Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Quick Blurb Review: The Last Airbender

This movie is fucking retarded. I know that I'm just paraphrasing Spoony's Deadliest Warrior Game Review when I say that I know that's not exactly "in-depth analysis" but what else can you say when you have a movie based on an American anime television show and the studio handed the rights over to the same asshole who had Marky Mark trying to strike up a conversation with a plastic plant in his last movie? Perhaps it didn't help that I've never seen any of the television show Avatar: The Last Airbender (wonder why they had to trim the name down?), but I'm just not an anime guy. I just can't buy into the world that animes create for themselves, even if said world is laden with onscreen sex, and I've tried, but I can't do it. The only reason why I decided to review this is because I was torn for ideas and this one was suggested to me by two of my friends and it has received notoriously scathing reviews. So I've plopped down on my friend's laptop for the sixth night in a row to write up a blog. I've got a blend of Forty Creek & Diet Pepsi at my side, so let's talk about The Last Airbender.

"Maybe if I stare really blankly into the distance, I can will a good movie to appear!"

The first thing I want to talk about is the narration of this flick. 90 seconds into the film, something's already gone wrong. I have no problem with female narrators, but the problem here lies within the fact that the narrator (one of the main characters in the film) sounds like she's reading the lines off of a piece of cardboard and with no enthusiasm or investment into her speech, it does not feel like there is a serious ominous threat that our heroes have to deal with. I've heard grocery lists read off with more oomf than this lady did.

Not as wooden as Twilight's Bella Swann, but my God, she was dull.

I think the only actor in this movie worse than this girl was the main character, Ung, it sounded like. I could look it up but that require more effort than this film is worth. It felt like all of his lines he said were meant to be quick little quips, like "a man of few words" type deal, only this kid is given full sentences to say, paragraphs even, and it's just awful. While he was the worst actor, it's not like there were any that really stood out with their talent.

...I still don't know what the hell happened in this part.

Another thing that was really sloppy was the script. This movie was about as badly written as the Jurassic Park: Redemption comics, bouncing around all over the place while tossing around horribly written dialogue ("They had machines made of metal," What the fuck else would a machine be made of?) and subjecting us to more wooden narration that not only explains to us what has already happened, onscreen, but what is currently happening onscreen. How stupid does M. Night Shama Lama Ding Dong think we are? Did you think that the fans of the show...or just movies in general, were so stupid that you had to explain what was happening onscreen? Fuck's wrong with you?

"Well, you did watch the movie, didn't you?"

SHUT UP! *Clears throat, swigs whiskey* The movie starts out as a slow, drawn out chore which then charters into hilariously bad territory and then just ends with more drawing out of the plot and the hilariously bad isn't so hilarious anymore. It's just...bad. There are plenty of things in here that will give you a good laugh, like the penis hair at 55:40 into the film, but there's also a lot of just really baffling exhanges of dialogue, like when the Fire Prince has some child explain to him and his uncle why he was banished when the Prince experienced it first hand and the uncle was present when it happened. Top that off with really bad green screen effect shots and just dumb moves on the character's part (The uncle is trying to convince the commander of the Fire army to not kill one of the fish Gods. The uncle can spin fire and is close enough to preempt any sort of reaction, so why didn't he just set the commander on fire to save the fish?) and then you've got a movie that is every bit of a mess as everyone says it is.

You know what this is? Padding. There's a lot of it in this movie.

As harsh as I am on this movie, The Last Airbender doesn't rank in my Top 5 Worst Films Ever list, because while its bad, its not painful or infuriating. It doesn't reach the Top 5 because there's great enjoyment in the fact that this was the beginning of a series of films (and thewre's eevun an adowable scene where they think thewre's gowin' be a seqwel. Awwwww) but since this film did so poorly that, near as I can tell, any future Airbender movies have been scrapped and M. Night Shama Lama Ding Dong has been reduced to coming up with stories for other films.


-The Cynic

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