would've already been done. The effects from the first film were/are awe inspiring and re-releasing the original in 3D isn't going to change that. In fact, it'll cheapen it. Basically, in somewhat predictable Hollywood fashion, if Jurassic Park 4 is released only in 3D format, I'll skip the theatrical run. I refuse to support this 3D fad, even if it means skipping something I hold so close to me like Jurassic Park.

#7. Piranha (2010)

This blog isn't going to list nothing but movies that only come out in 3D, I swear. Piranha finds its way onto the list because it's a remake, and a pointless one at that. The original Piranha from 1978 was made and released to cash in on the success that Jaws had three years earlier. Nowadays, Hollywood is adapting everything they can into films (like Battleship) and they have no problem remaking and remaking. It's not like the public was crying for this film to be remade. My mentality is that if people wanted to watch a movie like Jaws, they should just go watch Jaws, it's a great film. Another thing that is making me push Piranha away is director Alexandre Aja. I've only seen one of his films, which was both thankfully and unfortunately his remake of The Hills Have Eyes. I say "unfortunately" because The Hills Have Eyes was an absolutely disgusting film that just went too far in my opinion. You could argue that Hills had balls for going that far, but it was still too far. I say "thankfully" because viewing Hills has sworn me off of Aja's work and this movie looks like nothing but tits and bloody shock value. I have no use for gore being in a film for the sake of being senselessly gory and if I wanted tits, I'd just go to RedTube or TnA Flix. This movie can chew the fattest part of my ass...actually, scratch that.

#6. The Smurfs (2011)

This is one of those movies where I saw the trailer and just went, "Oh HELL NO!" I say this because I really don't have any memories from my childhood of watching the cartoon (although I do remember playing the game on Kelicovision), so there is no nostalgia appeal. Second of, it's part of that stupid 3D fad that's running rampant right now (once again, fuck you Avatar), so that nixes it. The third shot in The Smurfs' heel is that the whole live action adaptations of bubbly kid shows has a really shitty track record, yet they keep somehow turning a bit of a profit and the studios keep pumping them out (Alivn & The Chipmunks 3?! Seriously?!). The fourth and final steak in the heart of any hope of me ever seeing this movie is the fact that Katy Perry voices Smurfette. Not that I have any attachment whatsoever to the character, I just can't fucking stand Katy Perry, her annoying voice and those lifeless eyes of hers. These movies are all the fucking same with badly CGI'd characters, brainless toilet humor that even children wouldn't laugh at & modern culture references just to make it try to appear remotely hip. Fuck this movie and fuck every other movie like it that comes along.

#5. Meet The Spartans (2008) or any other parody movie post-Scary Movie 2

If anyone reading this just so happens to know Kevin Sorbo, please give him a hug next time you see him for being in this movie. Either a hug or a slap (probably a hug, Sorbo's kind of a big guy) because he must've been down on his luck to be in this thing. Meet The Spartans is another one of those parody movies that doesn't just parody a single movie (in this case, 300), but throws in a bunch of references and parodies to other movies that have nothing to do with the original parody material whatso-fucking-ever. What parody movies like Naked Gun, Hot Shots, Spaceballs, Spy Hard & the first two Scary Movies did right was create a boundary for what their movie could parody. Spy Hard was a cheap shot at James Bond and other spy films, where Spaceballs primarily picked at Star Wars' ass and other science fiction films. What parody movies have been doing since Scary Movie III is parodying whatever is popular at the time. Meet The Spartans is the first one that comes to mind though because Spike TV spammed the commercials for this movie during every goddamned break and when Scholar and I saw a trailer for this before Aliens vs Predator: Requiem and being a huge fan of the Battle Of Thermopylae, she flat out said, "I refuse to see that movie." I'm inclined to agree with her. Yeah, we'd rather watch AvP:R again than give this movie a chance.

#4. World Trade Center (2006)

I'm really, really sorry if I piss off any American readers at this point. I really am, but I don't give a good goddamn if this is a true story! I don't give a holy hell if this is Nicholas Cage before he was laughably bad in The Wicker Man! I don't care if the main character has the same name as one of my best friends, I will NOT support this film in any way, shape or form. September 11, 2001 is one of those many days in our history that'll live on in infamy for the rest of our existence as a species and there are probably still those whose wounds still have not fully healed almost ten years later. World Trade Center just looked like Hollywood trying to make a quick buck off of the nation's renowned patriotism and the misery of the victims' families. This would be like making a movie of the Holocaust only 5 years after it happened. This movie could have won every single film award in existence (even the ones it wouldn't even qualify for) and had everybody dancing in the streets over it, but I still would not see it. Even five years after its release, I look at it and still get that feeling that it just has bad taste all over it. No thanks.

#3. The Harold & Kumar Sequels

This picture here is all you need to see of the awful films that are Harold & Kumar. Well, I'm assuming that the follow-ups are excruciating because that's how the first one felt. The only good part about Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle is the man you see pictured above, Neil Patrick Harris. Despite the fact that he is in fact a married gay man with a family, Harold & Kumar depict him as a single swinger with two ladies hanging off of each arm. Everything else about the film was a boring, frustrating and unfunny stoner adventure about two guys trying to get some fucking take out and pussy. Lame. Perhaps this one left such a bad taste in my mouth because my brother made me watch it when I was about to ask Scholar out 4 years ago and pretty much cock blocked me for 4 hours because of this movie. All joking aside, this movie was a waste of reel and the sequel, Escape From Guantanamo Bay, looked like the same fucking movie again, just like the Saw and Final Destination sequels, only this one looks more torturous. The worst part is that a Christmas themed Harold & Kumar film is scheduled for release this year and Neil Patrick Harris is back again. Is he seriously the only reason why people go to these movies? People, watch How I Met Your Mother instead. At least show actually has a few laughs.

#2. The Twilight Sequels

Okay, I'm kind of cheating on this one for two reasons. One, I used a picture of the books instead of the movie. Sue me. Two, kind of like the previous entry, I'm referring to more than one specific film. Again, sue me. I tried reading the first Twilight book and due to its sloppy writing, I got maybe about a page and a half into it before I had to put it down and walk away. The movies aren't any better and at one point, I seriously did consider the first Twilight film the worst film I've ever seen and shattered any hope of me watching the sequels, even to just tear them apart for entertainment purposes. The movie looks visually unappealing in its atmosphere, everyone talks like love children of Ben Stein, Bella is a huge stuck up bitch and all Edward does is sparkle like a fucking fairy and be all Broody McBroodbrood. Hell, when Scholar & I watched it for our review (Part 1, Part 2), we got to the damn DVD menu and we were already reaching for the sympathy candy we had on hand to get through it. The problem is that Twilight doesn't know how monstrously bad it truly is and doesn't know how to have fun with its own concept. This made for one horrible mess of a film and I've heard that the series of both books and films get worse with each new entry...and considering that the last book is stealing a page from the Harry Potter franchise and turning the last book, Breaking Dawn, into two separate films, so I shudder at the level of shit squall that'll be. Oh, and Robert Pattinson needs a fucking comb.

Women anywhere from 6 to 50+ years old worship this guy as their brooding prince. LOOK AT YOUR PRINCE AND HIS DERPY FISH EYES, LADIES! LOOK AT YOUR DERPY GOD!

And the Number One Film I Absolutely Refuse To Watch is...

#1. 2012 (2009)

Goddamn, this movie looks stupid! They might as well have called it The Day After Tomorrow 2: 2012, because it looks like the same fucking movie. To be honest, The Day After Tomorrow wasn't all that great, but in this days of remakes, pointless sequels & countless parody movies, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that Hollywood decided to cash in on the whole crock of shit conspiracy theory that the world will end on Dec. 21, 2012 according to the ancient Mayan calendar. You know what happens on that day? It's the end of the calendar, not the world. That's like saying doomsday is upon us December 31st, 2011. When a calendar ends, a new one starts. The only reason why there isn't another calendar after this one is because the fucking Mayans aren't around to make a new one. Of course, it doesn't help that the studios enlisted Roland Emmerich, who seems to have a hard-on for destroying the world (although he's been favoring America lately) and paper thin characters with horrible dialogue, to helm the thing. Scholar's dad tried to get us to watch it because the effects were good, but upon watching some clips online, Brad Jones (aka The Cinema Snob) said it best, "2012 looked like a fucking cartoon." It did, with the ridiculous spectacles that were L.A. sinking into the Pacific Ocean like the Titanic and a tidal wave careening over the Himalayan Mountains. This movie pushed me away from the first teaser, not only in the sense that I don't like end of the world films, but how it hinted the whole 2012 conspiracy was started by the government. The tagline was "How will the world leaders prepare us for the end of the world? They won't." Really, Roland? You don't even try to hide it, you just slather us up in those conspiracies right out of the fucking oven, huh? It's one thing when an internet reviewer rips apart a film, but its quite another when there are so many things wrong with it that said reviewer has to break it up into two parts. Matthew Buck (aka Film Brain) did a two-parter episode of his series Bad Movie Beatdown on 2012 that gave me all the reasons why I should not watch this movie. I will now provide you with the links to Part 1 and Part 2. Hell, 2012 has the notoriety of being so fucking stupid that NASA, yes that NASA, has voted 2012 as The Most Absurd Sci-Fi Film Of All Time. They also went on to list their most realistic sci-fi films, which is including (but not limited to) Gattaca, Contact & Jurassic Park. That's right, folks. NASA says you have a better chance of seeing cloned dinosaurs walking around in some island resort than the world blowing up beneath you next year. Fuck 2012 and its cashing in on people's fear method. Grow up, Hollywood.

-The Cynic

1 comment:

  1. I loved Piranha, it was terrible, but I loved it. I love Aja, I like things that push it too far, I'm a horror fan above all, and I like seeing how far they can push things, but I'm in a very small minority on that regard. 2012 is literally a cliche collection, every single one known to man is in it. Smurfs is bad, but no more than a lot of these kids flicks coming out these days, better than the chipmunks or cats and dogs.